Robby’s 3rd Grade Humor Resourse
For many years I have done a devotional at an assisted living facility in Mocksville. When I first started a friend shared that the residents love it when you give them something to hold onto after you leave. Thus I began writing down the jokes and cute stories I would open the devotion with and printing them for the residents. To say they were a big hit would be an understatement, I became known as “The man with the Papers”.
Over the years I have collected quite a few and thought that they would be a cool resource for someone who wants to do a devotional somewhere.
So here is my collection in progress, yes they are all plagiarized and taken from other devotional sites, emails and anything else I came across.. The good news is they are edited for devotional use and words changed to not offend if possible…
PLEASE, PLEASE Copy and paste at will and go make someone laugh, cry or just plain Glorify God…. Love, Robby
My Best Friend “mom”
My Mother was my best friend here on earth but sad to say I probably didn’t realize that until she was gone. She loved me when I was un-lovable And no one else could stand me, even myself. She Prayed for me unceasingly over the years as I grew up and didn’t stop when I was not near so she could see me. Mama knew I needed Prayer when I needed it most and nobody around me cared. Friends didn’t stand by me when I was down but gathered around when I walked in sunshine but my Mama was there for me always. Oh how I miss her.
Growing up when there might not be enough food for all of us to have all we wanted Mama would say, “I’m not very hungry”, so we could have her share. It was after I was a Mother that I finally figured out that Mama didn’t really like the neck and back of fried chicken. And she probably would have liked a piece of cake, pie, or candy when she said she didn’t. Most homes now have all these things in surplus around to indulge in any time. It wasn’t that way in my childhood. Sweets were a treat that we appreciated when we got it.
Mama dressed me in yellow most always. She said I looked like sunshine in yellow. For a long time I didn’t care either way but when I was older and more aware of how I wanted to look I didn’t want any part of yellow, I thought I hated it. I never bought yellow clothes until just a few years ago. I never told Mama that I really love yellow. I never told Mama a lot of things that I should have told her and I regret that greatly now. I didn’t visit Mama as much as I should have in the last few years of her life and that’s a regret that breaks my heart. I took her for granted. I wish I could instill in all young kids to say I love you and Thank you to their Mother once in a while and not take them for granted. Of course I can’t do that because they would not understand the concept any more than I did. We just think they will always be there. Not the case.
Mama’s see all, hear all, know all so don’t be trying to fool them. I thought I could hide things from my Mama but she could look in my eyes and know. I thought she had eyes in the back of her head for years.
Mama had kidney poisoning when I was born and came close to dying. I asked her one day if I almost died too. She said, “Heck no Clydene, you came in kicking and screaming and you haven’t stopped yet”.
I hated school in my first year. I might not have kicked and screamed but I cried every day. Miss Sallie Burrow was my teacher. She tried everything to get me to shut up, her paddlings were not light I’m here to tell you. Finally she told everyone to ignore me and let me cry. One time I devised a plan to stay home. I’d just sneak back from the bus stop. I knew there was no way for me to get there if I missed the bus. I’d come sneaking up to the door and that darn screen door always squeaked loud. Mama sent me right back up that road running. I never got away with that one. My young mind never did comprehend that if I’d have stayed on the porch until I saw the bus leave and not opened that squeaky screen———Oh Well!!
Another time I really came up with a good one. I knew what Ex-lax did and I knew where some were. YEP! I ate about half a box. I didn’t have to go to school the next day but Lordy’ Mercy was I sick. I’m sure Mama got more gray hairs that night. I came in kicking and screaming all right!!!!
I can remember Mama telling me about the day I was born. She said she touched every inch of me. She counted my fingers and toes, looked in my eyes as I was screaming my lungs out, told me she loved me, and kissed the top of my head as she fed me. Every year on my birthday I’d ask her what time I was born. She told me I was born at 10 AM and I watched the clock, then at 10 AM then I’d jump up and declared my age.
If you still have your Mother and Maybe even your Grandmother You are richly Blessed. I pray all will love and honor their Mother’s not only on Mothers Day but every day as Jesus commanded.
Mother’s Dictionary of Meanings
Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots.
Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
Independent: How we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say.
Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
Show Off: A child who is more talented than yours.
Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva.
Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.
Two-Minute Warning: When the baby’s face turns red and she begins to make those familiar-grunting noises.
Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your house.
Mother’s Day Thought
The advice your son rejected is now being given by him to your grandson.
What Famous Mothers Might Have Said
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary’s Mother: “I don’t mind you having a garden, Mary, but does it have to be growing under your bed?”
Columbus‘ Mother: “I don’t care what you’ve discovered, Christopher. You still could have written!”
Michelangelo’s Mother: “Mike, can’t you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?”
Napoleon’s Mother: “All right, Napoleon. If you aren’t hiding your report card inside your jacket, then take your hand out of there and prove it!”
Albert Einstein’s Mother: “But, Albert, it’s your senior picture. Can’t you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something…?”
Jonah’s Mother: “That’s a nice story, but now tell me where you’ve really been for the last three days.
Thomas Edison’s Mother: “Of course I’m proud that you invented the electric light bulb, Thomas. Now turn off that light and get to bed!”
7 Principles of Motherhood
- 1. Motherhood ~~ If it was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called labor.
- 2. Shouting to make your children obey is like using the horn to steer your car, and you gets about the same results.
- 3. Raising a teenager is like nailing Jell-O to a tree
- 4. There are three ways to get something done: Do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your children to do it.
- 5. There are only two things a child will share willingly: communicable diseases and his mother’s age.
- 6. Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
- 7. Coping when the apple of your eye becomes a bone in your throat?
4 Ways To Know You’re a Mom
- 1. Your favorite television show is a cartoon.
- 2. You automatically double-knot everything you tie.
- 3. You are out for a nice romantic meal with your husband, enjoying
some real adult conversation, when suddenly you realize that you’ve
reached over and started to cut up his steak! - 4. Your feet stick to the kitchen floor…..and you don’t care.
Real Mothers
Real Mothers don’t eat quiche; they don’t have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers sometimes ask “why me?” and get their answer when a little voice says, “because I love you best.”
Real Mothers know that a child’s growth is not measured by height or years or grade. . .
It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mother.
Shirley & Marcy
A mother was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school. He didn’t want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.
So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a distance, so he probably wouldn’t notice her. She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.
The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew. She did this for the whole week.
As the two kids walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy ‘s little friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, ‘Have you noticed that lady following us to school all week? Do you know her?’
Timmy nonchalantly replied, ‘Yeah, I know who she is.’
The little girl said, ‘Well, who is she?’
‘That’s just Shirley Goodnest, ‘Timmy replied, ‘and her daughter Marcy.’
‘Shirley Goodnest? Who is she and why is she following us?
‘Well,’ Timmy explained, ‘every night my Mum makes me say the 23rd Psalm with my prayers, ‘cuz she worries about me so much. And in the Psalm, it says, ‘ Shirley Goodnest and Marcy shall follow me all the days of my life’, so I guess I’ll just have to get used to it!’
7 Reasons English Is A Pain To Learn
- The bandage was wound around the wound.
- The farm was used to produce produce.
- Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.
- A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
- To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow
- When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
- The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
7 Thoughts to Get You Through Almost Any Crisis
- Indecision is the key to flexibility.
- Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
- One-seventh of your life is spent on Mondays.
- By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
- There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
- Never wrestle with a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it.
Eleven Strange Facts.. Hopefully it won’t take 7minutes to read
- Almonds are a member of the peach family.
- Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
- A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
- The characters Bert and Ernie onSesame Streetwere named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra’s “It’s a Wonderful Life.”
- A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
- A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
- It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON’T try this at home)!
- InEngland, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
- The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
- The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
- Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated
Seven Printed Instructions
- On a bar of Dial soap: “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
- On a Sear’s hairdryer: “Do not use while sleeping.”
- On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.”
(The shoplifter special?) - On packaging for a Rowenta iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.”
- On an American Airlines packet of nuts: “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
- On a child’s superman costume: “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
- On a Swedish chainsaw: “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.”
Stopped Cold
David received a parrot for his birthday. The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and the worst vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren’t expletives were, to say the least, very rude. David tried hard to change the bird’s attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.
He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird, and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet – not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto David’s extended arm and said: “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavor at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness.” David was astonished at the bird’s change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued: “May I ask what the chicken did?”
Biblical Questions and Answers
Q. Who was the greatest financieer in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.
Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.
Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he got married?
A. Ruth-less.
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to sleep.
Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.
Q. What is the best way to get to Paradise?
A. Turn right and go straight.
Q. Where is the first tennis match mentioned in the Bible?
A. When Joseph served in Pharaoh’s court.
Nothing To Look At…
One day a 6 year old girl was sitting in a classroom. The teacher was going to explain evolution to the children. The teacher asked a little boy: Tommy do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Tommy, do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
TEACHER: Go outside and look up and see if you can see the sky.
TOMMY: Okay. (He returned a few minutes later) Yes, I saw the sky.
TEACHER: Did you see God up there?
TOMMY: No.
TEACHER: That’s my point. We can’t see God because he isn’t there. Possibly he just doesn’t exist.
A little girl spoke up and wanted to ask the boy some questions.
The teacher agreed and the little girl asked the boy: Tommy, do you see the tree outside?
TOMMY: Yes.
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy do you see the grass outside?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Did you see the sky?
TOMMY: Yessssss!
LITTLE GIRL: Tommy, do you see the teacher?
TOMMY: Yes
LITTLE GIRL: Do you see her brain?
TOMMY: No
LITTLE GIRL: Then according to what we were taught today in school. Possibly she may not even have one!
Robby’s addition: By the way invisible cows are seen but not herd….
Opinion Noted
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from
his mother. The note read, ‘The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.’
Plumber in Hot Water
Charles Plumb, a U.S. Naval Academy graduate, was a jet pilot in Vietnam.
After 75 combat missions, his plane was destroyed by a surface-to-air missile. Plumb ejected and parachuted into enemy hands. He was captured and spent 6 years in a communist Vietnamese prison.
He survived the ordeal and now lectures on lessons learned from that experience.
One day, when Plumb and his wife were sitting in a restaurant, a man at another table came up and said, “You’re Plumb! You flew jet fighters in Vietnam from the aircraft carrier Kitty Hawk, You were shot down! “
“How in the world did you know that?” asked Plumb.
“I packed your parachute,” the man replied.
Plumb gasped in surprise and gratitude. The man pumped his hand and said, “I guess it worked ! “
Plumb assured him, “It sure did, If your chute hadn’t worked, I wouldn’t be here today.”
Plumb couldn’t sleep that night, thinking about that man. Plumb says, “I kept wondering what he might have looked like in a Navy uniform: a white hat, a bib in the back, and bell-bottom trousers. I wonder how many times I might have seen him and not even said “Good morning, How are you?” or anything because, you see, I was a fighter pilot and he was just a sailor.
Plumb thought of the many hours the sailor had spent on a long wooden table in the bowels of the ship, carefully weaving the shroud lines and folding the silks of each chute, holding in his hands each time the fate of someone he didn’t know.
Plumb now asks “Who’s packing your parachute?”
Everyone has someone who provides what they need to make it through the day.
We needed many kinds of parachutes when his plane was shot down over enemy territory – - – - – he needed his physical parachute, his mental parachute, his emotional parachute, and his spiritual parachute.
He called on all these supports before reaching safety.
Sometimes in the daily challenges that life gives us, we miss what is really important. We may fail to say hello, please, or thank you, congratulate someone on something wonderful that has happened to them, give a compliment, or just do something nice for no reason.
As you go through this week, this month, this year, recognize people who pack your parachute.
Intelligence No-Brainer
Two workers were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, “Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?”
“I don’t know,” responded the other. “I’ll ask him.”
He climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. “Why are we digging in the hot sun and you’re standing in the shade?”
“Intelligence,” the boss said.
“What do you mean, ‘intelligence’?”
The boss said, “Well, I’ll show you. I’ll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can.”
The worker took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss’s hand. At the last second, the boss removed his hand and the worker hit the tree. The boss said, “That’s intelligence!”
The worker went back to his hole. His friend asked, “What did he say?”
“He said we are down here because of intelligence.”
“What’s intelligence?” said the friend.
The worker put his hand on his face and said, “hit my hand with your fist as hard as you can.”
Tess’ Miracle
(A TRUE STORY)
Tess was a precious eight year old when she heard her Mom and Dad
talking about her little brother, Andrew. All she knew was that he was very sick and they were completely out of money.
They were moving to an apartment complex next month because Daddy didn’t have the money for the doctor’s bills and our house. Only a very costly surgery could save him now and it was looking like there was no-one to loan them the money.
She heard Daddy say to her tearful Mother with whispered desperation,
“Only a miracle can save him now.”
Tess went to her bedroom and pulled a glass jelly jar from its hiding place in the closet. She poured all the change out on the floor and counted it carefully. Three times, even. The total had to be exactly perfect. No chance here for mistakes.
Carefully placing the coins back in the jar and twisting on the cap,
she slipped out the back door and made her way 6 blocks to
Rexall’s Drug Store with the big red Indian Chief sign above the door.
She waited patiently for the pharmacist to give her some attention but
he was too busy at this moment.
Tess twisted her feet to make a scuffing noise. Nothing. She cleared her throat with the most disgusting sound she could muster. No good.
Finally she took a quarter from her jar and banged it on the glass counter. That did it!
“And what do you want?” the pharmacist asked in an annoyed tone of voice.
I’m talking to my brother from Chicago whom I haven’t seen in ages,” he said, without waiting for a reply to his question.
“Well, I want to talk to you about my brother,” Tess answered back in the same annoyed tone. “He’s really, really sick… and I want to buy a miracle.”
“I beg your pardon?” said the pharmacist.
“His name is Andrew and he has something bad growing inside his head and my Daddy says only a miracle can save him now. So how much does a miracle cost?”
“We don’t sell miracles here, little girl. I’m sorry but I can’t help you,”
the pharmacist said, softening a little.
“Listen, I have the money to pay for it. If it isn’t enough, I will get the rest. Just tell me how much it costs.”
The pharmacist’s brother was a well dressed man. He stooped down and asked the little girl, “What kind of a miracle does you brother need?”
“I don’t know,” Tess replied with her eyes welling up.
“I just know he’s really sick and Mommy says he needs an operation.
But my Daddy can’t pay for it, so I want to use my money”.
“How much do you have?” asked the man from Chicago.
“One dollar and eleven cents,” Tess answered barely audibly.
“And it’s all the money I have, but I can get some more if I need to.
“Well, what a coincidence,” smiled the man. “A dollar and eleven cents-the exact price of a miracle for little brothers.” He took her money in one hand and with the other hand he grasped her mitten and said “Take me to where you live. I want to see your brother and meet your parents. Let’s see if I have the kind of miracle you need.”
That well dressed man was Dr. Carlton Armstrong, a surgeon, specializing in neuro-surgery. The operation was completed without charge and it wasn’t long until Andrew was home again and doing well.
Mom and Dad were happily talking about the chain of events that had led them to this place.
“That surgery,” her Mom whispered. “was a real miracle. I wonder how much it would have cost?”
Tess smiled. She knew exactly how much a miracle cost… one dollar and eleven cents …… plus the faith of a little child.
A miracle is not the suspension of natural law, but the operation of a higher law……
Talk is Cheep
Did you hear about the self-help group for compulsive talkers? It’s called On & On Anon.
If money talks, why do we need bank tellers?
Length times width times height speaks volumes.
Horse Sense
Psychiatry students were in their Emotional Extremes class. “Let’s set some parameters,” the professor said. “What’s the opposite of joy?” he asked one student.
“Sadness,” he replied.
“The opposite of depression?” he asked another student.
“Elation,” he replied.
“The opposite of woe?” the prof asked a young woman from Texas.
The Texan replied, “Sir, I believe that would be giddyup.”
Thar She Blows
I was in a pub on Saturday night.
I noticed two large women by the bar.
They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them chirped: “It’s WALES are you deaf, you ignorant fool!”
So, I immediately apologized and said…, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland ?”
That’s the last thing I remember…
Tommy’s Story
John Powell, A Professor at Loyola University in Chicago writes about a student in his Theology of Faith class named Tommy:
Some twelve years ago, I stood watching my university students file into the classroom for our first session in the Theology of Faith. That was the first day I first saw Tommy. My eyes and my mind both blinked. He was combing his long flaxen hair, which hung six inches below his shoulders. It was the first time I had ever seen a boy with hair that long. I guess it was just coming into fashion then. I know in my mind that it isn’t what’s on your head but what’s in it that counts; but on that day I was unprepared and my emotions flipped. I immediately filed Tommy under “S” for strange . . . very strange.
Tommy turned out to be the “atheist in residence” in my Theology of
Faith course. He constantly objected to, smirked at, or whined about
the possibility of an unconditionally loving Father-God. We lived with
each other in relative peace for one semester, although I admit he was for me at times a serious pain in the back pew. When he came up at the end of the course to turn in his final exam, he asked in a slightly cynical tone: “Do you think I’ll ever find God?”
I decided instantly on a little shock therapy. “No!” I said very
emphatically.
“Oh,” he responded, “I thought that was the product you were pushing.”
I let him get five steps from the classroom door and then called out:
“Tommy! I don’t think you’ll ever find him, but I am absolutely certain that he will find you!”
He shrugged a little and left my class and my life. I felt slightly
disappointed at the thought that he had missed my clever line: “He will find you!” At least I thought it was clever.
Later I heard that Tommy had graduated and I was duly grateful. Then a sad report, I heard that Tommy had terminal cancer. Before I could search him out, he came to see me. When he walked into my office, his body was very badly wasted, and the long hair had all fallen out as a result of chemotherapy. But his eyes were bright and his voice was firm, for the first time, I believe.
“Tommy, I’ve thought about you so often. I hear you are sick!” I blurted out.
”Oh, yes, very sick. I have cancer in both lungs. It’s a matter of
weeks.”
“Can you talk about it, Tom?”
“Sure, what would you like to know?”
“What’s it like to be only twenty-four and dying?”
“Well, it could be worse.”
“Like what?”
“Well, like being fifty and having no values or ideals, like being fifty
and thinking that booze, seducing women, and making money are the real ‘biggies’ in life.”
I began to look through my mental file cabinet under “S” where I had
filed Tommy as strange. (It seems as though everybody I try to reject by classification God sends back into my life to educate me.)
“But what I really came to see you about,” Tom said, ” is something you said to me on the last day of class.” (He remembered!)
He continued, “I asked you if you thought I would ever find God and you said, ‘No!’ which surprised me.”
Then you said, “But he will find you.”
“I thought about that a lot, even though my search for God was hardly intense at that time.”
(My “clever” line. He thought about that a lot!)
“But when the doctors removed a lump from my groin and told me that it was malignant, then I got serious about locating God. And when the malignancy spread into my vital organs, I really began banging bloody fists against the bronze doors of heaven. But God did not come out.”
“In fact, nothing happened. Did you ever try anything for a long time
with great effort and with no success? You get psychologically glutted, fed up with trying. And then you quit. Well, one day I woke up, and instead of throwing a few more futile appeals over that high brick wall to a God who may be or may not be there, I just quit. I decided that I didn’t really care…about God, about an afterlife, or anything like that.”
“I decided to spend what time I had left doing something more
profitable. I thought about you and your class and I remembered
something else you had said: ‘The essential sadness is to go through
life without loving. But it would be almost equally sad to go through
life and leave this world without ever telling those you loved that you had loved them.’ “
“So I began with the hardest one: my Dad. He was reading the newspaper when I approached him.” ‘Dad’ “. .
“Yes, what?” he asked without lowering the newspaper.
“Dad, I would like to talk with you.” “Well, talk.” “I mean…. It’s
really important.”
The newspaper came down three slow inches. “What
is it?”
“Dad, I love you. I just wanted you to know that.”
Tom smiled at me and said with obvious satisfaction, as though he felt a warm and secret joy flowing inside of him: “The newspaper fluttered to the floor. Then my father did two things I could never remember him ever doing before. He cried and he hugged me. And we talked all night, even though he had to go to work the next morning. It felt so good to be close to my father, to see his tears, to feel his hug, to hear him say that he loved me.
“It was easier with my mother and little brother. They cried with me,
too, and we hugged each other, and started saying real nice things to each other. We shared the things we had been keeping secret for so many years. I was only sorry about one thing: that I had waited so long. Here I was just beginning to open up to all the people I had actually been close to.”
“Then, one day I turned around and God was there. He didn’t come to me when I pleaded with him. I guess I was like an animal trainer holding out a hoop, ‘C’mon, jump through.’ ‘C’mon, I’ll give you three days…three weeks.’ Apparently God does things in his own way and at his own hour.”
“But the important thing is that he was there. He found me. You were right. He found me even after I stopped looking for him.”
“Tommy,” I practically gasped, “I think you are saying something very important and much more universal than you realize. To me, at least, you are saying that the surest way to find God is not to make him a private possession, a problem solver, or an instant consolation in time of need, but rather by opening to love.
“You know, the Apostle John said that. He said ‘God is love, and anyone who lives in love is living with God and God is living in him.’
“Tom, could I ask you a favor? You know, when I had you in class you were a real pain. But (laughingly) you can make it all up to me now. Would you come into my present Theology of Faith course and tell them what you have just told me? If I told them the same thing it wouldn’t be half as effective as if you were to tell them. “
“Ooh . . . I was ready for you, but I don’t know if I’m ready for your
class.”
” Tom, think about it. If and when you are ready, give me a call.”
In a few days Tommy called, said he was ready for the class, that he
wanted to do that for God and for me. So we scheduled a date. However, he never made it. He had another appointment, far more important than the one with me and my class.
Of course, his life was not really ended by his death, only changed. He made the great step from faith into vision. He found a life far more beautiful than the eye of man has ever seen or the ear of man has ever heard or the mind of man has ever imagined.
Before he died, we talked one last time.
“I’m not going to make it to your class,” he said. “I know, Tom.” “Will you tell them for me? Will you . . . tell the whole world for me?” “I will, Tom. I’ll tell them. I’ll do my best.”
So, to all of you who have been kind enough to hear this simple
statement about love, thank you for listening. And to you, Tommy,
somewhere in the sunlit, verdant hills of heaven: “I told them, Tommy… as best I could.”
If this story means anything to you, please pass it on to a friend or
two. It is a true story and is not enhanced for publicity purposes.
Baited Breath
A boy was taking care of his baby sister while his parents went to town
shopping. He decided to go fishing and he had to take her along.
“I’ll never do that again!” he told his mother that evening. “I didn’t
catch a thing!”
“Oh, next time I’m sure she’ll be quiet and not scare the fish away,”
his mother said.
The boy said, “It wasn’t that. She ate all the bait.”
GROCERY LIST
Louise Redden, a poorly dressed lady with a look of defeat on her face, walked into a grocery store… She approached the owner of the store in a most humble manner and asked if he would let her charge a few groceries. She softly explained that her husband was very ill and unable to work, they had seven children and they needed food.
John Longhouse, the grocer, scoffed at her and requested that she leave his store at once. Visualizing the family needs, she said: ‘Please, sir! I will bring you the money just as soon as I can.’ John told her he could not give her credit, since she did not have a charge account at his store.
Standing beside the counter was a customer who overheard the conversation between the two the customer walked forward and told the grocer that he would stand good for whatever she needed for her family.
The grocer said in a very reluctant voice, ‘Do you hava grocery list?’
Louise replied, ‘Yes sir.’
‘O.K’ he said, ‘put your grocery list on the scales and whatever your grocery list weighs, I will give you that amount in groceries.’
Louise hesitated a moment with a bowed head, then she reached into her purse and took out a piece of paper and scribbled something on it. She then laid the piece of paper on the scale carefully with her head still bowed.
The eyes of the grocer and the customer showed amazement when the scales went down and stayed down.. The grocer, staring at the scales, turned slowly to the customer and said begrudgingly, ‘I can’t believe it.’
The customer smiled and the grocer started putting the groceries on the other side of the scales. The scale did not balance so he continued to put more and more groceries on them until the scales would hold no more.
The grocer stood there in utter disgust. Finally, he grabbed the piece of paper from the scales and looked at it with greater amazement.
It was not a grocery list, it was a prayer, which said: ‘Dear Lord, you know my needs and I am leaving this in your hands.’
The grocer gave her the groceries that he had gathered and stood in stunned
silence.
Louise thanked him and left the store. The other customer handed a fifty-dollar bill to the grocer and said; ‘It was worth every penny of it.’
‘Only God Knows how much a prayer weighs.’
man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.
The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead.
The driver felt guilty and began to cry.
A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
”I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”
The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do.
She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.
Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!
The man was astonished.
He said to the woman, “What in heaven’s name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?”
The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label.
It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”
Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide the egg?
A. Because it was a little chicken.
Q. What does the Easter Rabbit get for making a basket?
A. Two points just like everybody!
Q. What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
A. Bugs Bunny
Q. What’s the best way to catch a unique rabbit?
A. You ‘nique up on him.
Q. How many hairs in a rabbit’s tail?
A. None, they’re all on the outside.
Q. What do you call a line of rabbits walking backwards?
A. A receding hareline.
Q. What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A. A Hot Cross bunny.
Q. What do you get when you cross a bunny with a spider?
A. A harenet.
Q. How do you get letter to a bunny?
A. Hare mail.
Q. What is the difference between a crazy bunny and a counterfeit banknote?
A. One is bad money and the other is a mad bunny!
Q. How can you tell which rabbits are the oldest in a group?
A. Just look for the gray hares.
Q. Where do Easter Bunnies go for new tails?
A. To the retail store.
Age Humor
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: “And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?” the reporter asked.
She simply replied, “No peer pressure.”
Places I’ve Been
I have been in many places, but I’ve never been in Cahoots. Apparently, you can’t go alone. You have to be in Cahoots with someone.
I’ve also never been in Cognito. I hear no one recognizes you there.
I have, however, been in Sane. They don’t have an airport; you have to be driven there. I have made several trips there, thanks to my friends, family, and work.
I would like to go to Conclusions, but you have to jump, and I’m not too much on physical activity anymore.
I have also been in Doubt. That is a sad place to go, and I try not to visit there too often.
I’ve been in Flexible, but only when it was very important to stand firm.
Sometimes I’m in Capable, and I go there more often as I’m getting older.
One of my favorite places to be is in Suspense! It really gets the adrenalin flowing and pumps up the old heart! At my age I need all the stimuli I can get!
I may have been in Continent, but I don’t remember what country I was in. It’s an age thing.
Irish Taxi Driver
A British passenger in a taxi in Dublinleaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from the edge of the bridge over the Liffey River.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, and then the still-shaking driver said, “I’m sorry, but you scared the devil out of me.”
The frightened Brit apologized to the driver and said he didn’t realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten an Irishman so much.
The driver replied, “Will the saints in Heaven forgive me — it’s entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.”
Sayings of the Chronologically Challenged
Old genealogists never die, they just lose their census.
Old electricians never die, they just get discharged.
Old electricians never die, they just keep plugging away.
Old lumberjacks never die, they just pine away.
Old cotton-pickers never die. They just bale out.
Old photographers never die, they just have flash backs.
Old politicians never die, they just get devoted.
Old postal workers never die, they just visit the old stamping grounds.
Old fire fighters never die, they just do asbestos they can.
Old sailors never die, they just get a little dinghy
Old grave-diggers never die, they just get buried in their work.
Old tightrope walkers never die, they just get high strung.
Old musicians never die, they are just disconcerted.
Old school principals never die, they just lose their faculties.
Old pirates retire and grow corn for a buck an ear
Old burglars never die they just steal away.
Old lawyers never die they just lose their appeal.
Old power plant workers never die they just de-generate.
Old accountants never die, they just lose their balance.
Old bankers never die, they just pass the buck.
Old mechanics never die, they just re-tire.
Old skydivers never die, they’re just more down to earth.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
There is nothing worse than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
Bad decisions make good stories.
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their remote, and glasses – but I’ll bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from three feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!
Endangered Species
My wife and I were flipping through TV channels the other night, and we settled for a while on one of those wildlife programs — this one was about the cheetah.
A thought occurred to me. “You know why they’re endangered, don’t you?” I said.
She nodded. “It’s that old saying, ‘Cheetahs never prosper.’”
Church Nevers
Never ask an usher to break a $20.
Never hold a church business meeting on Super Bowl Sunday.
Never tell the pastor, “We love your church, and we might even come back next Easter.”
After a soloist of impressive size sings “Love Lifted Me,” don’t follow with the hymn “It Took a Miracle.”
Police were called to a daycare where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
Shoe Business
Each day when I came home from work, I would drop to my knees and ask my four-year-old son if he wanted to box. I wanted him to learn how to protect himself. We would spar around for a few minutes before supper.
One day my wife and I took our son to get new shoes. The shoe salesman was friendly and allowed my son to try on several pairs of shoes before we decided on a particular pair that he liked. We asked if he wanted to wear them home, and he replied, “Yes.”
The salesman, who was kneeling on the floor in front of our son, held the old shoes in his hands and asked, “Do you want a box?”
Our son stood up and punched him right on the nose. After grabbing our son, we had to spend the next several minutes explaining why this happened. Luckily, our salesman was also the father of a four-year-old.
Bum Party
A lady threw a party for her granddaughter. She had gone all out with a caterer, a band, and even a clown. Just before the party started, two bums showed up looking for a handout. Feeling sorry for the bums, the woman told them that she would give them a meal if they would chop some wood for her out back. Gratefully, they headed to the rear of the house.
The guests arrived, and all was going well with the children having a wonderful time. But the clown hadn’t shown up. After a half an hour, the clown finally called to report that he was stuck in traffic, and he would probably not make the party at all.
The woman was very disappointed and unsuccessfully tried to entertain the children herself. She happened to look out the window and saw one of the bums doing cartwheels across the lawn. She watched in awe as he swung from tree branches, did midair flips, and leaped high into the air.
She spoke to the other bum and said, “What your friend is doing is absolutely marvelous. I’ve never seen such a thing. Do you think your friend would consider repeating this performance for the children at the party? I would pay him $100!”
The other bum said, “Well, I dunno. Let me ask him. HEY WILLIE! FOR $100, WOULD YOU CHOP OFF ANOTHER TOE?”
Nuts about Jesus
During his children’s sermon, our assistant pastor asked the kids, “What is gray, has a bushy tail, and gathers nuts in the fall?”
One five-year-old raised his hand. “I know the answer should be Jesus,” he began, “but it sounds like a squirrel to me.”
Proverbs 31 Wife
A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.
Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m just so in love with my wife.”
“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.
Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, she cooks me breakfast and kisses me and tells me she loves me. At lunchtime she comes home and embraces me warmly, and then she makes my favorite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home with ice cream, the best an old man could want. And then after a gourmet supper, she gives ma a warm bath” He breaks down, no longer able to speak.
The young man puts his arm around him. “Oh, I think I see. I bet you just found out she’s with you for your money?”
“No,” the old man answers through his sobbing and tears, “I forgot where I live.”
Walmart Application Revealed
NAME: Kenneth Way (Grumpy Old Man)
DESIRED POSITION: Company President or Vice President. But seriously,
whatever’s available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn’t be applying here in the first place
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that’s not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I’m worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they’re better suited to a more intimate environment .
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be ‘Do you have a car that runs?’
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job – no! On my breaks – yes!
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy supermodel who thinks I’m the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I’d like to be doing that now.
NEAREST RELATIVE: 7 miles
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST
OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.
***Old People Rock! ***
Marriage Plans
An eighty year old lady was marrying for the 4th time, this time her new husband was the local funeral director.
Friends at the service ask, “Who were your other husbands and why did you marry them?”
She said, “A banker, a circus ring master, and a preacher; one for the money two for the show three to get ready four to go.”
Bread and Whine
When my older brother was very young, he always walked up to the church altar with my mother when she took communion. On one occasion, he tugged at her arm and asked, “What does the priest say when he gives you the wine?” Mom whispered something in his ear. Imagine his shock many years later when he learned that the priest doesn’t say, “Stop whining and be quiet until you get to your seat.”
Somethin Seemed Fishy
John Smith was the only Protestant to move into a large Catholic neighborhood. On the first Friday of Lent, John was outside grilling a big juicy steak on his grill. Meanwhile, all of his neighbors were fixing fish. This went on each Friday of Lent. On the last Friday of Lent, the neighborhood men got together and decided that something had to be done about John – he was tempting them to eat meat each Friday of Lent, and they couldn’t take it anymore. They decided to try and convert John to be a Catholic. They went over and talked to him and were so happy that he decided to join all of his neighbors and become a Catholic. They took him to Church, and the Priest sprinkled some water over him, and said, “You were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist, and now you are a Catholic.” The men were so relieved, now their biggest Lenten temptation was resolved. The next year’s Lenten season rolled around. The first Friday of Lent came, and just at supper time, when the neighborhood was sitting down to their fish dinner, came the wafting smell of steak cooking on a grill. The neighborhood men could not believe their noses! WHAT WAS GOING ON? They called each other up and decided to meet over at John’s place to see if he had forgotten it was the first Friday of Lent. The group arrived just in time to see John standing over his grill with a small pitcher of water. He was sprinkling some water over his steak on the grill, saying, “You were born a cow, you were raised a cow, and now you are a fish.”
Experience
“Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.”
How High Have You Counted
Recently while we were eating lunch after church one Sunday, my youngest son asked me what the highest number I had ever counted up to was.
I said I didn’t know. Then I asked him how high he has counted.
“5,372,” came the prompt reply.
“Oh,” I said. “Why did you stop there?”
“The sermon was over.”
| Combat for Dummies |
|
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources.
“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.” –U.S. Marine Corps
“If the enemy is in range, so are you.” –Infantry Journal
“A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit.” –Army’s magazine of prevention maintenance
“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” –U.S. Air Force manual
“Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo.” –Infantry Journal
“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground.” –USAF Ammo Troop
“Tracers work both ways.” –U.S. Army Ordnance
“Five-second fuses only last three seconds.” –Infantry Journal
“If your attack is going too well, you’re walking into an ambush.” –Infantry Journal
“Any ship can be a minesweeper….once.” –Anon
“Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do.” –Unknown Marine Recruit
“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” –Infantry Journal
“Aim towards the enemy.” –Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher
“If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.” –USAF Ammo Troop
Four Worms in Church
A Minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.
The fourth worm was put into a container of good, clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:
The first worm in alcohol … Dead.
The second worm in cigarette smoke … Dead.
The third worm in chocolate syrup … Dead.
The fourth worm in good, clean soil … Alive .
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Maxine was sitting in the back and quickly raised her hand and said,
“As long as you drink, smoke, and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service.
Sell My Stuff
A Older Gentleman and his wife were sitting around talking after dinner. Out of the blue, he said, “Honey, if I die, I know you’ll eventually remarry. So as soon as I’m gone, I want you to sell all my stuff.”
She asked, “Now, why would you want me to do that?”
He replied, “Well, I don’t want some other Butt Head
using all my stuff.”
She said, “What makes you think I’d marry another Butt Head?
A wise man once Said: “There are three kinds of people: those who can count and those who can’t.”
A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, “Ketchup!”
Food Bill
A religious women upon waking up each morning would open her front door stand on the porch and scream, “Praise the lord.” This infuriated her atheist neighbor who would always make sure to counter back, “there is no Lord.” One morning the atheist neighbor overheard his neighbor praying for food, thinking it would be funny, he went and bought her all sorts of groceries and left them on her porch. The next morning the lady screamed, “praise the Lord, who gave me this food.” The neighbor laughing so hard he could barely get the words out screamed “it wasn’t the Lord, it was me.” The lady without missing a beat screamed “praise the Lord for not only giving me food but making the atheist pay for it!!”
“Seeing Eye”
A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head. The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something.” The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”
Out Of Eden
Adam was walking outside of the Garden of Eden with Cane and Abel when the boys were young. Cane and Abel looked into the garden and viewed waterfalls, lovely birds, lush forests and fruit trees bending over because of the large amounts of fruit on them.
Then they took a long look at where they lived at. It was dry, dusty with weeds and sickly-looking trees. “Daddy? Why don’t we live in there instead of out here?” they asked innocently. Adam said, “Well sons. Eve and I use to live in there at one time. But your mother ate us out of house and home.”
Hands!
A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan’s hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball in Roger Clemens’ hands is worth $475 million.
It depends on whose hands it’s in.
A tennis racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Andre Agassi’s hands is worth millions.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
A rod in my hands will keep away an angry dog.
A rod in Moses’ hands will part the mighty sea.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
A slingshot in my hands is a kid’s toy.
A slingshot in David’s hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches. Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in Jesus’ hands will feed thousands. It depends whose hands it’s in.
Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.
Nails in Jesus Christ’s hands will
produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
As you see now, it depends whose hands it’s in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God’s hands because…
It depends whose hands it’s in.
This message is now in YOUR hands.
What will YOU do with it?
It Depends on WHOSE Hands it’s in!
No Account Bank Robber
A hooded bank robber walked into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.
On his way out the door, a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber’s face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, ‘Well, did anyone else see my face?’
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak.
Then, one old cowboy tentatively raised his hand, and while keeping his head down said, ‘My mother law here in the blue spotted dress got a pretty good look at you.’
A little boy was overheard praying:
‘Lord, if you can’t make me a better
boy, don’t worry about it.
I’m having a real good time like I am.’
One particular four-year-old prayed,
‘And forgive us our trash baskets
as we forgive those who put trash in our baskets.’
A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they
were on the way to church service,
‘And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?’
One bright little girl replied,
‘Because people are sleeping.’
A wife invited some people to dinner.
At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,
‘Would you like to say the blessing?’
‘I wouldn’t know what to say,’ the girl replied.
‘Just say what you hear Mommy say,’ the wife answered.
The daughter bowed her head and said,
‘Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?’
Ketchup
A mother was struggling to get the ketchup out of the bottle when the phone rang. She asked her four year old daughter to answer it. She heard her daughter say, “Mommy can’t come to the phone. She’s hitting the bottle.”
I Pledge Allegiance
Not quite getting it, the little first grader said, “I led the pigeons to the flag.”
The Elderly
When I worked for an organization which delivered meals to the elderly, I would take along my four year old daughter. She was always fascinated by the appliances of old age – canes, walkers, wheelchairs, etc. One day I saw her staring at a set of false teeth in a jar. She said to me, “The tooth fairy will never believe this.”
Child Psychology
A new teacher thought she would use what she learned in her psychology courses. She said to her class, “Everyone who thinks they are stupid, please stand up.”
After a few seconds, one boy stood. “Do you think you’re stupid?” she asked.
“No, ma’am, but I just didn’t want you to have to stand there all by yourself.”
What kind of little girl was your mother?
I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be she was pretty bossy.
I Don’t Want To Go To Church!
A mother went to wake her son for church one Sunday morning. When she knocked on his door, he said, “I’m not going!”
“Why not?” asked his mother.
“I’ll give you two good reasons,” he said. “One, they don’t like me. Two, I don’t like them.”
His mother replied, “I’ll give you two good reasons why YOU WILL go to church. One, you’re 47 years old. Two, you’re the pastor!”
The HamSandwich
A Jewish rabbi and a Catholic priest were good friends. At a picnic one day, the priest was eating a ham sandwich. “You know,” he said to his friend, “this ham sandwich is delicious. I know you’re not supposed to eat ham, but I don’t understand why such a good thing would be forbidden. When will you break down and try it?”
To which the rabbi replied, “At your wedding.”
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
Did you hear about the yogi who was having a filling put in a tooth? When the dentist asked him if he wanted Novocain, the yogi said, “No. I can transcend dental medication.”
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Never, under any circumstances, combine a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair.. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
“Who was THAT?”
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like: “We used to skate outside on a pond I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
5.. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked,”Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her
grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was
writing a story. “What’s it about?” he asked.
“I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what colour it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these, yourself!”
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects. Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes ar e coming after us with flashlights.”
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised, “mine says
I’m 4 to 6.”
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?” “It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a
public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close. “They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
15. The Father was trying to help his 8 year old daughter with her email ….”honey do you remember your password”?
She replied,“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofy” Dad said, “Why such a big password honey”?
She proudly replied, “It had to be at least 8 characters long.”
16.The Young Mother asked the 3 year old how daddy knew if the new baby kittens were girls or boys, the son replied, “Daddy picked them up and looked underneath. I think it’s printed on the bottom.”
17. A young man, examining the contents of a box of Animal Crackers, “The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken. I’m looking for the seal.”
18. 4 year old boy, when his mother told him his shoes were on the wrong feet “Don’t kid me, Mom, I know they’re my feet.” -
19. When the little Girl, was told she should make up her mind her reply, “How do you put make up on your mind?”.
20. A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read, “The man namedLot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city, but his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to the flea?”
21. A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride’s side and groom’s side), put his hands up like claws, and roar. Step, step, ROAR, step step, ROAR, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing and was almost crying by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”
Lost Keys
Several days ago as I left a meeting at our church, I desperately gave myself a personal TSA pat down. I was looking for my keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized, I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife, Diane, has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition. My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. Her theory is that the car will be stolen. As I burst through the doors of the church, I came to a terrifying conclusion. Her theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen. Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered. (I always call her “honey” in times like these.) “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard Diane’s voice. “Ken” she barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.” Diane retorted, “I will, as soon as I convince this policeman I have not stolen your car!”
Tiger Snack
A tiger was walking through the jungle one day and saw two men relaxing under a tree. One was reading a newspaper, and the other was working feverishly on a manual typewriter.
The tiger leapt on the man with the newspaper, and ate him up. The tiger did not bother the other man at all. That’s because any predator knows that readers digest but writers cramp.
The Preacher’s Dying Wish
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer to come to his home. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom.
As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the doctor and lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them.
They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?
The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves.. and that’s how I want to go.”
Tough Missionaries
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, “You know, I just can’t seem to get a tender missionary. I’ve baked ‘em, I’ve roasted ‘em, I’ve stewed ‘em, I’ve barbecued ‘em, I’ve even tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender.”
The second cannibal asks, “What kind of missionary do you use?”
The other replied, “You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and their sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads.”
“Ah ha!” he replies. “No wonder.. those are friars!”
The Rookie Priest
The young priest in training was so excited, today was his first day to take confession. His mentor stood in the wings patiently and listened to the confessions throughout the day..
That evening the Father Mentor took the young priest aside and instructed. “You did fine, but I noticed one thing that needs correction. You really need to pick another word to use after the sin is described, WOW, is never a good choice.”
Mind Your Own Business
Two beggars are sitting on a park bench in Mexico City. One is holding a Cross and one a Star of David. Both are holding hats to collect contributions People walk by, lift their noses at the man with the Star of David and drop money in the hat held by the man with the cross. Soon the hat of the man with the cross is filled and the hat of the man with the Star of David is empty.
A priest watches and then approaches the men. He turns to the man with the Star of David and says: ‘Young man. Don’t you realize that this is a Catholic country? You’ll never get any contributions in this country holding a Star of David.’
The man with the Star of David turns to the man with the cross and says ‘Moishe, can you imagine, this guy is trying to tell us how to run our business?
Boys will Be Boys
After a hardy rainstorm filled all the potholes in the streets and alleys, a young mother watched her two little boys playing in the puddle through her kitchen window.
The older of the two, a five-year-old lad, grabbed his sibling by the back of his head and shoved his face into the water hole. As the boy recovered and stood laughing and dripping, the mother runs to the yard in a panic.
“Why on earth did you do that to your little brother?” she says as she shook the older boy in anger. “We were just playing church mommy,” he said. “And I was just baptizing him …in the name of the Father, the Son and in…the hole-he-goes.
Everybody has a good excuse
for not attending church.
I don’t eat any more because:
1. I was forced to eat as a child.
2. People who eat all the time are hypocrites; they aren’t really hungry.
3. There are so many different kinds of food, I can’t decide what to eat.
4. I used to eat, but I got bored and stopped.
5. I only eat on special occasions, like Christmas and Easter.
6. None of my friends will eat with me.
7. I’ll start eating when I get older.
8. I don’t really have time to eat.
9. I don’t believe that eating does anybody any good. It’s just a crutch.
10. Restaurants and grocery stores are only after your money.
Giving a lame excuse for not attending church
or for not getting involved in ministry is just as silly as giving up eating.
Church attendance for the Christian is as important as regular, balanced meals.
Without spiritual food, we will die. (1 Peter 2:2).
Speaking of travels, I heard that when Marco Polo first opened the trade routes toChina, he was quite impressed with their rockets. Now, these weren’t quite the fireworks we now know, but they did shoot into the air, explode and make some pretty patterns. Strangely, no matter where he went, there were people who made fireworks, but he had trouble finding someone to demonstrate them for him.
“Not here!” they said. …very confusing. Until ol’ Marc came upon an ancient military fortification at the community of Chu’Lai. Here, fireworks were launched every night, and Marc was very impressed!
But still he wondered, “Why here?” At the end of every week, people came from great distances, bringing their own fireworks to launch. So Marco Polo asked his guide why everyone came here to launch their fireworks.
Marc’s guide replied: “Why honored Sir, … We always set off fireworks on the Forts of Chu’Lai”
Dear God,
Please put another holiday between Christmas and Easter.
There is nothing good in there now.
Dear Mr. God,
I wish you would not make it so easy for people to come apart. I had to have 3 stitches and a shot.
Dear God,
It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (I am not going to tell you who I am).
Dear Pastor, I liked your sermon on Sunday. Especially when it was finished.
Ralph, Age 11,Akron
Little Bobby was spending the weekend with his grandmother after a particularly trying week in kindergarten. His grandmother decided to take him to the park on Saturday morning. It had been snowing all night and everything was beautiful.
His grandmother remarked…”doesn’t it look like an artist painted this scenery? Did you know God painted this just for you?”
Bobby said, “Yes, God did it and he did it left handed.”
This confused his grandmother a bit, and she asked him “What makes you say God did this with his left hand?”
“Well,” said Bobby, “we learned at Sunday School last week that Jesus sits on God’s right hand!”
I was telling my three boys the story of the Nativity and how the Wise Men brought gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh for the infant Jesus.
Clearly giving it a lot of thought, my six-year-old observed, “Mom, a Wise Woman would have brought diapers.”
A Woman went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. “What Denomination?” Asked the clerk. “Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?” said the woman. “Well give me 50 Baptist and 50 Methodist ones.”
During a children’s sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what “Amen” means. A little boy raised his hand and said: “It means – ‘Tha-tha-tha-that’s all folks!’ “
A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His answer? “3, 6, 1, 8, 4, 5, 9, 2, 10, 7.”
A handyman, who was working for a Synagogue, had asked for a raise and was turned down. He decided to quit and went out to look for work.
First he went to a Catholic church and was told that in order to work there he would have to answer one question. The priest asked, “Where was Jesus born?”
The man answered, “Pittsburgh,” and was thrown out on his ear.
He then went to a Baptist church. The minister told him that in order to get a job there he would have to answer a question. He was asked, “Where was Jesus born?”
The man answered, “Philadelphia.” He was promptly tossed out.
Walking away he met the rabbi who was looking for him. The rabbi exclaimed, “The board approved your raise. Please come back immediately.”
The man said to the rabbi, “I will come back only if you answer a question. “Where was Jesus born?”
The rabbi says, “Bethlehem”.
“Of course!” cried the man. “I knew it was inPennsylvania”.
Heaven on the Point System
A man dies and goes to heaven. Of course, St. Peter meets him at the pearly gates.
St. Peter says, “Here’s how it works. You need 100 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When you reach 100 points, you get in.”
“Okay,” the man says, “I was married to the same woman for 50 years and never cheated on her, even in my heart.”
“That’s wonderful,” says St. Peter, “that’s worth three points!”
“Three points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my tithe and service.”
“Terrific!” says St. Peter, “that’s certainly worth a point.”
“One point? WHAT!!!. How about this; I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for homeless veterans.”
“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points, ” he says.
“TWO POINTS!!” the man cries, “At this rate the only way I’ll get into heaven is by the grace of God!”
“Come on in!”
THE BLONDE AND THE LORD
and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular
cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of
cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens
the voice bellowed,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of
the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
“THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!”
She stopped, looked skyward! and said,
“IS THAT YOU LORD?”
The voice replied,
“NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK!”
The invisible couple had a kid and he isn’t much to look at either!
3 friends die in a car accident and they go to an orientation in heaven. They are all asked, “When you are in your casket and friends and family are talking about you, what would you like them to say?
The first guy says,”I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow.”
The last guy replies, “I would like to hear them say … Look, He’s Moving!
Sad Story
Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes. The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story. They then started up the steps
After 2 hours it was Harry’s turn. He turned to the other two and said “Ok guys, here’s my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.
Pretty Eve
Adam was talking to God one day, and asked, “why did you make Eve so pretty?”
God replied, “So you would love her”.
Adam then asked, “why did you make her such a good cook?”.
God replied, “So that you would love her”.
Adam asked, “Why does she have such a heavenly smile?”.
God said “So you would love her”.
Finally, Adam asked “Why did you make her so dumb?”
God replied, “So that she would love you!”.
God’s Address
The Rev. Billy Graham tells of a time early in his career when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon. Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.
When the boy told him, Rev. Graham thanked him and said, “If you’ll come to the Baptist church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.”
“I don’t think I’ll be there,” the boy said. “You don’t even know your way to the post office.”
For all of us who are—seniors—
‘Where Is My Paper?’
The irate customer calling the newspaper offices, loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
‘Ma’am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered ’til Sunday.’
There was quite a pause on the other end
of the phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
‘So that’s why no one was in church today.’
Urin Trouble!!!
A blind man was out walking with his seeing-eye dog when suddenly the animal paused and wet the man’s leg. Bending down, the blind man stretched out his hand and patted the dog’s head.
Having watched what happened, a bystander said, “Why are you patting him? That dog just wet on your leg!”
“I know,” said the blind man, but I gotta find his head before I can kick his butt.
Super Granny
An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, “I have a gun and I know how to use it!
Get out of the car you dirty rotten scoundrels!”
The four men didn’t wait for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.
She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5′ tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.
No charges were filed.
(True story!)
You’re Drinking Too Much Coffee When:
You answer the door before people knock.
You just completed your third sweater today, and you don’t know how to knit.
Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.
You can type sixty words a minute with your feet.
You don’t sweat, you percolate.
People can test their batteries in your ears.
Your birthday is a national holiday in Brazil.
The only time you’re standing still is in an earthquake.
EVER WONDER …
Why the sun lightens our hair,
but darkens our skin?
Why women can’t put on mascara
with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline
‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is the man who invests all
your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the
slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored
cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black
box that is used on airplanes? Why
don’t they make the whole plane out
of that stuff?!
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments
when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is
Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call
the airport the terminal?
Emergency Response
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
Did You Ever Wonder?
Can you cry under water?
How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If money doesn’t grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to “put your two cents in”…but it’s only a “penny for your thoughts”? Where’s that extra penny going to?
What did cured ham actually have?
Baby Belly
A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctor’s office.
He inquisitively asks the lady, “Why is your stomach so big?”
She replied, “I’m having a baby.”
With big eyes, he asked, “Is the baby in your stomach?”
She said, “He sure is.”
Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, “Is it a good baby?”
She said, “Oh, yes. It’s a real good baby.”
With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked…
“Then why did you eat him?”
Gifts for the Teacher
It was at the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist’s son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, “I bet I know what it is. Some flowers.” “That’s right” the boy said, “but how did you know?” “Oh, just a wild guess,” she said.
The next pupil was the candy shop owner’s daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is. A box of sweets.” “That’s right, but how did you know?” asked the girl. “Oh, just a wild guess,” said the teacher.
The next gift was from the son of the liquor store owner. The teacher held the package overhead, but it was leaking. She touched a drop of the leakage with her finger and touched it to her tongue. “Is it wine?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with some excitement.
The teacher repeated the process, taking a larger drop of the leakage to her tongue. “Is it champagne?” she asked. “No,” the boy replied, with more excitement. The teacher took one more taste before declaring, “I give up, what is it?” With great glee, the boy replied, “It’s a puppy!”
Teach The Children The True Meaning of Christmas
This is how it happened…I just finished the household chores for the night and was preparing to go to bed, when I heard a noise in the front of the house. I opened the door to the front room and to my surprise, Santa himself stepped out from behind the Christmas tree.
He placed his finger over his mouth so I would not cry out. “What are you doing?” I started to ask. The words choked up in my throat, and I saw he had tears in his eyes. His usual jolly manner was gone. Gone was the eager, boisterous soul we all know.
He then answered me with a simple statement.
“TEACH THE CHILDREN!”
I was puzzled; what did he mean? He anticipated my question, and with one quick movement brought forth a miniature toy bag from behind the tree. As I stood bewildered, Santa said,
“Teach the children! Teach them the old meaning of Christmas. The meaning that now-a-days Christmas has forgotten.”
In his bag and pulled out a FIR TREE and placed it before the mantel.
“Teach the children that the pure green color of the stately fir tree remains green all year round, depicting the everlasting hope of mankind, all the needles point heavenward, making it a symbol of man’s thoughts turning toward heaven.”
He again reached into his bag and pulled out a brilliant STAR.
“Teach the children that the star was the heavenly sign of promises long ago. God promised a Savior for the world, and the star was the sign of fulfillment of His promise.”
He then reached into his bag and pulled out a CANDLE.
“Teach the children that the candle symbolizes that Christ is the light of the world, and when we see this great light we are reminded of He who displaces the darkness.”
Once again he reached into his bag and removed a WREATH and placed it on the tree.
“Teach the children that the wreath symbolizes the real nature of love. Real love never ceases. Love is one continuous round of affection.”
He then pulled from his bag an ornament of himself.
“Teach the children that I, St. Nick, Santa Claus ) symbolize the generosity and good will we feel during the month of December.”
He then brought out a HOLLY LEAF.
“Teach the children that the holly plant represents immortality. It represents the crown of thorns worn by our Savior. The red holly represents the blood shed by Him.”
Next he pulled from his bag a GIFT and said,
“Teach the children that God so loved the world that HE gave HIS only begotten SON…” “Thanks be to God for his unspeakable gift.
“Teach the children that the wise men bowed before the Holy BABE and presented HIM with gold, frankincense and myrrh. We should always give gifts in the same spirit of the wise men.”
Santa then reached in his bag and pulled out a CANDY CANE and hung it on the tree.
“Teach the children that the candy cane represents the shepherds’ crook. The crook on the staff helps to bring back strayed sheep to the flock. The candy cane is the symbol that we are our brother’s keeper.”
He reached in again and pulled out an ANGEL.
“Teach the children that it was the angels that heralded in the glorious news of the Savior’s birth. The angels sang ‘Glory to God in the highest, on earth peace and good will toward men.”
Suddenly I heard a soft twinkling sound, and from his bag he pulled out a BELL.
“Teach the children that as the lost sheep are found by the sound of the bell, it should ring mankind to the fold. The bell symbolizes guidance and return.”
Santa looked back and was pleased. He looked back at me and I saw that the twinkle was back in his eyes. He said,
“Remember, teach the children the true meaning of Christmas and do not put me in the center, for I am but a humble servant of the One that is, and I bow down to worship HIM, our LORD, our GOD.”
CHRISTMAS LOVE
Paraphrase of 1 Corinthians 13.
If I decorate my house perfectly with plaid bows, strands of twinkling lights and shiny balls, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another decorator.
If I slave away in the kitchen, baking dozens of Christmas cookies, preparing gourmet meals and arranging a beautifully adorned table at mealtime, but do not show love to my family, I’m just another cook.
If I work at the soup kitchen, carol in the nursing home and give all that I have to charity, but do not show love to my family, it profits me nothing.
If I trim the spruce with shimmering angels and crocheted snowflakes, attend a myriad of holiday parties and sing in the choir’s cantata but do not focus on Christ, I have missed the point.
Love stops the cooking to hug the child.
Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the spouse.
Love is kind, though harried and tired.
Love doesn’t envy another’s home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens.
Love doesn’t yell at the kids to get out of the way.
Love doesn’t give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can’t.
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust, but giving the gift of CHRISTMAS LOVE will endure
THE FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION (FBI)
The phone rings at FBI headquarters. “Hello?”
“I’m calling to report my neighbor.
He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood.”
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”
The next day, FBI agents descend on the neighbor’s house.
They search the shed where the firewood is kept.
Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.
They swear at the neighbors and leave.
The phone rings at the neighbors house.
Hey, Adrian, did the FBI come?”
“Yep.”
“Did they chop your firewood?”
“Yep.”
“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden plowed.”
‘Twas The Night Before Christmas
For moms!
When this season gets to be too much – just read this poem…
Twas the night before Christmas, when all thru the abode
Only one creature was stirring, & she was cleaning the commode.
The children were finally sleeping, all snug in their beds,
while visions of Nintendo 64 & Barbie, flipped through their heads.
The dad was snoring in front of the TV,
with a half-constructed bicycle propped on his knee.
So only the mom heard the reindeer hooves clatter,
which made her sigh, “Now what is the matter?”
With toilet bowl brush still clutched in her hand,
She descended the stairs, & saw the old man.
He was covered with ashes & soot, which fell with a shrug,
“Oh great,” muttered the mom, “Now I have to clean the rug.”
“Ho Ho Ho!” cried Santa, “I’m glad you’re awake.”
“your gift was especially difficult to make.”
“Thanks, Santa, but all I want is time alone.”
“Exactly!” he chuckled, “So, I’ve made you a clone.”
“A clone?” she muttered, “What good is that?”
“Run along, Santa, I’ve no time for chit chat.”
Then out walked the clone – The mother’s twin,
Same hair, same eyes, same double chin.
“She’ll cook, she’ll dust, she’ll mop every mess.
You’ll relax, take it easy, watch The Young & The Restless.”
“Fantastic!” the mom cheered. “My dream has come true!”
“I’ll shop, I’ll read, I’ll sleep a night through!”
From the room above, the youngest did fret.
“Mommy?! Come quickly, I’m scared & I’m wet.”
The clone replied, “I’m coming, sweetheart.”
“Hey,” the mom smiled, “She sure knows her part.”
The clone changed the small one & hummed her tune,
as she bundled the child in a blanket cocoon.
“You’re the best mommy ever. I really love you.”
The clone smiled & sighed, “And I love you, too.”
The mom frowned & said, “Sorry, Santa, no deal.”
That’s my child’s LOVE she is trying to steal.”
Smiling wisely Santa said, “To me it is clear,
Only one loving mother is needed here.”
The mom kissed her child & tucked her in bed.
“Thank You, Santa, for clearing my head.
I sometimes forget, it won’t be very long,
when they’ll be too old for my cradle & song.”
The clock on the mantle began to chime.
Santa whispered to the clone, “It works every time.”
With the clone by his side Santa said “Goodnight.
Merry Christmas, dear Mom, You will be all right.”
The Dime
Bobby was getting cold sitting out in his back yard in the snow. Bobby didn’t wear boots; he didn’t like them and anyway he didn’t own any. The thin sneakers he wore had a few holes in them and they did a poor job of keeping out the cold. Bobby had been in his backyard for about an hour already. And, try as he might, he could not come up with an idea for his mother’s Christmas gift. He shook his head as he thought, “This is useless, even if I do come up with an idea, I don’t have any money to spend.”
Ever since his father had passed away three years ago, the family of five had struggled. It wasn’t because his mother didn’t care, or try, there just never seemed to be enough. She worked nights at the hospital, but the small wage that she was earning could only be stretched so far.
What the family lacked in money and material things, they more than made up for in love and family unity. Bobby had two older and one younger sister, who ran the house hold in their mother’s absence. All three of his sisters had already made beautiful gifts for their mother. Somehow it just wasn’t fair. Here it was Christmas Eve already, and he had nothing.
Wiping a tear from his eye, Bobby kicked the snow and started to walk down to the street where the shops and stores were. It wasn’t easy being six without a father, especially when he needed a man to talk to. Bobby walked from shop to shop, looking into each decorated window.
Everything seemed so beautiful and so out of reach.
It was starting to get dark and Bobby reluctantly turned to walk home when suddenly his eyes caught the glimmer of the setting sun’s rays reflecting off of something along the curb. He reached down and discovered a shiny dime. Never before has anyone felt so wealthy as Bobby felt at that moment.
As he held his new-found treasure, a warmth spread throughout his entire body and he walked into the first store he saw. His excitement quickly turned cold when the salesperson told him that he couldn’t buy anything with only a dime.
He saw a flower shop and went inside to wait in line. When the shop owner asked if he could help him, Bobby presented the dime and asked if he could buy one flower for his mother’s Christmas gift. The shop owner looked at Bobby and his ten cent offering.
Then he put his hand on Bobby’s shoulder and said to him, “You just wait here and I’ll see what I can do for you.” As Bobby waited he looked at the beautiful flowers and even though he was a boy, he could see why mothers and girls liked flowers.
The sound of the door closing as the last customer left, jolted Bobby back to reality. All alone in the shop, Bobby began to feel alone and afraid. Suddenly the shop owner came out and moved to the counter.
There, before Bobby’s eyes, lay twelve long stem, red roses, with leaves of green and tiny white flowers all tied together with a big silver bow. Bobby’s heart sank as the owner picked them up and placed them gently into a long white box.
“That will be ten cents young man,” the shop owner said reaching out his hand for the dime. Slowly, Bobby moved his hand to give the man his dime. Could this be true? No one else would give him a thing for his dime!
Sensing the boy’s reluctance, the shop owner added, “I just happened to have some roses on sale for ten cents a dozen. Would you like them?”
This time Bobby did not hesitate, and when the man placed the long box into his hands, he knew it was true. Walking out the door that the owner was holding for Bobby, he heard the shop keeper say, “Merry Christmas son.”
As he returned inside, the shop keeper’s wife walked out. “Who were you talking to back there and where are the roses you were fixing?”
Staring out the window, and blinking the tears from his own eyes, he replied, “A strange thing happened to me this morning. While I was setting up things to open the shop, I thought I heard a voice telling me to set aside a dozen of my best roses for a special gift. I wasn’t sure at the time whether I had lost my mind or what, but I set them aside anyway.
Then just a few minutes ago, a little boy came into the shop and wanted to buy a flower for his mother with one small dime.
“When I looked at him, I saw myself, many years ago. I too, was a poor boy with nothing to buy my mother a Christmas gift. A bearded man, whom I never knew, stopped me on the street and told me that he wanted to give me ten dollars. “When I saw that little boy tonight, I knew who that voice was, and I put together a dozen of my very best roses.” The shop owner and his wife hugged each other tightly, and as they stepped out into the bitter cold air, they somehow didn’t feel cold at all.
Christmas Eve 1881
Pa never had much compassion for the lazy or those who squandered their means and then never had enough for the necessities. But for those who were genuinely in need, his heart was as big as all outdoors. It was from him that I learned the greatest joy in life comes from giving, not from receiving.
It was Christmas Eve 1881. I was fifteen years old and feeling like the world had caved in on me because there just hadn’t been enough money to buy me the rifle that I’d wanted for Christmas. We did the chores early that night for some reason. I just figured Pa wanted a little extra time so we could read in the Bible. After supper was over I took my boots off and stretched out in front of the fireplace and waited for Pa to get down the old Bible. I was still feeling sorry for myself and, to be honest, I wasn’t in much of a mood to read Scriptures. But Pa didn’t get the Bible, instead he bundled up again and went outside. I couldn’t figure it out because we had already done all the chores. I didn’t worry about it long though, I was too busy wallowing in self-pity.
Soon Pa came back in. It was a cold clear night out and there was ice in his beard. “Come on, Matt,” he said. “Bundle up good, it’s cold out tonight.” I was really upset then. Not only wasn’t I getting the rifle for Christmas, now Pa was dragging me out in the cold, and for no earthly reason that I could see. We’d already done all the chores, and I couldn’t think of anything else that needed doing, especially not on a night like this. But I knew Pa was not very patient at one dragging one’s feet when he’d told them to do something, so I got up and put my boots back on and got my cap, coat, and mittens.
Ma gave me a mysterious smile as I opened the door to leave the house. Something was up, but I didn’t know what. Outside, I became even more dismayed. There in front of the house was the work team, already hitched to the big sled. Whatever it was we were going to do wasn’t going to be a short, quick, little job. I could tell. We never hitched up this sled unless we were going to haul a big load.
Pa was already up on the seat, reins in hand. I reluctantly climbed up beside him. The cold was already biting at me. I wasn’t happy. When I was on, Pa pulled the sled around the house and stopped in front of the woodshed. He got off and I followed. “I think we’ll put on the high sideboards,” he said. “Here, help me.” The high sideboards! It had been a bigger job than I wanted to do with just the low sideboards on, but whatever it was we were going to do would be a lot bigger with the high sideboards on.
After we had exchanged the sideboards, Pa went into the woodshed and came out with an armload of wood — the wood I’d spent all summer hauling down from the mountain, and then all Fall sawing into blocks and splitting.
What was he doing? Finally I said something. “Pa,” I asked, “what are you doing?” “You been by the Widow Jensen’s lately?” he asked. The Widow Jensen lived about two miles down the road. Her husband had died a year or so before and left her with three children, the oldest being eight. Sure, I’d been by, but so what? “Yeah,” I said, “Why?” “I rode by just today,” Pa said. “Little Jake was out digging around in the woodpile trying to find a few chips. They’re out of wood, Matt.”
That was all he said and then he turned and went back into the wood-shed for another armload of wood. I followed him. We loaded the sled so high that I began to wonder if the horses would be able to pull it. Finally, Pa called a halt to our loading, then we went to the smoke house and Pa took down a big ham and a side of bacon. He handed them to me and told me to put them in the sled and wait. When he returned he was carrying a sack of flour over his right shoulder and a smaller sack of something in his left hand. “What’s in the little sack?” I asked. “Shoes. They’re out of shoes.
Little Jake just had gunny sacks wrapped around his feet when he was out in the woodpile this morning. I got the children a little candy too. It just wouldn’t be Christmas without a little candy.”
We rode the two miles to the Widow Jensen’s pretty much in silence. I tried to think through what Pa was doing. We didn’t have much by worldly standards. Of course, we did have a big woodpile, though most of what was left now was still in the form of logs that I would have to saw into blocks and split before we could use it. We also had meat and flour, so we could spare that, but I knew we didn’t have any money, so why was Pa buying them shoes and candy? Really, why was he doing any of this? The Widow Jensen had closer neighbors than us; it shouldn’t have been our concern.
We came in from the blind side of the Jensen house and unloaded the wood as quietly as possible. Then we took the meat and flour and shoes to the door. We knocked. The door opened a crack and a timid voice said, “Who is it?” “Lucas Miles, Ma’am, and my son, Matt. Could we come in for a bit?” The Widow Jensen opened the door to let us in. She had a blanket wrapped around her shoulders. The children were wrapped in another and were sitting in front of the fireplace by a very small fire that hardly gave off any heat at all. The Widow Jensen fumbled with a match and finally lit the lamp.
“We brought you a few things, Ma’am,” Pa said and set down the sack of flour. I put the meat on the table. Then Pa handed her the sack that had the shoes in it. She opened it hesitantly and took the shoes out one pair at a time. There was a pair for her and one for each of the children sturdy shoes, the best, shoes that would last.
I watched her carefully. She bit her lower lip to keep it from trembling and then tears filled her eyes and started running down her cheeks. She looked up at Pa like she wanted to say something, but it wouldn’t come out. “We brought a load of wood too, Ma’am,” Pa said. He turned to me and said, “Matt, go bring in enough to last awhile. Let’s get that fire up to size and heat this place up.”
I wasn’t the same person when I went back out to bring in the wood. I had a big lump in my throat, and as much as I hate to admit it, there were tears in my eyes too. In my mind I kept seeing those three kids huddled around the fireplace and their mother standing there with tears running down her cheeks with so much gratitude in her heart that she couldn’t speak.
My heart swelled within me and a joy that I’d never known before filled my soul. I had given at Christmas many times before, but never when it had made so much difference. I could see we were literally saving the lives of these people.
I soon had the fire blazing and everyone’s spirits soared. The kids started giggling when Pa handed them each a piece of candy and the Widow Jensen looked on with a smile that probably hadn’t crossed her face for a long time. She finally turned to us. “God bless you,” she said. “I know the Lord has sent you. The children and I have been praying that he would send one of his angels to spare us.” In spite of myself, the lump returned to my throat and the tears welled up in my eyes again.
I’d never thought of Pa in those exact terms before, but after the Widow Jensen mentioned it I could see that it was probably true. I was sure that a better man than Pa had never walked the earth. I started remembering all the times he had gone out of his way for Ma and me, and many others. The list seemed endless as I thought on it.
Pa insisted that everyone try on the shoes before we left. I was amazed when they all fit and I wondered how he had known what sizes to get. Then I guessed that if he was on an errand for the Lord that the Lord would make sure he got the right sizes. Tears were running down the Widow Jensen’s face again when we stood up to leave. Pa took each of the kids in his big arms and gave them a hug. They clung to him and didn’t want us to go. I could see that they missed their Pa, and I was glad that I still had mine.
At the door Pa turned to Widow Jensen and said, “The Mrs. wanted me to invite you and the children over for Christmas dinner tomorrow. The turkey will be more than the three of us can eat, and a man can get cantankerous if he has to eat turkey for too many meals. We’ll be by to get you about eleven. It’ll be nice to have some little ones around again. Matt, here, hasn’t been little for quite a spell.” I was the youngest. My two brothers and two sisters had all married and had moved away.
Widow Jensen nodded and said, “Thank you, Brother Miles. I don’t have to say, ‘May the Lord bless you,’ I know for certain that He will.”
Out on the sled I felt a warmth that came from deep within and I didn’t even notice the cold. When we had gone a ways, Pa turned to me and said, “Matt, I want you to know something. Your ma and me have been tucking a little money away here and there all year so we could buy that rifle for you, but we didn’t have quite enough. Then yesterday a man who owed me a little money from years back came by to make things square. Your ma and me were real excited, thinking that now we could get you that rifle, and I started into town this morning to do just that. But on the way I saw little Jake out scratching in the woodpile with his feet wrapped in those gunny sacks and I knew what I had to do.
“Son, I spent the money for shoes and a little candy for those children. I hope you understand.”
I understood, and my eyes became wet with tears again. I understood very well, and I was so glad Pa had done it. Now the rifle seemed very low on my list of priorities. Pa had given me a lot more. He had given me the look on the Widow Jensen’s face and the radiant smiles of her three children.
For the rest of my life, whenever I saw any of the Jensens, or split a block of wood, I remembered. And remembering brought back that same joy I felt riding home beside Pa that night. Pa had given me much more than a rifle that night, he had given me the best Christmas of my life.
The Charles Schulz Philosophy
The following is the philosophy of Charles Schulz, the creator of the ‘Peanuts’ comic strip.
1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America pageant.
4 Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.
5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
6. Name the last decade’s worth of World Series winners.
How did you do? The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. They are the
best in their fields. But the applause dies.. Awards tarnish.. Achievements are forgotten.
Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners.
Here’s another quiz. See how you do on this one:
1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.
2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.
4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Easier? The lesson:
The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones with the
most credentials, the most money…or the most awards.
They simply are the ones who care the most.
Kids Proverbs
Kids say the darndest Christian jokes.
A first grade teacher collected well-known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. Their insight may surprise you.
- As you shall make your bed so shall you … Mess it up
- Better to be safe than … Punch a 5th grader
- Strike while the … Bug is close
- It’s always darkest before … Daylight Savings Time
- Never underestimate the power of … Termites
- You can lead a horse to water but … how?
- Don’t bite the hand that … looks dirty
- No news is .. impossible
- A miss is as good as a … Mr.
- You can’t teach an old dog new … math
- If you lie down with dogs, you’ll … stink in the morning
- Love all, trust … me
- The pen is mightier than the … pigs
- An idle mind is … The best way to relax
- Where there’s smoke there’s … pollution
- Happy the bride who … gets all the presents
- A penny saved is … not much
- Two’s company, three’s … the Musketeers
- Don’t put off till tomorrow what … you put on to go to bed
- Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and … you have to blow your nose
- None are so blind as … Helen Keller
- Children should be seen and not … spanked or grounded
- If at first you don’t succeed … get new batteries
- You get out of something what you … see pictured on the box
- When the blind leadeth the blind … get out of the way
What Love means to a 4 to 8 year old…
Touching words from the mouth of babes.
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds , ‘What does love mean?’
The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined
See what you think:
‘When my grandmother got arthritis , she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore.. So my grandfather does it for her all the time , even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’ Rebecca- age 8
‘When someone loves you , the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’ Billy – age 4
‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.’ Karl – age 5
‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.’ Chrissy – age 6
‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’ Terri – age 4
‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him , to make sure the taste is OK.’ Danny – age 7
‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing , you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that.
They look gross when they kiss’ Emily – age 8
‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents
and listen.’ Bobby – age 7 (Wow!)
‘If you want to learn to love better , you should start with a friend who you hate , ‘
Nikka – age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)
‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt , then he wears it everyday.’
Noelle – age 7
‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’ Tommy – age 6
‘During my piano recital , I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’ Cindy – age 8
‘My mommy loves me more than anybody You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’ Clare – age 6
‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’ Elaine-age 5
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford .’ Chris – age 7
‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’
Mary Ann – age 4
‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’ Lauren – age 4
‘When you love somebody , your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ (what an image) Karen – age 7
‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.’
Mark – age 6
‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it , you should say it a lot. People forget.’ Jessica – age 8
And the final one
The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife.
Upon seeing the man cry , the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard , climbed onto his lap , and just sat there.
When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor , the little boy said ,
‘Nothing , I just helped him cry’
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway,
I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, Put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, And notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back On the table and take out the garbage first..
But then I think, Since I’m going to be near the mailbox When I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, And see that there is only one check left.
My extra checks are in my desk in the study, So I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, But first I need to push the Pepsi aside
So that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, And I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, A vase of flowers on the counter
Catches my eye–they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and Discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk,
But first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, Fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote,
But I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, So I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, But first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, But quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, Get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to Remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
The car isn’t washed
The bills aren’t paid
There is a warm can of
Pepsi sitting on the counter
The flowers don’t have enough water,
There is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
And I don’t remember what I did with the car keys
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today,
I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day,
And I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem,
And I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail….
Sack Lunch
I put my carry-on in the Luggage compartment and sat down in my assigned seat. It was going to be a long flight. ‘I’m Glad I have a good book to read. Perhaps I will Get a short nap,’ I thought.
Just before take-off, A line of soldiers came down the aisle and Filled all the vacant seats, totally surrounding Me. I decided to start a conversation.
‘Where are you Headed?’ I asked the soldier seated nearest toMe. ‘Petawawa. We’ll be there for two Weeks for special training, and then we’re being Deployed toAfghanistan.
After Flying for about an hour, an announcement was Made that sack lunches were available for five Dollars. It would be several hours before we Reached the east, and I quickly decided a lunch Would help pass the time…
As I reached for my Wallet, I overheard a soldier ask his buddy if He planned to buy lunch. ‘No, that seems Like a lot of money for just a sack lunch. Probably wouldn’t be worth five bucks. I’ll wait till we get to base.’
His friend agreed. I looked around at the Other soldiers. None were buying lunch. I walked To the back of the plane and handed the flight Attendant a fifty dollar bill. ‘Take a Lunch to all those soldiers.’
She grabbed my Arms and squeezed tightly. Her eyes wet with Tears, she thanked me. ‘My son was a soldier in Iraq; it’s almost like you are doing it for Him.’
Picking up ten Sacks, she headed up the aisle to where the Soldiers were seated. She stopped at my seat and Asked, ‘Which do you like best – beef or Chicken?’
‘Chicken,’ I replied, Wondering why she asked. She turned and went to The front of plane, returning a minute later With a dinner plate from first class.
‘This is your thanks.’
After we finished Eating, I went again to the back of the plane, Heading for the rest room. A man stopped me. ‘I saw what you did. I want to Be part of it. Here, take this.’ He handed me Twenty-five dollars.
Soon after I returned To my seat, I saw the Flight Captain coming down The aisle, looking at the aisle numbers as he Walked, I hoped he was not looking for me, but Noticed he was looking at the numbers only on my Side of the plane. When he got to my row he Stopped, smiled, held out his hand and said, ‘I Want to shake your hand.’ Quickly unfastening my Seatbelt I stood and took the Captain’s hand. With a booming voice he said, ‘I was a soldier And I was a military pilot. Once, someone bought Me a lunch. It was an act of kindness I never Forgot.’
I was embarrassed when applause was Heard from all of the passengers.
Later I walked to the Front of the plane so I could stretch my legs. A Man who was seated about six rows in front of me Reached out his hand, wanting to shake mine. He Left another twenty-five dollars in my palm.
When we landed I Gathered my belongings and started to deplane. Waiting just inside the airplane door was a man Who stopped me, put something in my shirt
Pocket, turned, and walked away without saying a Word. Another twenty-five dollars!
Upon entering the Terminal, I saw the soldiers gathering for their Trip to the base. I walked over to Them and handed them seventy-five dollars. ‘It Will take you some time to reach the Base. It Will be about time for a sandwich. God Bless You.’
Ten young Men left that flight feeling the love and Respect of their fellow travelers.
A veteran is someone who, at one point in his life, wrote a blank check made payable to ‘The United States of America ‘ for an amount of ‘up to and including my life.’
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.” So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
“President Clinton,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.” Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White house grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba.
“My folks are from Poland, and I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’ side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?” His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, “Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”
NASA’s Chicken Assault Gun
Scientists at NASA have developed a gun for the purpose of launching dead chickens. It is used to shoot a dead chicken at the windshield of airline jet, military jet, or the space shuttle, at that vehicle's maximum traveling velocity. The idea being, that it would simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl, and therefore determine if the windshields are strong enough to endure high-speed bird strikes.
British engineers, upon hearing of the gun, were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. However, upon firing the gun, the engineers watched in shock as the chicken shattered the windshield, smashed through the control console, snapped the engineer's backrest in two, and embedded itself into the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified and puzzled, the engineers sent NASA the results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked the NASA scientists for any suggestions.
The NASA scientists sent back a brief response: "Thaw the chicken."
The Smartest Man In The World
A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out.
Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining.
The doctor grabbed one and said “I’m a doctor, I save lives, so I must live,” and jumped out.
The lawyer then said, “I’m a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world, I deserve to live!” He grabbed a parachute and jumped.
The priest looked at the little boy and said, “My son, I’ve lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace”.
The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, “Not to worry, Father. The ‘smartest man in the world’ just took off with my back pack.”
Another Man’s Wife
Roger Matthews tells the following story:
We were traveling one summer in thePocono Mountainsand, like a good Presbyterian family, attended church while we were on vacation.
One lazy Sunday we found our way to a littleMethodistChurch. It was a hot day and the folks were nearly “out” in the pews. The preacher was preaching on and on until, all of a sudden, he said, “The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man’s wife.” The congregation let out a gasp, came to immediate attention, and the dozing deacon in the back row dropped his hymnbook. Then the preacher said, “It was my mother.” The congregation tittered a little and managed to follow along as the sermon concluded. I filed this trick away in my memory; a great way to get the congregation’s attention back when it has been lost.
Sure enough, the next summer, on a lazy Sunday, I was preaching and the flies were buzzing around and the ushers were sinking lower and lower in their seats in the back row until I could hardly see them. Then I remembered our experience in thePocono Mountains, and I said in a booming voice, “The best years of my life have been spent in the arms of another man’s wife.” Sure enough, I had their attention. One of the ushers in the back row sat up so fast he hit his head on the back of the pew in front of him. I had them. But you know something, I forgot what came next. All I could think to say was, “And for the life of me, I can’t remember her name.”
34 THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN:
1… There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.
2… If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3… A 3 year-old’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4… If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing batman underwear and a superman cape.
5… It is strong enough however to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.
6… Baseballs make marks on ceilings.
7… You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.
8… When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.
9… A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
10… The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
11… When you hear the toilet flush and the words Uh-oh, it’s already too late.
12… Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
13… A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
14… A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
15… If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak- it explodes.
16… A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.
17… Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.
18… Duplos will not.
19… Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.
20… Super glue is forever.
21… No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
22… Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
23… VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
24… Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
25… Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
26… You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
27… Always look in the oven before you turn it on.
28… Plastic toys do not like ovens.
29… The fire department inAustinhas at least a 5 minute response time.
30… The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.
31… It will however make cats dizzy.
32… Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
33… Quiet does not necessarily mean don’t worry.
34… A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).
Children are Quick
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America ..
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America ?
CLASS: Maria.
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TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
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TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
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TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s.. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, sir. It’s the same dog.
(I want to adopt this kid!!!)
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TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
“Sermons of the Boring Variety!”
A newly ordained preacher and his young wife were talking about being more considerate of each other. The good wife promised that she would stop being so critical of his sleep-inducing sermons. He, in return, promised to honor her privacy and stop looking through her dresser drawers.
The preacher was true to his word, never looking through his wife’s dresser drawers, and the good wife was never openly critical of her husband’s sermons. Their marriage progressed smoothly.
After 50 years, their children gave a great party to celebrate the golden anniversary of the preacher and his wife. Many people came to congratulate the happy couple.
That evening, as they were putting their anniversary gifts away, the preacher saw that his wife had left one dresser drawer slightly open. He tried as hard as he could to withstand the temptation, but he finally opened the drawer and looked inside. There he found 3 eggs, and $10,000, in bills of varied denominations. He was greatly puzzled by this, and went to question his wife.
“Oh,” she said. “Well, you remember when we spoke of being more considerate with each other all those years ago?”
The preacher, feeling profoundly guilty, answered, “Yes.”
“Well,” she continued, “I promised to stop criticizing your boring sermons, but every time you gave a sermon that was a real snoozer, I put an egg into that drawer.”
The preacher smiled. “Well, that’s not so bad. Fifty years of sermons and only 3 eggs! But what about all that money?”
His wife quietly responded, “Every time I got a dozen eggs, I sold them.”
What’s On the Other Side
A sick man turned to his doctor, as he was preparing to leave the
examination room and said,
“Doctor, I am afraid to die.
Tell me what lies on the other side.”
Very quietly, the doctor said,
” I don’t know.”
“You don’t know? You, a Christian man, do not know what is on the other side?”
The doctor was holding the handle of the door; on the other side of which
came a sound of scratching and whining, and as he opened the door, a dog sprang
into the room and leaped on him with an eager show of gladness.
Turning to the patient, the doctor said,
” Did you notice my dog?
He’s never been in this room before. He didn’t know what was inside. He knew nothing
except that his master was here, and when the door opened, he sprang in without
fear. I know little of what is on the other side of death, but I do know one thing,
I know my Master is there and that is enough.”
Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, ‘What do you think about all this Satan stuff?’
The other boy replied, ‘Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out.
It’s probably just your Dad.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, ‘Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied, ‘Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.’
The child thought about this for a moment then said, ‘So why is the groom wearing black?’
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A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,
‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late! Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late!’
While she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again!
As she ran she once again began to pray, ‘Dear Lord, please don’t let me be late… But please don’t shove me either!’
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
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A police recruit was asked during the exam, ‘What would you do if you had to arrest your own Mother? He answered, ‘Call for backup.’
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A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to ‘Honor thy father and thy mother,’ she asked,
‘Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?’
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, ‘Thou shall not kill..’
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, ‘Johnny, what is the matter?’
Little Johnny responded, ‘I have pain in my side.
I think I’m going to have a wife.’
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The Preachers Donkey
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man
that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher).
The only way to make the donkey go, is to say, “Hallelujah!”. The only way to make the donkey stop, is to say, “Amen!”.
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal
to try out the preacher’s instructions.
“Hallelujah!”, shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. “Amen!”, shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately.
“This is great!”, said the man. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man traveled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading towards a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. “Stop,” said the man. “Halt!”, he cried.The donkey just kept going.
“Oh, no…’Bible!….Church!…Please Stop!!”, shouted the man. The donkey just began to trot faster.
He was now getting closer and closer to the edge of the cliff. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer… “Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the edge of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN”.
The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
“HALLELUJAH!, OOOOOOOOOOOOPS”, shouted the man!!!
Children Writing About the Ocean…
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson . She’s not my friend any more. (Kylie, age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves in to chargers.
(Christopher, age 7)
The ocean is made up of water and fish. Why the fish don’t drown I don’t know. (Bobby, age 6)
My dad was a sailor on the ocean. He knows all about the ocean. What he doesn’t know is why he quit being a sailor and married my mom. (James, age 7)
If you are surrounded by ocean, you are an island. If you don’t have ocean all round you, you are incontinent. (Mike, age 7)
Police in Los Angeles, had good luck with a robbery suspect during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, ”Give me all your money or I’ll shoot,”
the man shouted, “That’s not what I said!”
A man spoke frantically into the phone,
”My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”.
“Is this her first child?”
the doctor asked. “No!”, the man shouted,
“This is her husband!”.
Jesus is Real
Howard County Sheriff Jerry Marr got a disturbing call one Saturday afternoon a few months ago.
His 6-year-old grandson Mikey had been hit by a car while fishing in Greentown with his dad. The father and son were near a bridge by the Kokomo Reservoir when a woman lost control of her car, slid off the bridge and hit Mikey at a rate of about 50 mph.
Sheriff Marr had seen the results of accidents like this and feared the worst. When he got to Saint Joseph Hospital, he rushed through the emergency room to find Mikey conscious and in fairly good spirits.
Mikey, what happened?”
Sheriff Marr asked.
Mikey replied,
“Well, Papaw, I was fishin’ with Dad, and some lady runned me over, I flew into a mud puddle, and broke my fishin’ pole and I didn’t get to catch no fish!”
As it turned out, the impact propelled Mikey about 500 feet, over a few trees and an embankment and into the middle of a mud puddle. His only injuries were to his right femur bone which had broken in two places.
Mikey had surgery to place pins in his leg. Otherwise the boy is fine. Since all the boy could talk about was that his fishing pole was broken, the Sheriff went out to Walmart and bought him a new one while he was in surgery so he could have it when he came out.
The next day the Sheriff sat with Mikey to keep him company in the hospital. Mikey was enjoying his new fishing pole and talked about when he could go fishing again as he cast into the trash can.
When they were alone, Mikey, just as matter-of-fact, said, “Papaw, did you know Jesus is real?”
”Well,” the Sheriff replied, a little startled. “Yes, Jesus is real to all who believe in him and love him in their hearts.”
”No,” said Mikey.
“I mean Jesus is REALLY real.”
”What do you mean?” asked the Sheriff.
“I know he’s real ’cause I saw him.” said Mikey, still casting into the trash can.
”You did?” said the Sheriff.
“Yep,” said Mikey.
“When that lady runned me over and broke my fishing pole, Jesus caught me in his arms and laid me down in the mud puddle.”
Humor – Something to Think About…
- There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
- When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog that barks all the time run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
- A penny saved is a government oversight.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.
- The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
- He who hesitates is probably right.
- The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
- Living on earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
- Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
- How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
- Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
- If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?
- Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
- If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
- You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
- Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
- Don’t cry because it’s over: smile because it happened.
- We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty. some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors…….but they all have to learn to live in the same box.
- Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler.
- A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
- Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
- Have an awesome day, and know that someone has thought about you today!
- Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
- I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
- If not for STRESS I’d have no energy at all.
- Whatever hits the fan will not necessarily be evenly distributed.
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
- You don’t stop laughing because you grow old. You grow old because you stop laughing.
- Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
- We cannot change the direction of the wind… but we can adjust our sails.
- Some days are a total waste of makeup.
- Do you believe in love at first sight… or should I walk by you again?
- If the shoe fits……buy it in every color.
Language Barrier
Back in the frontier days, a westbound wagon train was lost and low on food. No other humans had been seen for days, when finally they saw an “Old Jewish Man” sitting beneath a tree. The leader rushed to him and said,
”We’re lost and running out of food. Is there someplace ahead where we can get food?
”Vell,” the old Jew said, “I vouldn’t go up dat hill und down other side. Somevun told me you’ll run into a big bacon tree.”
”A bacon tree?” asked the wagon train leader.
”Yah, ah bacon tree. Trust me. For nuttin vud I lie.”
The leader goes back and tells his people that if nothing else, they might be able to find food on the other side of the next ridge.
“So why did he say not to go there?” some of the pioneers asked.
”Oh, you know those Jews — they don’t eat bacon.”
So the wagon train goes up the hill and down the other side. Suddenly, Indians attack and massacre everyone except the leader, who barely manages to escape back to the old Jew, who’s enjoying a “glassel tea.”
The near-dead man starts shouting, “You fool! You sent us to our deaths! We followed your instructions, but there was no bacon tree! There was hundreds of Indians, who killed everyone.”
The old Jew holds up his hand and says “Oy, vait a minute.” He then gets out an old English-Yiddish dictionary, and begins thumbing through it.
“Gevalt, I made myself ah big mistake. It vuz not a bacon tree.
It vuz a ham bush!”
TIGHT FIT
Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put his boots on?
He asked for help and she could see why. With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn’t want to go on. When the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat. She almost whimpered when the little boy said,
“Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.” She looked, and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on. She managed to keep her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on – this time on the right feet.
He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.” She bit her tongue rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to do. Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.
He then said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear them.” She didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. She than mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots onto his feet again.
She said, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said,
“I stuffed them in the toes of my boots…
MY NEW BOYFRIENDS!
I am seeing 5 gentlemen (give or take) every day!. As soon as I wake up, Will Power helps me get out of bed. Then I go to see John. Then Charlie Horse comes along, & when he’s here, he takes up a lot of my time & attention.
When he leaves, Arthur Ritis shows up & stays the rest of the day. He doesn’t like to stay in one place very long so he takes me from joint to joint.
After such a busy day, I’m really tired & very glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!
Oh, yes, I’m also flirting with Al Zymer;
or whatever his name is. I forget!
Now remember: Life is like a roll of toilet paper…..the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. So have fun, think ‘good thoughts’ only, learn to laugh at yourself, and ‘count your blessings
A Boy’s Best Friend
A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of a little boy.
“Mister,” he said, “I want to buy one of your puppies.”
“Well,” said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, “These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money.”
The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.
“I’ve got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?”
“Sure,” said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle.. “Here, Dolly!” he called.
Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur. The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up…
“I want that one,” the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy’s side and said, “Son, you don’t want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would..”
With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, “You see sir, I don’t run too well myself, and he will need someone
who understands.”
With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup. Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.
“How much?” asked the little boy… “No charge,”
answered the farmer, “There’s no charge for love.”
The world is full of people who need someone who understands.
Drinking From My Saucer
I’ve never made a fortune, and it’s probably too late now.
But I don’t worry bout that much, I’m happy anyhow.
As I go along life’s way, I’m reaping better than I sowed.
I’m drinking from my saucer, ‘Cause my cup has overflowed.
Haven’t got a lot of riches, and sometimes the going’s tough.
But I’ve got loving ones round me, and that makes me rich enough.
I thank God for his blessings, and the mercies He’s bestowed.
I’m drinking from my saucer, ’Cause my cup has overflowed.
I remember times when things went wrong, my faith wore somewhat thin. But all at once the dark clouds broke, and the sun peeped through again.
So Lord, help me not to gripe, about the tough rows I have hoed.
I’m drinking from my saucer, ’Cause my cup has overflowed.
If God gives me strength and courage, when the way grows steep and rough, I’ll not ask for other blessings, I’m already blessed enough.
And may I never be too busy, to help others bear their loads.
Then I’ll keep drinking from my saucer, “Cause my cup has overflowed.”
High Tech Senior Citizen
THREE WOMEN, TWO YOUNGER, AND ONE SENIOR CITIZEN, WERE SITTING IN A SAUNA.
SUDDENLY THERE WAS A BEEPING SOUND. THE YOUNG WOMAN PRESSED HER FOREARM AND THE BEEP STOPPED.
THE OTHERS LOOKED AT HER QUESTIONINGLY. “THAT WAS MY PAGER,” SHE SAID. “I HAVE A MICROCHIP UNDER THE SKIN OF MY ARM.”
A FEW MINUTES LATER, A PHONE RANG. THE SECOND YOUNG WOMAN LIFTED HER PALM TO HER EAR.
WHEN SHE FINISHED, SHE EXPLAINED, “THAT WAS MY MOBILE PHONE. I HAVE A MICROCHIP IN MY HAND.”
THE OLDER WOMAN FELT VERY LOW-TECH. NOT TO BE OUT DONE, SHE DECIDED SHE HAD TO DO SOMETHING JUST AS IMPRESSIVE. SHE STEPPED OUT OF THE SAUNA AND WENT TO THE BATHROOM.
SHE RETURNED WITH A PIECE OF TOILET PAPER HANGING FROM HER REAR END.
THE OTHERS RAISED THEIR EYEBROWS AND STARED AT HER.
THE OLDER WOMAN FINALLY SAID……….”WELL, WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT……I’M GETTING A FAX!!”
Final Wish
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death’s agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from his bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of his bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven: there, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it Heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged, withered and shaking hand made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. “Stay out of those”, she said, “they’re for the funeral.”
Jesus’ Food
My daughter, Anna, was almost three years old when one night at dinner she asked me if Jesus really did live in her heart.
Not wanting to go into the theology of salvation, I simply answered, “Yes.”
She responded with, “I don’t think He likes carrots.”
The Children ofIsrael
At theHenryStreetHebrewSchool, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
“Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s something I can’t figure out.”
“What’s that Joey?” asked Goldblatt.
“Well accordin’ to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed theRed Sea. Right?”
“Right.”
“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
“Er–right.”
“And the Children of Israel built theTemple, right?”
“Again, you’re right.”
“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doin’ somethin’ important. Right?”
“All that is right, too,” agreed Goldblatt. “So, what’s your question?”
“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Joey. “What were all the grown-ups doin’”?
The minister had a special filing drawer for his bills. It was labeled: “Due unto others.”
A WOMAN, CALLING A LOCAL HOSPITAL,
SAID, “HELLO, I’D LIKE TO TALK TO THE PERSON WHO GIVES THE INFORMATION REGARDING YOUR PATIENTS.
I’D LIKE TO FIND OUT IF THE PATIENT IS GETTING BETTER, DOING AS EXPECTED OR IS GETTING WORSE.”
THE VOICE ON THE OTHER END OF THE LINE SAID,
“WHAT IS THE PATIENTS NAME AND ROOM NUMBER?”
SHE SAID, “SARA FINKLE, IN ROOM 302.”
“I WILL CONNECT YOU WITH THE NURSING STATION.”
“3-A NURSING STATION. HOW CAN I HELP YOU?”
“I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW THE CONDITION OF SARA FINKLE IN ROOM 302.”
”JUST A MOMENT. LET ME LOOK AT HER RECORDS.
OH YES, MRS. FINKLE IS DOING VERY WELL. IN FACT SHE’S HAD TWO FULL MEALS,
HER BLOOD PRESSURE IS FINE
AND HER BLOOD WORK JUST CAME BACK AS NORMAL. SHE’S GOING TO BE TAKEN OFF THE HEART MONITOR IN A COUPLE OF HOURS AND IF SHE CONTINUES THIS IMPROVEMENT. DR. COHEN IS GOING TO SEND HER HOME TUESDAY AT TWELVE O’ CLOCK.”
THE WOMAN SAID,” THANK GOD!
THAT’S WONDERFUL”
OH! THAT’S FANTASTIC.
THAT’S WONDERFUL NEWS! “
THE NURSE SAID,” FROM YOUR ENTHUSIASM, I TAKE IT YOU MUST BE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER OR A VERY CLOSE FRIEND!”
“NOT EXACTLY, I AM SARAH FINKEL IN ROOM 302!
AND NOBODY HERE TELLS ME ANYTHING!”
Expectations
His name is Bill. He has wild hair, wears a T-shirt with holes in it, jeans and no shoes. This was literally his wardrobe for his entire four years of college. He is brilliant. Kind of esoteric and very, very bright.
He became a Christian while attending college. Across the street from the campus is a well-dressed, very conservative church They want to develop a ministry to the students, but are not sure how to go about it.
One day Bill decides to go there. He walks in with no shoes, jeans, his T-shirt, and wild hair. The service has already started and so Bill starts down the aisle looking for a seat. The church is completely packed and he can’t find a seat. By now people are looking a bit uncomfortable, but no one says anything. Bill gets closer and closer and closer to the pulpit and, when he realizes there are no seats, he
just squats down to sit, right on the carpet.
Although perfectly acceptable behavior at a college fellowship, this had never happened in this church before! By now the people are really uptight, and the tension in the air is thick. About this time, the minister realizes that from the back of the church, a deacon is slowly making his way toward Bill. This deacon is in his eighties, has
silver-gray hair, and a three-piece suit. A godly man, very elegant, very dignified, very courtly. He walks with a cane and, as he starts walking toward this boy, everyone is saying to themselves that you can’t blame him for what he’s going to do. How can you expect a man of his age and of his background to understand some college kid on the
floor?
It takes a long time for the man to reach the boy. The church is utterly silent except for the clicking of the man’s cane. All eyes are focused on him. You can’t even hear anyone breathing. The minister can’t even preach the sermon until the deacon does what he has to do. And now they see this elderly man drop his cane on the floor. With
great difficulty he lowers himself and sits down next to Bill, to worship with him so he won’t be alone. Everyone chokes up with emotion. When the minister gains control, he says, “What I’m about to preach, you might never remember. What you have just seen, you will never forget. Be careful how you live. You may be the only Bible some people
will ever read.”
Time and Friends………….
Imagine there is a bank that credits your account each morning with $86,400. It carries over no balance from day to day.
Every evening deletes whatever part of the balance you failed to use during the day.
What would you do? Draw out ALL OF IT, of course!!
Each of us has such a bank. Its name is TIME.
Every morning, it credits you with 86,400 seconds.
Every night it writes off, as lost, whatever of this you have failed to invest to good purpose. It carries over no balance. It allows no overdraft.
Each day it opens a new account for you.
Each night it burns the remains of the day.
If you fail to use the day’s deposits, the loss is yours.
There is no going back. There is no drawing against the “tomorrow.”
You must live in the present on today’s deposits. Invest it so as to get from it the utmost in health, happiness, and success!
The clock is running. Make the most of today.
To realize the value of ONE YEAR, ask a student who failed a grade.
To realize the value of ONE MONTH, ask a mother who gave birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of ONE WEEK, ask the editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of ONE HOUR, ask the lovers who are waiting to meet.
To realize the value of ONE MINUTE, ask a person who missed the train.
To realize the value of ONE SECOND, ask a person who just avoided an accident.
To realize the value of ONE MILLISECOND, ask the person who won a silver medal in the Olympics.
Treasure every moment that you have! And treasure it more because you shared it with someone special, special enough to spend your time.
And remember that time waits for no one.
Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.
Today is a gift. That’s why it’s called the present!!!
One Hug
Being a nursing aid in a home for the elderly, one never seemed to be
amazed at anything. This cool September morning the minister’s wife
and her daughter came to the home to visit the residents. The
residents always looked forward to the minister’s wife visit but this
was special, she was bringing her daughter.
Sitting in a corner of the living area was an elderly lady named
Grace. Grace was so unhappy and it seemed that nothing could comfort
her. Her families had brought her here over a year ago and have
visited only once. Many families did that but some of the residents
could deal with it while Grace could not.
Grace’s chin was on her chest and her white hair fell forward covering
her face where silent tears rolled unto pale cheeks.
The young girl looked over at her and walked over to the darkened
corner. She kneeled down and looked into moist blue eyes. A wide smile
crossed her face as she said, “Hello, I am Beth, what is your name?”
Grace lifted her head and looked at the beautiful young girl who stood
in front of her. She wiped the moisture from her cheek and whispered.
“I am Grace, my dear it is so nice to meet you.” A soft smile appeared
on her face as she looked into the excited green eyes of the young
lady standing before her.
Beth leaned over and gave Grace a big hug.
We all stood there with mouths wide open. Beth hugged Grace, and Grace
hugged her back. In the whole year of her being in the home no one
could ever remember her smiling let alone give a hug. Wow! The aids
were amazed and even tears fell freely. That one act of kindness from
a young girl who was only 8, made a big difference in another’s life. Beth visited with her mother often and always went straight to Grace
for her hug. They would visit and smile and laugh, they became such
wonderful friends.
Over four years passed and Beth was always there for her visit with
Grace. The one day she came Grace was not in her corner. She skipped
down to her room thinking she was resting. The room was dark and
empty.
The head nurse seen her and walked slowly towards her.
“Beth, I so wanted to catch you before you came and I did call but you
had already left. Honey, Grace passed away late last night”
Beth looked at the nurse and said, “Oh my, Grace told me that she
would soon be with her Lord. She has gone home to be with Jesus. She
was so looking forward to that. Told me she would miss me but for me
not to worry for she would be so very happy.”
A tear ran down Beth’s cheek, as she added, “I shall so miss her. I
did so love her.”
The nurse watched Beth as she walked away. She wondered if that young
lady had any idea of just how many lives she had touched with one hug.
Beth walked slowly she was filled with so many emotions. Yes, she
would so miss her Grace but she was so happy that Grace was home with
Jesus.
Grace’s family made the arrangements for the funeral but Beth was not
told where or when. This broke her heart. Still every week she would
go to the nursing home and chat and hug the beautiful people there.
Years later, Beth was in charge of a large nursing home in the state
of Ohio. She loved her work and she insisted that anyone working there
would treat the residents with respect and dignity. Beth always told
those who asked that she is working in the nursing home because of a
wonderful precious lady named Grace. Grace had shown her how important all people are.
Today was a special day for Beth and the residents, Beth was bringing
her daughter Grace to work with her. Everyone was looking forward to
that.
Title Rights
New Orleanslawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the Lawyer three months to track down.
After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply (actual letter):
“Upon review of your letter adjoining your client’s loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin.”
Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter):
“Your letter regarding title in Case No. 189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased, by the U.S., from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application.
For the edification of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus’ expedition.
Now the Pope, as I’m sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back, to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it AND the FHA. I hope you at the FHA find God’s original claim to be satisfactory.
Now, may we have our loan?”
The loan was approved.
Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until someone noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot came on the PA and announced “I’m sorry to inform you that one of our engines has failed, but don’t worry we still have three more. This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time. Just to re-assure you, I’d also like you to know that nothing will happen to this plane as we have four ministers of religion on board.” Someone at the back of the plane piped up “I’d feel happier if we had four engines and three ministers!”
It is easy to tell when your children are growing up. They stop asking where they came from and start refusing to tell you where they are going.
Our pastor, an avid golfer, was once taking part in a local tournament. As he was preparing to tee off, the organizer of the tournament approached him and pointed to the dark, threatening storm clouds which were gathering.
“Preacher,” the organizer said, “I trust you’ll see to it that the weather won’t turn bad on us.”
Our pastor shook his head. “Sorry,” he replied. “I’m sales, not management!”
ANOTHER WAY TO PRAY (as told by a preacher years ago)
An old gentleman was strolling through the park one beautiful day when he came upon child sitting on a bench, busily saying his ABC’s. The old man waited until the child was through, then said, “I see you’re practicing your alphabet.”
“No,” replied the child. “I was praying. You see, I don’t know how to pray very well so I just give God the letters and he puts them into the right words!”
At our seminary one of the students called Samuel, who had a Pentecostal
background, loved to get up at three a.m. to practice Psalm 5:3 “My voice
shalt thou hear in the morning, O LORD; in the morning will I direct my
prayer unto thee, and will look up.”
And as a good Pentecostal, he prayed out loud, so no one of us
not-so-faithful ones could get asleep.
Once some of the guys laid a twelve inches PVC pipe over the ceiling, until
it reached Samuel’s bedroom. Right when he started praying, the guy said
through the pipe causing an echo: “Samuel, Samuel .”.
Samuel felt on his knees and in a triumphant voice shouted: “Speak; for thy
servant heareth”. And their came the reply “Samuel, Go, lie down, and let my
other servants get some sleep”.
A 4 year old boy was nosily squirming all through the church service. His father tried several times to quiet him, but to no avail. Just as I was asking for prayer requests, the boy let out a loud yell. His father, obviously at the end of his rope, picked up the boy, tossed him over his shoulder and headed out of the sanctuary. When he was nearly out the door, I continued asking if there were any more requests when this little voice yelled desperately from across the threshold, “Oh, please pray for me!”
Our minister’s little boy noticed that his dad always knelt and prayed during the hymn right before his sermon. When the boy asked his mom why dad did that, she said “He is asking God to help him”. The boy replied “So, why doesn’t God help him?”
When I was in second grade, I decided to write the Lord’s Prayer to post on my bedroom wall (and impress my mother). I didn’t understand her uproarious laughter at my attempts until years later when I ran across the faded page with the child’s writing….. “and lead a snot into temptation”…..
I saw a man leaving the hospital the other day. His clothing and the bag he carried made me think he had been working out at the hospital’s fitness center. He was wearing a black tee shirt with the following message on his back:
The older I get the better I was.
My daughter invited her new pastor and his family over for dinner. As the meal was being finished, the pastor remarked how much he enjoyed the meal. The pastor’s young daughter said, “I’m sure glad it wasn’t dog poop!”. Her parents were embarrassed and then began to laugh. The pastor’s wife had told the child before coming to my daughter’s house that she was to eat whatever was being served, no matter what – even if it was dog poop.
One Sunday evening while my husband was away, I was sitting in church with my two boys, ages two and four. I didn’t expect that they would listen to very much, I was just content that they were quiet. When the Scripture in Matt. 5:22 “anyone who hates his brother will be guilty of murder” was read, I heard the small worried voice of my four year old say “Uh-oh”
A guest minister, short of stature and barely visible behind the lectern, stood up after the Hymn of Meditation and declared…”Friends…My text for this morning is’ Be not afraid, for it is I !” Several of the morning worshippers laughed heartily.
Determined to remedy the situation, the preacher made a platform of hymn books behind the lectern for the evening service. After the evening Hymn of Meditation the preacher stood on his platform…vestments fully visible…”Friends…my text for this evening is…Yet a little while and you see me no longer!” Just then the platform collapsed and down went the preacher.
My 8 year old son asked me if I knew what a rainbow was. So I gave him the scientific answer and he told me no, that a rainbow was God standing on his head and smiling after eating skittles candy.
Not all children know how to behave mannerly at church. Especially those who ride the church van and come to Sunday school. Many of them race from the church van and run down the hall ways, occasionally bumping into older members. This behavior had become such a problem that the deacons decided to patrol the hallways during the time of the children’s arrival. The deacons of this church decided to escort these little ones to their classrooms. Announcements were made and letters sent home, telling the children to wait on a deacon to help “walk” to their classrooms. Well, the following Sunday, little Bobby rode the church van and got excited when he arrived at the church parking lot. He raced from the van toward the church house. A deacon spotted him and the “chase was on.”
Down the corridor of the education building he charged, bumping into stately members. He sighted the deacon who was closing in on him fast and became frightened and ducked into my office–I’m the pastor. Not knowing why he was breathless and frightened, I asked, “What’s the matter?” He replied, “Hide me preacher, there’s a ‘demon’ after me!”
The first prayer I ever learned was “God is great, God is good, let us thank him for this food”. Unfortunately, I has also just learned the patty-cake poem. Picture it, quiet Sunday dinner. The family asks the youngest child to say grace. She is nervous–but manages to pray “God is great, God is good, roll him roll him throw him in the pan”. Oops!
One day a Pastor went to visit one of his church members homes. As he arrived, the mother of the house saw who it was and, because she had no food to offer him, told her children to tell the pastor that she has gone out, as she hid under the bed. When the children opened the door, the pastor walked in and asked if the mother or father of the house was in. From where he was standing he could see the legs of the mother sticking out from underneath the bed. Meanwhile the children were telling him that the mother of the house had gone to the shops to buy food. The pastor then said in a loud voice “Before I go I would like to pray for the mother of the house, for she has gone to the shops and left her legs behind!”
One communion Sunday, my communion steward prepared communion elements in her usual manner. Or at least I thought it was in her usual style. When it came time to uncover the elements, the grape juice looked darker than usual. I thought nothing of it and began to serve the communion. Promptly upon receiving the cup, each recipient’s face had a peculiar, stunned look. When it came time for me to receive I discovered why the strange looks…the juice was prune juice! One parishoner stated, “Perhaps this is a divine commentary on our spirituality…we need a little loosening up!”
A 5 year old boy staying with his grandmother wanted to show his love for her. He decided to bring her morning coffee. Although it was lukewarm and had coffee grounds floating on top, she sipped it appreciating his gesture.Then she noticed 3 small green army men in the bottom of the cup. When she asked why they were there the boy replied,”but grandma don’t you know the best part of waking up is “soldiers” in your cup?”
When I was a child of about 4 or 5, my dad was called to be the guest speaker at a church one Sunday morning. By way of bribery my parents had told me before arriving at the church that if I were a good boy they would take me to McDonalds after the service. During my Dads rather firey sermon on the destination of the good vs. the evil he asked, in a rather loud voice, “And where do you think those that live a pure, just and good life before the Lord are going to go”? With all the fervency of the old time ameners, I stood in my seat and cried out “TO MCDONALDS”!!!
This should probably be tape
The cheerful little girl with bouncy golden curls was almost five. Waiting with her mother at the checkout stand, she saw them, a circle of glistening pearls in a pink foil box..
“Oh mommy please, Mommy. Can I have them? Please, Mommy, please?”
Quickly the mother checked the back of the little foil box and then looked back into the pleading blue eyes of her little girl’s upturned face.
“A dollar ninety-five. That’s almost $2.00. If you really want them, I’ll think of some extra chores for you and in no time you can save enough money to buy them for yourself.. Your birthday’s only a week away and you might get another crisp dollar bill from Grandma.”
As soon as Jenny got home, she emptied her penny bank and counted out 17 pennies. After dinner, she did more than her share of chores and she went to the neighbor and asked Mrs. McJames if she could pick dandelions for ten cents. On her birthday, Grandma did give her another new dollar bill and at last she had enough to buy the Necklace.
Jenny loved her pearls. They made her feel dressed up and grown up. She wore them everywhere, Sunday school, kindergarten, even to bed. The only time she took them off was when she went swimming or had a bubble bath. Mother said if they got wet, they might turn her neck green.
Jenny had a very loving daddy and every night when she was ready for bed, he would stop whatever he was doing and come upstairs to read her a story. One night as he finished the story, he asked Jenny, “Do you love me?”
“Oh yes, daddy. You know that I love you.”
“Then give me your pearls.”
“Oh, daddy, not my pearls. But you can have Princess, the white horse from my collection, the one with the pink tail. Remember, daddy? The one you gave me. She’s my very favorite.”
“That’s okay, Honey, daddy loves you. Good night.” And he brushed her cheek with a kiss.
About a week later, after the story time, Jenny’s daddy asked again, “Do you love me?”
“Daddy, you know I love you..”
“Then give me your pearls.”
“Oh Daddy, not my pearls. But you can have my baby doll. The brand new one I got for my birthday. She is beautiful and you can have the yellow blanket that matches her sleeper.”
“That’s okay. Sleep well. God bless you, little one.. Daddy loves you.”
And as always, he brushed her cheek with a gentle kiss.
A few nights later when her daddy came in, Jenny was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed Indian style.
As he came close, he noticed her chin was trembling and one silent tear rolled down her cheek.
“What is it, Jenny? What’s the matter?”
Jenny didn’t say anything but lifted her little hand up to her daddy. And when she opened it, there was her little pearl necklace. With a little quiver, she finally said, “Here daddy, this is for you.”
With tears gathering in his own eyes, Jenny’s daddy reached out with one hand to take the dime store necklace, and with the other hand he reached into his pocket and pulled out a blue velvet case with a strand of genuine pearls and gave them to Jenny …..
He had them all the time. He was just waiting for her to give up the dime-store stuff so he could give her the genuine treasure. So it is, with our Heavenly Father. He is waiting for us to give up the cheap things in our lives so that he can give us beautiful treasures.
A Sunday School teacher asked little Willie who the first man in the Bible was.
“Hoss.” said Willie.
“Wrong,” said the teacher. “It was Adam.”
“Aw, shucks!” Willie replied. “I knew it was one of those Cartwrights.”
On Christmas afternoon, the Pastor’s wife dropped into an easy chair saying, “Boy! Am I ever tried.”
Her husband (the Pastor) looked over at her & said, “I had to conduct two special services last night, three today, & give a total of five sermons. Why are you so tired?”
“Dearest,” she replied, “I had to listen to all of them.”
In order to measure your level of proficiency as a choir member, the following test has been carefully developed by experts. Read and reflect on each situation and then select the option that will enhance the quality of the performance.
1. You are entering the choir loft on Sunday morning and suddenly trip and fall down. You should:
a. Assume a kneeling position and break into fervent prayer.
b. Pretend that you’ve had a heart attack.
c. Crawl into the nearest chair.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.
2. You are a soprano and count incorrectly. As a result you boom out a high “C” one measure too soon. You should:
a. Slide into an inspired “O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing.”
b. Look triumphant and hold on to the note.
c. Stop abruptly in mid squawk but keep your lips moving.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.
3. After all those long hard choir rehearsals, you show up twenty minutes late for the Christmas musical. You should:
a. Climb into the back row of the choir from the baptistery.
b. Enter pretending to be a soundman checking cables and thensuddenly slip yourself into the choir.
c. Turn the lights out in the church and slip into the choir during the blackout.
d. Read M. Stephen’s pamphlet “Techniques for Tardy Appearances.”
4. While singing, you discover you have only one page of a two page hymn. You should:
a. Hum for your life.
b. Sing “watermelon, watermelon, watermelon.”
c. Try to get another hymnal out of the choir rack with your feet.
d. Sing the first page over again.
5. Inevitably that dreaded big sneeze occurs toward the end of the choir special. You should:
a. As you sneeze, come down hard on your neighbor’s foot to create a diversion.
b. Try to make it harmonize.
c. Sneeze into the hair of the choir member in front of you to muffle the noise.
d. Sink to the floor in shame.
Count the number of A’s, B’s, C’s, and D’s you checked and find your proficiency rating below:
4 or more A’s…there is nothing more you need to know to be a first rate choir member.
4 or more B’s…your church choir reflexes are fully developed and you should do well in choir.
4 or more C’s…your church choral experience is spotty but your team spirit is on target. You will be an asset to most any choir.
4 or more D’s…it is recommended you take soccer or group therapy counseling.
A father was at the beach with his children when his four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore, where a seagull lay dead in the sand. “Daddy, what happened to him?” the son asked. “He died and went to Heaven,” the dad replied. The boy thought a moment and then said, “Did God throw him back down?”
Aboard an airplane one day, everything was going fine until someone noticed smoke coming out of one of the engines. The pilot came on the PA and announced “I’m sorry to inform you that one of our engines has failed, but don’t worry we still have three more. This will just mean a slight delay in our scheduled arrival time. Just to re-assure you, I’d also like you to know that nothing will happen to this plane as we have four ministers of religion on board.” Someone at the back of the plane piped up “I’d feel happier if we had four engines and three ministers!”
My daughter invited her new pastor and his family over for dinner. As the meal was being finished, the pastor remarked how much he enjoyed the meal. The pastor’s young daughter said, “I’m sure glad it wasn’t dog poop!”. Her parents were embarrassed and then began to laugh. The pastor’s wife had told the child before coming to my daughter’s house that she was to eat whatever was being served, no matter what – even if it was dog poop.
‘THINGS MAMA TAUGHT ME’
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……’LOGIC’
“If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……MEDICINE
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……TO THINK AHEAD
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you are never going to get a good job.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……ESP
“Put your sweater on, Don’t you think I know when your cold?”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……TO MEET A CHALLENGE
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you. Don’t talk back to me.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……HUMOR
“When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME……HOW TO BE AN ADULT
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……SEX
“How do you think you got here?”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……GENETICS
“You are just like your father.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT MY……ROOTS
“Do you think you were born in a barn?
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……THE WISDOM OF AGE
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……ANTICIPATION
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME ABOUT……RECEIVING
“You are going to get it when we get home.”
AND MY ALL TIME FAVORITE THING……JUSTICE
“One day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU…..then you’ll see what it’s like.”
A Proper Baptism “True Story”
I had not been preaching long at a rather “staid and proper” congregation when a fellow I did not recognize came forward at the invitation. Upon questioning, I found that Earnest Ray was from “up in the hills” and he had come to church that morning to be baptized. Not only that, but he brought all of his friends and relatives with him. He said he wanted his relative to baptize him.
Not knowing the protocol of the new congregation, I let them get ready for the baptism while I waited with the rest of the church. All the while, I kept wondering, “Should I step back there and give his relative a couple of ‘pointers’ regarding the baptism?”
I should have gone back there.
When it came time for Earnest Ray to be baptized, his cousin said, “I now baptize you in the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit”, and proceeded to dunk him under the water. The problem was, Earnest Ray panicked and grabbed hold of the edge of the baptistry.
The relative wasn’t about to just baptize part of Earnest Ray. He held him under water and kept yelling “Turn Loose Earnest Ray! Turn Loose! It ain’t gonna do you no good unless you turn Loose!” This went on until Earnest Ray passed out long enough to turn loose.
Needless to say, the congregation was no longer staid and proper. People were rolling in the aisles.
THE OLD PATHS
I liked the old paths, when
Moms were at home.
Dads were at work.
Brothers went into the army..
And sisters got married BEFORE having children!
Crime did not pay;
Hard work did;
And people knew the difference.
Moms could cook;
Dads would work;
Children would behave.
Husbands were loving;
Wives were supportive;
And children were polite.
Women wore the jewelry;
And Men wore the pants.
Women looked like ladies;
Men looked like gentlemen;
And children looked decent.
People loved the truth,
And hated a lie;
They came to church to get IN,
Not to get OUT!
Hymns sounded Godly;
Sermons sounded helpful;
Rejoicing sounded normal;
And crying sounded sincere.
Cursing was wicked;
Drugs were for illness;
And divorce was unthinkable.
The flag was honored;
America was beautiful;
And God was welcome!
We read the Bible in public;
Prayed in school;
And preached from house to house
To be called an American was worth dying for;
To be called a Christian was worth living for;
To be called a traitor was a shame!
Preachers preached because they had a message;
And Christians rejoiced because they had the VICTORY!
Preachers preached from the Bible;
Singers sang from the heart;
And sinners turned to the Lord to be SAVED!
A new birth meant a new life;
Salvation meant a changed life;
Following Christ led to eternal life.
Being a preacher meant you proclaimed the word of God;
Being a deacon meant you would serve the Lord;
Being a Christian meant you would live for Jesus;
And being a sinner meant someone was praying for you!
Laws were based on the Bible;
Homes read the Bible;
And churches taught the Bible.
God was worshiped;
Christ was exalted;
And the Holy Spirit was respected..
Church was where you found Christians
On the Lord’s day, rather than in the garden,
On the creek bank, on the golf course,
Or being entertained somewhere else.
I still like the old paths the best!
‘The Old Paths’ was written by a retired minister who lives
InTennessee
SCHOOL PRAYER
A heavy snowstorm closed the schools in one town. When the children returned to school a few days later, one grade school teacher, Miss Merc, asked her students whether they had used the time away from school constructively.
“I sure did, Miss Merc,” one little girl replied. “I PRAYED FOR MORE SNOW.”
PRAY
One Sunday in a Midwest city, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew but were losing the battle.
Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out of the church. Just before reaching the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation: “Pray for me! Pray for me!”
BIBLE QUESTION
A ten-year old girl, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then one day she floored her grandmother by asking:
“Which Virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James ‘Virgin’?”
TEACHER LEARNS
My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.
One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to acquire building materials for his home. She said, “And so the pig went up to the man with a wheelbarrow full of straw and said, “Pardon me sir, but might I have some of that straw with which to build my house?” Then the teacher asked the class, “And what do you think that man said?”
My friend’s son raised his hand and said, “I know! I know! He said: “Holy smokes! A talking pig!”
Note: The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
HONESTY PAYS
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”
Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”
ALL MEN / ALL GIRLS?
When my daughter Kelli was 3, she and my son Cody would say their nightly prayers together.
As most children do, we have to bless every family member, every friend, and every animal current and past.
For several weeks after we had finished the nightly prayer, Kelli would say: “And all girls”.
As this soon became part of her nightly routine to include this at the end, my curiosity got the best of me and I asked her, “Kelli, why do you always add the part about all girls?”.
Her response: “Because we always finish our prayers by saying ‘All Men’ !“
CHURCH FOOTBALL PHRASES
In a never-ending effort to attract the unchurched, some churches have considered translating their unfamiliar terminology into familiar football phrases.
BLITZ-The strategic play that takes place two seconds after closing prayer as everyone rushes for their favorite restaurant.
BLOCKING-Talking endlessly to the pastor at the church door and keeping everyone else from exiting.
ASSISTANT COACH-Every mother who has a kid in the children’s Christmas program.
DRAFT CHOICE-The decision to sit close to an air conditioning vent.
DRAW PLAY-What many children (and not a few adults) do with their bulletins during the service.
EXTRA POINT-What you receive when you tell the preacher his sermon was too short.
FIRST QUARTER-What most people put into the Sunday school offering so it looks like they are giving.
FOURTH QUARTER-The amount that makes up the dollar most people put into the Sunday school offering when under peer pressure to give more.
HALFTIME-The period between Sunday school and worship when many choose to leave.
HOLDING-Passing on the offering place without putting in a cent.
ILLEGAL MOTION-Leaving before the benediction.
INTERFERENCE-Talking during the organ prelude.
PASS INTERFERENCE-A parent moving between two teens in the pew to halt the flow of notes back and forth during the sermon.
QUARTERBACK SNEAK-How the pastor gets from the pulpit to the rear door during the benediction.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING-The point at which you realize the sermon is almost over and begin to gather up your children and belongings.
BENCHWARMER – Those who do not sing, pray, work, or do anything but sit.
BACKFIELD-IN-MOTION – Making a trip to the back (restroom or water fountain) during the service.
STAYING IN THE POCKET – What happens to a lot of money that should be given to the Lord’s work.
TRAP – You’re called on to pray and are asleep.
END RUN – Getting out of church quick, without speaking to any guest or fellow member.
HALFBACK OPTION – The decision of 50% of the congregation not to return for the evening service.
INSTANT REPLAY – The preacher loses his notes and falls back on last week’s illustrations.
GOD BLESS THE CHILDREN
A little child in church watched as the ushers passed the offering plate. When they neared the pew where he sat, the youngster piped up so that everyone could hear. ‘Don’t pay for me Daddy. I’m under five.’
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service. ‘And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.’
A mother was teaching her three-year-old The Lord’s Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, the child repeated it after the mother. Then one night the child was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride to the carefully enunciated words, right up to the end. ‘And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail’.
After the christening of his baby brother in church, little Johnny sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car. His father asked him three times what was wrong. Finally, the boy replied, ‘That priest said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I want to stay with you guys!’
Where’s Mary
The ninety-five year old woman at the nursing home received a visit from one of her fellow church members. ‘How are you feeling Mary?’ the visitor asked. ‘Oh,’ said the lady, ‘I’m just worried sick!’ ‘What are you worried about, dear?’ her friend asked. ‘You look like you’re in good health. They are taking care of you, aren’t they?’ ‘Yes, they are taking very good care of me.’ ‘Are you in any pain?’ she asked. ‘No, I have never had a pain in my life.’ ‘Well, what are you worried about?’ her friend asked again. The lady leaned back in her rocking chair and slowly explained her major worry. ‘Every close friend I ever had has already died and gone on to heaven. I’m afraid they’re all wondering where I went.’
THREE DADS
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.
The first boy says, ‘My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.’
The second boy says, ‘That’s nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.’
The third boy says, ‘I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people with baskets to collect all the money!’
The Rain
It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80′s arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound.
On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound. While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her health. He told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s Disease.
As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late. He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are?’
He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is.’
She had been shopping with her Mom in Wal-Mart. She must have been 6 years old, this beautiful red haired, freckle faced image of innocence.It was pouring outside. The kind of rain that gushes over the top of rain gutters, so much in a hurry to hit the earth it has no time to flow down the spout. We all stood there under the awning and just inside the door of the Wal-Mart. We waited, some patiently, others irritated because nature messed up their hurried day. I am always mesmerized by rainfall. I got lost in the sound and sight of the heavens washing away the dirt and dust of the world.Memories of running, splashing so carefree as a child come pouring in as a welcome reprieve from the worries of my day.
Her voice was so sweet as it broke the hypnotic trance we were all caught in.
“Mom, let’s run through the rain,”she said.
“What?” Mom asked.
“Let’s run through the rain!” She repeated.
“No, honey. We’ll wait until it slows down a bit,”Mom replied.
This young child waited about another minute and repeated: “Mom, let’s run through the rain.”
“We’ll get soaked if we do,” Mom said.
“No, we won’t, Mom. That’s not what you said this morning,” the young girl said as she tugged at her Mom’s arm.
“This morning? When did I say we could run through the rain and not get wet?”
“Don’t you remember? When you were talking to Daddy about his cancer, you said, ‘If God can get us through this, he can get us through anything!”
The entire crowd stopped dead silent. I swear you couldn’t hear anything but the rain. We all stood silently. No one came or left in the next few minutes. Mom paused and thought for a moment about what she would say. Now some would laugh it off and scold her for being silly. Some might even ignore what was said. But this was a moment of affirmation in a young child’s life. A time when innocent trust can be nurtured so that it will bloom into faith.
“Honey, you are absolutely right. Let’s run through the rain. If GOD let’s us get wet, well maybe we just needed washing,” Mom said. Then off they ran.
We all stood watching, smiling and laughing as they darted past the cars and yes, through the puddles. They held their shopping bags over their heads just in case. They got soaked. But they were followed by a few who screamed and laughed like children all the way to their cars.
And yes, I did. I ran. I got wet. I needed washing.
Children and Sharing Grand Parent Stories
1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she’d done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, “But Grandma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!” I will probably never put lipstick on again without thinking about kissing the toilet paper good-bye….
2. My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday. He asked me how old I was, and I told him, 62. My grandson was quiet for a moment, and then he asked, “Did you start at 1?”
3. After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say with a trembling voice,
“Who was THAT?”
4. A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own childhood was like. “We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods.” The little girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, “I sure wish I’d gotten to know you sooner!”
5. My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, “Grandma, do you know how you and God are alike?” I mentally polished my halo and I said, “No, how are we alike?” “You’re both old,” he replied.
6. A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather’s word processor. She told him she was writing a story. ”What’s it about?” he asked. ”I don’t know,” she replied. “I can’t read.”
7. I didn’t know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color it
was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for me, so I continued. At last, she headed for the door, saying, “Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these colors yourself!”
8. When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky insects.
Still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did, Billy whispered, “It’s no use Grandpa. Now the mosquitoes are coming after us with flashlights.”
9. When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, “I’m not sure.” “Look in your underwear, Grandpa,” he advised “Mine says I’m 4 to 6.”
10. A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.” The grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting.” she said. “How do you make babies?”
“It’s simple,” replied the girl. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
11. Children’s Logic: “Give me a sentence about a public servant,” said a teacher. The small boy wrote: “The fireman came down the ladder pregnant.” The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. “Don’t you know what pregnant means?” she asked. “Sure,” said the young boy confidently. ‘It means carrying a child.”
12. A grandfather was delivering his grandchildren to their home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started discussing the dog’s duties. “They use him to keep crowds back,” said one child. “No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.” A third child brought the argument to a close.”They use the dogs,” she said firmly, “to find the fire hydrants.”
13. A 6-year-old was asked where his grandma lived. “Oh,” he said, “she lives at the airport, and when we want her, we just go get her. Then, when we’re done having her visit, we take her back to the airport.”
14. Grandpa is the smartest man on earth! He teaches me good things, but I don’t get to see him enough to get as smart as him!
A SHOT IN THE BELT
- · It was just a few days until Christmas arrived. I was excited and happy. My boyfriend was visiting for the holidays fromMassachusetts. I was sure he had brought an engagement ring, for we were in love and hoping for a future together. Everything was perfect. Mother had the house beautifully decorated, the homemade goodies were almost finished, there were many gaily wrapped packages under the big sparkling tree in the living room alcove, and the our home smelled of pine, sugar cookies and mincemeat.
I was in my room dressing when I heard my mother bringing my boyfriend upstairs and going into her bedroom. Curious I went after them, but mother shooed me away saying she wanted to show him my Christmas gift. She shut the door and I hung around outside waiting until they were through. I heard her open her closet door, and their whispering. Suddenly I heard a gunshot and my mother screaming.
I hurried to the door, but as soon as I touched the knob, Mother screamed, “Don’t come in, Margie! Don’t come in”!
I knew then that she had shot my one and only love, but ever the obedient daughter I remained on the other side of the closed door for a moment, and then burst into the room. There stood my boyfriend white as a chalkboard, but alive. On mother’s bed lay a lovely white and red plaid wool dress, with a black patent leather belt off to one side. The belt had a large hole where a hole wasn’t supposed to be, and as I was to learn later a similar hole was in the spread, blanket, sheets and mattress
My mother started to laugh hysterically, as my boyfriend explained what had happened. When she went to get my dress off the closet shelf, she saw my father’s antique pistol, and asked him if had ever seen it. When he said that he hadn’t, she took the fancy little box down, opened it, and took the gun out. She evidently had it pointed at him, because he said, “Be careful, it’s loaded.”
Whereupon my mother said, “Oh no, Harry would never have a loaded gun in the house!”, and pulled the trigger to prove her point. The bullet went between his arm and his chest, through my Christmas belt, and into the bed.
There we stood, three much shaken people, aware that God had prevented a terrible accident from happening. Mother had tried to keep me from coming into the room, because she didn’t want me to see my gift, not because she had killed my boyfriend. By now she was indignant and mad at my father. It was not her nature to be at fault in any situation. Her last words after she retreated back downstairs were, “We’ll just see about this.”
Dad’s side of the story was that he had seen a “peeping Tom” looking into my sister’s and my room, and had the gun loaded to scare him off. He was very crestfallen to hear our story and apologized that he had put his family in jeopardy.
The next morning after everyone was at breakfast; I crept into my parent’s room and looked for the gun. Upon opening the box I found the gun broken down and no ammunition in sight. Never underestimate the power of an angry woman.
Heaven
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. She asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?” “NO!” the children answered. “If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, the answer was, “NO!” By now the teacher was starting to smile – this was fun! “Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?” Again, they all answered, “NO!” Bursting with pride for them, the teacher continued: “So, how can I get into Heaven?” Five-year-old Sean shouted out, “YOU HAVE TO BE DEAD.”
Puppy Size
“We’ve been back to this animal shelter at least five times. It has been weeks now since we started all of this,” the mother told the volunteer.
‘What is it she keeps asking for?’ the volunteer asked.
‘Puppy size!’ replied the mother
‘Well, we have plenty of puppies, if that’s what she’s looking for..’ ‘I know….. We have seen most of them, ‘ the mom said in frustration…
Just then Danielle came walking into the office
‘Well, did you find one?’ asked her mom.
‘No, not this time,’ Danielle said with sadness in her voice. ‘Can we come back on the weekend?’
The two women looked at each other, shook their heads and laughed.
‘You never know when we will get more dogs.. Unfortunately, there’s always a supply,’ the volunteer said.
Danielle took her mother by the hand and headed to the door. ‘Don’t worry, I’ll find one this weekend,’ she said.
Over the next few days both Mom and Dad had long conversations with her. They both felt she was being too particular. ‘It’s this weekend or we’re not looking any more,’ Dad finally said in frustration.
‘We don’t want to hear anything more about puppy size, either,’ Mom added.
Sure enough, they were the first ones in the shelter on Saturday morning . By now Danielle knew her way around, so she ran right for the section that housed the smaller dogs.
Tired of the routine, mom sat in the small waiting room at the end of the first row of cages. There was an observation window so you could see the animals during times when Visitors weren’t permitted.
Danielle walked slowly from cage to cage, kneeling periodically to take a closer look.. One by one the dogs were brought out and she held each one.
One by one she said, ‘Sorry, but you’re not the one.’
It was the last cage on this last day in search of the perfect pup. The volunteer opened the cage door and the child carefully picked up the dog and held it closely. This time she took a little longer.
‘Mom, that’s it! I found the right puppy! He’s the one! I know it!’ She screamed with joy. ‘It’s the puppy size!’
‘But it’s the same size as all the other puppies you held over the last few weeks,’ Mom said.
‘No not size… The sighs. When I held him in my arms, he sighed,’ she said.
‘Don’t you remember? When I asked you one day what love is, you told me love depends on the sighs of your heart. The more you love, the bigger the sigh!’
The two women looked at each other for a moment. Mom didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. As she stooped down to hug the child, she did a little of both.
‘Mom, every time you hold me, I sigh. When you and Daddy come home from work and hug each other, you both sigh. I knew I would find the right puppy if it sighed when I held it in my arms,’ she said. Then, holding the puppy up close to her face, she said, ‘Mom, he loves me. I heard the sighs of his heart!’
Close your eyes for a moment and think about the love that
Makes you sigh. I not only find it in the arms of my loved ones, but in the caress of a sunset, the kiss of the moonlight and the gentle brush of cool air on a hot day.
They are the sighs of God. Take the time to stop and listen; you will be surprised at what you hear. ‘Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take Our breath away.’
I hope your life is filled with Sighs!!
When I first met Christ
It seemed as though life was rather like a bike ride,
But it was a tandem bike,
And I noticed that Christ
Was in the back helping me pedal.
I don’t know just when it was that
He suggested we change places,
But life has not been the same since.
When I had control, I knew the way,
It was rather boring, but predictable…
It was the shortest distance between two points.
But when He took the lead,
He knew delightful long cuts,
Up mountains, and through rocky places,
At breakneck speeds,
It was all I could do to hang on!
Even though it looked like madness,
He said,
“Pedal”
I worried and was anxious and asked,
“Where are you taking me?”
He laughed and didn’t answer,
And I started to learn to trust.
I forgot my boring life
And entered into the adventure.
And when I’d say, “I’m scared,”
He’d lean back and touch my hand.
He took me to people with gifts that I needed.
Gifts of healing, acceptance, and joy.
He said, “Give the gifts away;
They’re extra baggage, too much weight.”
So I did, I gave them to the people we met,
And I found that in giving I received,
And still our burden was light.
I did not trust Him, at first, In control of my life.
I thought He’d wreck it;
But He knows bike secrets,
Knows how to make it bend to take sharp corners,
Knows how to jump to clear high rocks,
Knows how to fly to shorten scary passages.
And I am learning to shut up
and pedal in the strangest places,
And I’m beginning to enjoy the view
And the cool breeze on my face
With my delightful constant companion, Jesus Christ.
And when I’m sure I just can’t do anymore,
He just smiles and says…Pedal
Brother John entered the “Monastery of Silence” and the Abbott said,
“Brother, this is a silent monastery; you are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so.”
Brother John lived in the monastery for five years before the Abbott said to him, “Brother John, you have been here five years now; you may speak two words.”
Brother John said, “Hard bed.”
“I’m sorry to hear that,” the Abbot said. “We will get you a better bed.”
After another five years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. “You may say another two words, Brother John.”
“Cold food,” said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again call Brother John into his office. “Two words you may say today.”
“I quit,” said Brother John.
“It is probably best, you’ve done nothing but complain since you got here.”
A child was asked to write a book report on the entire Bible.
This is amazing and brought tears of laughter to my eyes.
I wonder how often we take for granted that children understand what we are teaching???
The Children’s Bible in a Nutshell
In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one, but I think He must be a lot older than that.
Then God made the world.
He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.
Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.
Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.
Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.
One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.
Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.
God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.
Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother..
Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town
After Joshua came David. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot.. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me..
After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then thrown up on the shore.
There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.
After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New. He was born in Bethlehemin a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)
During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Democrats. Jesus also had twelve opossums. The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.
Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.
But the Democrats and Republicans put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead ..
Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, and then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution..
Catholic Info
This information is for Catholics Only. It must not be divulged to non-Catholics. The less they know about rituals and code words, the better off they are. AMEN: The only part of a prayer that everyone knows. BULLETIN: Your receipt for attending Mass. CHOIR: A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync. HOLY WATER: A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY. RECESSIONAL HYMN: The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left. INCENSE: Holy Smoke! JONAH: The original 'Jaws' story. JUSTICE: When kids have kids of their own. KYRIE ELEISON: The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava. (for you non-Catholics it means Lord have mercy) MAGI: The most famous trio to attend a baby shower. PEW: A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches. PROCESSION: The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats. RECESSIONAL: The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot. Little known facts about the Catholic Church in Las Vegas: There are more churches in Las Vegas than casinos. During Sunday services at the offertory, some worshipers contribute casino chips as opposed to cash. Some are sharing their winnings - some are hoping to win. Since they get chips from so many different casinos, and they are worth money, the Catholic churches are required to send all the chips into the diocese for sorting. Once sorted into the respective casino chips, one junior priest takes the chips and makes the rounds to the casinos turning chips into cash.And he, of course, is known as 'The Chip Monk'.
92 YEAR OLD PREACHER
After a warm welcome, introduction of this speaker, and as the applause quieted down, the 92 Year Old Preacher rose from his high back chair and walked slowly, with great effort and a sliding gait to the podium. Without a note or written paper of any kind he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak….
“When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50-odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials.. The one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heartbreak and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me…
the only thing that would comfort was this verse…….. …..
“Jesus loves me this I know.
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong,
we are weak but He is strong…..
Yes, Jesus loves me….
The Bible tells me so.”
The old pastor stated, “I always noticed that it was the adults who chose the children’s hymn ‘Jesus Loves Me’ (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best.”
“Here for you now is a Senior version of Jesus Loves Me”:
JESUS LOVES ME FOR SENIORS
Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.
(CHORUS)
YES, JESUS LOVES ME.. YES, JESUS LOVES ME..
YES, JESUS LOVES ME, FOR THE BIBLE TELLS ME SO.
Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I’ll go
On through life, let come what may,
He’ll be there to lead the way.
(CHORUS)
When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song..
Telling me in words so clear,
“Have no fear, for I am near.”
(CHORUS)
When my work on earth is done,
And life’s victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I’ll understand His love.
(CHORUS)
I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.
(CHORUS)
A man in Topeka, Kansas, decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco, and started working east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and making notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued with a sign which read “$10,000 a minute.” Seeking out the pastor he asked about the phone.
The pastor answered that this golden phone is, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he pays the price he can talk directly to God.
The man thanked the pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, Austin, Michigan, Chicago, Milwaukee, and all around the United States, he found more phones, with the same sign, and got the same answer from each pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Mocksville, North Carolina. Upon entering a church in there, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read “Calls: 25 cents.”
Fascinated, he asked to talk to the pastor. “Pastor, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church, I have found this golden telephone and have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 25 cents a call. Why?”
The pastor, smiling, replied,
”Son, you’re in Mocksville now. This is God’s country… and it’s a local call.”
John 3:16
A little boy was selling newspapers on the corner; the people were in and out of the cold. The little boy was so cold that he wasn’t trying to sell many papers.
He walked up to a policeman and said,”Mister, you wouldn’t happen to know where a poor boy could find a warm place to sleep tonight would you? You see, I sleep in a box up around the corner there and down the alley and its awful cold in there for tonight. Sure would be nice to have a warm place to stay.”
The policeman looked down at the little boy and said, “You go down the street to that big white house and you knock on the door. When they come out the door you just say
John 3:16 and they will let you in.”
So he did. He walked up the steps and knocked on the Door, and a lady answered. He looked up and said, “John 3:16.” The lady said, “Come on in, Son.”
She took him in and she sat him down in a split bottom rocker in front of a great big old fireplace, and she went off. The boy sat there for a while and thought to himself: John 3:16 . I don’t understand it, but it sure makes a Cold boy warm.
Later she came back and asked him “Are you hungry ? “
He said, “Well, just a little.. I haven’t eaten in a couple of Days, and I guess I could stand a little bit of food,”
The lady took him in the kitchen and sat him down to a table Full of wonderful food. He ate and ate until he couldn’t eat Any more.. Then he thought to himself: John ! 3:16 . Boy, I sure don’t understand it but it sure makes a Hungry boy full.
She took him upstairs to a bathroom to a huge bathtub Filled with warm water, and he sat there and soaked for a While. As he soaked, he thought to himself: John 3:16 I sure don’t understand it, but it sure makes a dirty boy Clean. You know, I’ve not had a bath, a real bath, in my Whole life. The only bath I ever had was when I stood in Front of that big old fire hydrant as they flushed it out. The lady came in and got him.. She took him to a room, Tucked him into a big old feather bed , pulled the covers Up around his neck, kissed him goodnight and turned out The lights. As he lay in the darkness and looked out the Window at the snow coming down on that cold night, He thought to himself: John 3:16 …I don’t understand it but It sure makes a tired boy rested.
The next morning the lady came back up and took him Down again to that same big table full of food. After he Ate, she took him back to that same big old split bottom Rocker in front of the fireplace and picked up A big old Bible.
She sat down in front of him and looked into his young face. “Do you understand John 3:16 ?” she asked gently… He Replied, “No, Ma’am, I don’t.. The first time I ever heard it
Was last night when the policeman told me to use it,” She opened Th e Bible to John 3:16 and began to explain To him about Jesus. Right there, in front of that big old fireplace,
He gave his heart and life to Jesus. He sat there And thought: John 3:16 – don’t understand it, but it sure Makes a lost boy feel safe.
You know, I have to confess I don’t understand it either, How God was willing to send His Son to die for me, and how Jesus would agree to do such a thing. I don’t understand
The agony of the Father and every angel in heaven as They watched Jesus suffer and die. I don’t understand the intense Love for ME that kept Jesus on the cross till the end.
I don’t understand it, but it sure does make life worth living..
Prayers
A voyaging ship was wrecked during a storm at sea and only two of the men on it were able to swim to a small, desert like island.
The two survivors, not knowing what else to do, agreed that they had no other recourse but to pray. However, to find out whose prayer was more powerful, they agreed to divide the territory between them and stay on opposite sides of the island.
The first thing they prayed for was food. The next morning, the first man saw a fruit-bearing tree on his side of the land, and he was able to eat its fruit. The other man’s parcel of land remained barren.
After a week, the first man was lonely and he decided to pray for a wife. The next day, another ship was wrecked, and the only survivor was a woman who swam to his side of the land. On the other side of the island, there was nothing.
Soon the first man prayed for a house, clothes, more food. The next day, like magic, all of these were given to him. However, the second man still had nothing.
Finally, the first man prayed for a ship, so that he and his wife could leave the island. In the morning, he found a ship docked at his side of the island. The first man boarded the ship with his wife and decided to leave the second man on the island.
He considered the other man unworthy to receive blessings, since none of his prayers had been answered.
As the ship was about to leave, the first man heard a voice from heaven booming, “Why are you leaving your companion on the island?”
“My blessings are mine alone, since I was the one who prayed for them,” the first man answered. “His prayers were all unanswered and so he does not deserve anything.”
“You are mistaken!” the voice rebuked him. “He had only one prayer, which I answered. If not for that, you would not have received any of my blessings.”
“Tell me,” the first man asked the voice, “What did he pray for that I should owe him anything?”
“He prayed that all your prayers be answered”
Conclusion: For all we know, our blessings are not the fruits of our prayers alone, but those of another praying for us
Amazing Grace
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a grave side service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentuckyback-country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost; and being a typical man I didn’t stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.
There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch .I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low my heart was full.
As I was opening the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
” I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Isaiah 65:24 Lived out by an African Missionary Doctor
One night I had worked hard to help a mother in the labor ward; but in spite of all we could do, she died, leaving us with a tiny, premature baby and a crying two-year-old daughter. We would have difficulty keeping the baby alive; as we had no incubator (we had no electricity to run an incubator).
We also had no special feeding facilities.
Although we lived on the equator, nights were often chilly with treacherous drafts. One student midwife went for the box we had for such babies and the cotton wool that the baby would be wrapped in.
Another went to stoke up the fire and fill a hot water bottle. She came back shortly in distress to tell me that in filling the bottle, it had burst (rubber perishes easily in tropical climates)..
‘And it is our last hot water bottle!’ she exclaimed. As in the West, it is no good crying over spilled milk, so in Central Africait might be considered no good crying over burst water bottles.
They do not grow on trees, and there are no drugstores down forest pathways.
‘All right,’ I said, ‘put the baby as near the fire as you safely can, and sleep between the baby and the door to keep it free from drafts Your job is to keep the baby warm.’
The following noon, as I did most days, I went to have prayers with any of the orphanage children who chose to gather with me. I gave the youngsters various suggestions of things to pray about and told them about the tiny baby. I explained our problem about keeping the baby warm enough, mentioning the hot water bottle, and that the baby could so easily die if it got chills. I also told them of the two-year-old sister, crying because her mother had died.
During prayer time, one ten -year-old girl, Ruth, prayed with the usual blunt conciseness of our African children. ‘Please, God’ she prayed, ‘Send us a hot water bottle today It’ll be no good tomorrow, God, as the baby will be dead, so please send it this afternoon.’
While I gasped inwardly at the audacity of the prayer, she added, ‘And while You are about it, would You please send a dolly for the little girl so she’ll know You really love her?’
As often with children’s prayers, I was put on the spot. Could I honestly say ‘Amen?’ I just did not believe that God could do this.
Oh, yes, I know that He can do everything; the Bible says so. But there are limits, aren’t there? The only way God could answer this particular prayer would be by sending me a parcel from the homeland. I had been in Africa for almost four years at that time, and I had never, ever, received a parcel from home.
Anyway, if anyone did send me a parcel, who would put in a hot water bottle? I lived on the equator!
Halfway through the afternoon, while I was teaching in the nurses’ training school, a message was sent that there was a car at my front door. By the time I reached home, the car had gone, but there on the verandah was a large 22-pound parcel. I felt tears pricking my eyes. I could not open the parcel alone, so I sent for the orphanage children. Together we pulled off the string, carefully undoing each knot. We folded the paper, taking care not to tear it unduly Excitement was mounting. Some thirty or forty pairs of eyes were focused on the large cardboard box. >From the top, I lifted out brightly-colored, knitted jerseys. Eyes sparkled as I gave them out. Then there were the knitted bandages for the leprosy patients, and the children looked a little bored. Then came a box of mixed raisins and sultanas – that would make a batch of buns for the weekend.
Then, as I put my hand in again, I felt the…could it really be?
I grasped it and pulled it out. Yes, a brand new, rubber hot water bottle. I cried.
I had not asked God to send it; I had not truly believed that He could.
Ruth was in the front row of the children. She rushed forward, crying out, ‘If God has sent the bottle, He must have sent the dolly, too!’
Rummaging down to the bottom of the box, she pulled out the small, beautifully-dressed dolly. Her eyes shone! She had never doubted!
Looking up at me, she asked, ‘Can I go over with you and give this dolly to that little girl, so she’ll know that Jesus really loves her?’
‘Of course,’ I replied!
That parcel had been on the way for five whole months, packed up by my former Sunday school class, whose leader had heard and obeyed God’s prompting to send a hot water bottle, even to the equator.
And one of the girls had put in a dolly for an African child – five months before, in answer to the believing prayer of a ten-year-old to bring it ‘that afternoon.’
‘Before they call, I will answer.’ (Isaiah 65:24)
GLASS OF MILK
One day, a poor boy who was selling goods from door to door to pay his way through school, found he had only one thin dime left, and he was hungry.
He decided he would ask for a meal at the next house. However, he lost his nerve when a lovely young woman opened the door.
Instead of a meal he asked for a drink of water! . She thought he looked hungry so brought him a large glass of milk. He drank it so slowly, and then asked, How much do I owe you?”
You don’t owe me anything,” she replied. “Mother has taught us never to accept pay for a kindness.”
He said … “Then I thank you from my heart.”
As Howard Kelly left that house, he not only felt stronger physically, but his faith in God and man was strong also. He had been ready to give up and quit.
Many year’s later that same young woman became critically ill. The local doctors were baffled. They finally sent her to the big city, where they called in specialists to study her rare disease.
Dr. Howard Kelly was called in for the consultation. When he heard the name of the town she came from, a strange light filled his eyes.
Immediately he rose and went down the hall of the hospital to her room.
Dressed in his doctor’s gown he went in to see her. He recognized her at once.
He went back to the consultation room determined to do his best to save her life. From that day he gave special attention to her case.
After a long struggle, the battle was won.
Dr. Kelly requested the business office to pass the final bill to him for approval. He looked at it, then wrote something on the edge, and the bill was sent to her room. She feared to open it, for she was sure it would take the rest of her life to pay for it all. Finally she looked, and something caught her attention on the side of the bill. She read these words …
“Paid in full with one glass of milk”
(Signed) Dr. Howard Kelly.
Tears of joy flooded her eyes as her happy heart prayed: “Thank You,
God, that Your love has spread broad through human hearts and hands.”
A man named Bob May, depressed and brokenhearted, stared out his drafty apartment window into the chilling December night. His 4-year-old daughter Barbara sat on his lap quietly sobbing.
Bobs wife, Evelyn, was dying of cancer.
Little Barbara couldn’t understand why her mommy could never come home. Barbara looked up into her dad’s eyes and asked, “Why isn’t Mommy just like everybody else’s Mommy?” Bob’s jaw tightened and his eyes welled with tears.
Her question brought waves of grief, but also of anger. It had been the story of Bob’s life. Life always had to be different for Bob.
Small when he was a kid, Bob was often bullied by other boys. He was too little at the time to compete in sports. He was often called names he’d rather not remember. From childhood, Bob was different and never seemed to fit in. Bob did complete college, married his loving wife and was grateful to get his job as a copywriter at Montgomery Ward during the Great Depression. Then he was blessed with his little girl. But it was all short-lived. Evelyn’s bout with cancer stripped them of all their savings and now Bob and his daughter were forced to live in a two-room apartment in theChicagoslums. Evelyn died just days before Christmas in 1938.
Bob struggled to give hope to his child, for whom he couldn’t even afford to buy a Christmas gift. But if he couldn’t buy a gift, he was determined to make one – a storybook! Bob had created a character in his own mind and told the animal’s story to little Barbara to give her comfort and hope. Again and again Bob told the story, embellishing it more with each telling.
Who was the character? What was the story all about? The story Bob May created was his own autobiography in fable form. The character he created was a misfit outcast like he was. The name of the character? A little reindeer named Rudolph, with a big shiny nose.
Bob finished the book just in time to give it to his little girl on Christmas Day. But the story doesn’t end there.
The general manager of Montgomery Ward caught wind of the little storybook and offered Bob May a nominal fee to purchase the rights to print the book. Wards went on to print,_ Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer_ and distribute it to children visiting Santa Claus in their stores. By 1946 Wards had printed and distributed more than six million copies of Rudolph. That same year, a major publisher wanted to purchase the rights from Wards to print an updated version of the book.
In an unprecedented gesture of kindness, the CEO of Wards returned all rights back to Bob May. The book became a best seller. Many toy and marketing deals followed and Bob May, now remarried with a growing family, became wealthy from the story he created to comfort his grieving daughter. But the story doesn’t end there either.
Bob’s brother-in-law, Johnny Marks, made a song adaptation to Rudolph. Though the song was turned down by such popular vocalists as Bing Crosby andDinahShore, it was recorded by the singing cowboy, Gene Autry. “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” was released in 1949 and became a phenomenal success, selling more records than any other Christmas song, with the exception of “White Christmas.”
The gift of love that Bob May created for his daughter so long ago kept on returning back to bless him again and again. And Bob May learned the lesson, just like his dear friend Rudolph, that being different isn’t so bad In fact, being different can be a blessing.
ODE TO ATURKEY
When I was a young turkey, new to the coop,
My big brother Mike took me out on the stoop,
Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I had to know;
His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of the horrors of….. Black November;
“Come about August, now listen to me,
Each day you’ll get six meals instead of just three,
“And soon you’ll be thick, where once you were thin,
And you’ll grow a big rubbery thing under your chin;
“And then one morning, when you’re warm in your bed,
In’ll burst the farmer’s wife, and hack off your head;
“Then she’ll pluck out all your feathers so you’re bald ‘n pink,
And scoop out all your insides and leave ya lyin’ in the sink;
Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,
And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked,
I’d have to lay low and remain overlooked;
I began a new diet of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads, juice and diet cola;
And as they ate pastries, chocolates and grapes,
I stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;
I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when the bigger birds laughed;
But ’twas I who was laughing, under my breath,
As they chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;
And sure enough when Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left in the entire compound;
So now I’m a pet in the farmer’s wife’s lap;
I haven’t a worry, so I eat and I nap;
She held me today, while sewing and humming,
And smiled at me and said
“Christmas is coming”
Lucky’s Toy Box
Mary and her husband Jim had a dog, Lucky. Lucky was a real character.
Whenever Mary and Jim had company come for a weekend visit they would warn their friends to not leave their luggage open because Lucky would help himself to whatever struck his fancy. Inevitably, someone would forget and something would come up missing. Mary or Jim would go to Lucky’s toy box in the basement and there the treasure would be, amid all of Lucky’s favorite toys. Lucky always stashed his finds in his toy box and he was very particular that his toys stay in the box.
It happened that Mary found out she had breast cancer. Something told her she was going to die of this disease; she was just sure it was fatal. She scheduled the double mastectomy, fear riding her shoulders.
The night before she was to go to the hospital she cuddled with Lucky. A thought struck her…what would happen to Lucky? Although the three-year-old dog liked Jim, he was Mary’s dog through and through. If I die, Lucky will be abandoned, Mary thought. He won’t understand that I didn’t want to leave him. The thought made her sadder than thinking of her own death.
The double mastectomy was harder on Mary than her doctors had anticipated and Mary was hospitalized for over two weeks. Jim took Lucky for his evening walk faithfully, but the little dog just drooped, whining and miserable. Finally the day came for Mary to leave the hospital. When she arrived home, Mary was so exhausted she couldn’t even make it up the steps to her bedroom. Jim made his wife comfortable on the couch and left her to nap.
Lucky stood watching Mary but he didn’t come to her when she called. It made Mary sad but sleep soon overcame her and she dozed. When Mary woke for a second she couldn’t understand what was wrong. She couldn’t move her head and her body felt heavy and hot. But panic soon gave way to laughter when Mary realized the problem. She was covered, literally blanketed, with every treasure Lucky owned!
While she had slept, the sorrowing dog had made trip after trip to the basement bringing his beloved mistress all his favorite things in life. With dog love, Lucky brought all here toys from her toy box. He had covered her with his love. Mary forgot about dying. Instead she and Lucky began living again, walking further and further together every night.
It’s been 12 years now and Mary is still cancer-free. As for Lucky? He still steals treasures and stashes them in his toy box but Mary remains his greatest treasure.
The Little Boy’s Prayer
“Dear God, please take care of my daddy and my mommy and my sister and my brother and my doggy and me.
Oh, please take care of yourself, God. If anything happens to you, we’re gonna be in a big mess.”
The Preacher’s Last Wish
An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his doctor and his lawyer, both church members, to come to his home.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit, one on each side of his bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling. For a time, no one said anything.
Both the doctor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moments. They were also puzzled; the preacher had never given them any indication that he particularly liked either of them. They both remembered his many long, uncomfortable sermons about greed, covetousness and avaricious behavior that made them squirm in their seats.
Finally, the doctor said, “Preacher, why did you ask us to come?” The old preacher mustered up his strength, then said weakly, “Jesus died between two thieves … and that’s how I want to go.”
Ementary school kids were asked questions about the Old & New Testaments. The following statements about the Bible were written by the children. they have not been retouched or corrected(i.e.incorrect spelling has been left in.)
Noah’s wife was called Joan ofArk.
Noah built an ark, which the animals come on in pears.
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea , where they made unleavened bread which is bread without any ingredients,
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten amendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
Moses died before he ever reachesCanada . Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
Solomon, one of David’s sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
Jesus enunciated a man doth not live by sweat alone.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.
A Señor Moment
”$5.37.” That’s what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. I dug
into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change, when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the harshest thing anyone has ever said to me.
He said, “It’s OK. I’ll just give you the senior citizen discount.”
I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me.
“Only $4.68,” he said cheerfully.
I stood there stupefied. I am 58, not even 60 yet. A mere child! Senior citizen?
I took my burrito and walked out to the truck, wondering what was wrong with Elmo. Was he blind? As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. Old? Me? I’ll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.
Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me,
like I could be that easily distracted! What am I now? A toddler?
“Dude! Can’t get too far without your car keys, eh?”
I stared with utter disdain at the keys I began to rationalize in my mind. ”Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! It could happen to anyone!”
I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn’t turn. What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.
That’s when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rearview mirror. Then, a few other objects came into focus. The car seat in the back seat. HappyMeal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten doughnut on the dashboard. Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.
Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be
leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. That is when I felt it, deep in the
bowels of my stomach: hunger! My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.
I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the
restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, “What is the world coming to?”
All I could say was, “Did I leave my food and drink in here?” At this point I was ready to ask a Boy Scout to help me back to my vehicle, and then go straight home and apply for Social Security benefits.
Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad cameup and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. His mother explained, “I think you left this in my truck by mistake.”
I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.
He offered these kind words, “It’s OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all
the time.”
All of this is to explain how I got a ticket doing 85 in a 40. Yes, I was racing
some punk kid in a Toyota Prius. And, no, I told the officer, I’m not too old to
be driving this fast.
As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food and a $300 speeding ticket. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.
The good news was I had successfully found my way home.
Painting the Church
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the Local Church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.
Smokey put in a bid, and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and, yes, I am sorry to say, thinning it down with turpentine..
Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder, the sky opened, and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn among the gravestones, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.
Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he got down on his knees and cried:
“Oh, God, Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?”
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke..
“Repaint! Repaint!
And thin no more!”
Dear God Letters..from some very cute children
Do you like it when I pray to you? I do, too.
My Sunday School teacher says you always love me. Is that true? Even after what I did to Sara yesterday – or do you know about that? I really am sorry so I wish you would still love me.
My grandma is dying. She says you want her back with you, but I want her to stay here with me. You can have anyone you want. She’s all I have, so please let her get better and stay.
Did baby Jesus cry all the time? My new brother does, and I don’t like it. Mommy says all babies do, and I did when I was little. I’m six now. I don’t think baby Jesus ever cried. He’s your son, so you must know the answer. We have a bet on it, so please write back.
I saw a kangaroo and a buffalo today at the zoo. I like the lion best. What is your favorite? I think the ostrich is funny looking – did you do that on purpose?
My dog, Bowser is getting really old now. He gets up slowly and doesn’t keep up with me anymore when we run. Mommy says he’s going to die one day. Could you just make him a puppy again instead?
I have no best friend. Everyone at school seems to have a best friend but me. Could you send me one, please? And hurry.
I have a spelling test on Tuesday. I never get all the words right. Maybe you could help me this time. Or is that cheating?
I have a lizard named Ernie. He only has three feet ‘cuz one of them got caught in the door. I didn’t mean to do it though. Would you fix it back again?
Do you know when I’m bad or good? Or is that just Santa Claus?
Do you listen to my prayers every night? Do you really know when I only pretend to brush my teeth? Don’t tell Mommy, O.K.?
Written ByReginaBrett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer,Cleveland, Ohio
“To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most-requested column I’ve ever written.. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:”
1. Life isn’t fair, but it’s still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won’t take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. So stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don’t have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It’s more healing than crying alone.
8. It’s OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won’t screw up the present.
12. It’s OK to let your children see you cry..
13. Don’t compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn’t be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don’t worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn’t useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don’t take no for an answer.
21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don’t save it for a special occasion. Today is special.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now… Don’t wait for old age to wear purple.
24. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
25. Frame every so-called disaster with these words ”In five years, will this matter?”.
26. Always choose life.
27. Forgive everyone everything.
28. What other people think of you is none of your business..
29.. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.
30. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
31. Don’t take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
32. Believe in miracles.
33. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn’t do.
34. Don’t audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
35.. Growing old beats the alternative — dying young.
36. Your children get only one childhood.
37. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
38. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere..
39. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else’s, we’d
grab ours back.
40. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
41. The best is yet to come.
42. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
43. Yield.
44. Life isn’t tied with a bow, but it’s still a gift.
Noah’s Ark
All I really need to know about Life, I learned from Noah’s Ark:
Don’t miss the boat.
Don’t forget we’re all in the same boat.
Plan ahead-it wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Stay fit-when you’re 600 years old someone might ask you to do something really big.
Don’t listen to critics; just get on with what has to be done.
For safety’s sake travel in pairs.
Two heads are better than one.
Build your future on high ground.
Speed isn’t always an advantage; after all, the snails were on the same ark with the cheetahs.
When you’re stressed, float awhile.
Remember the ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic was built by professionals.
Remember that the woodpeckers inside are a larger threat than the storm outside.
No matter what the storm, when God is with you there’s a rainbow waiting.
The Ministerial Candidate
One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good minister. A member of an
official board undergoing this painful process finally lost patience. He’d just witnessed the
Pastoral Relations Committee reject applicant after applicant for some minor fault — real
or imagined. It was time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee. So he
stood up and read this letter purporting to be from another applicant.
Gentlemen:
Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications. I’ve been a preacher with much success and also had some success as a writer. Some say I’m a good organizer. I’ve been a leader most places I’ve been.
I’m over 50 years of age and have never preached in one place for more than three years. In some places, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing.
My health is not too good, though I still accomplish a great deal. The churches I have
preached in have been small, though located in several large cities.
I’ve not gotten along well with religious leaders in the towns where I have preached. In
fact, some have threatened me, and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at
keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I have baptized.
However, if you can use me, I promise to do my best for you.
The board member turned to the committee and said, “Well, what do you think? Shall we call him?”
The good church folks were appalled! Consider a sickly, trouble-making, absent-minded ex-jailbird? Was the board member crazy? Who signed the application? Who had such colossal nerve?
The board member eyed them all keenly before he replied, “It’s signed, ‘The Apostle
Paul.’”
Gabriel Garcia Marquez, famous writer from Colombia, and Nobel Peace prize winner for literature, has retired from public life for reasons of health. He has a form of cancer which is terminal. He has sent a farewell letter to his friends and it has been circulated around the Internet. It is recommended reading because it is moving to see how one of the best and most brilliant of writers expresses himself.
A GENIUS SAYS GOODBYE FOR GOOD
If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life; I would use it to the best of my ability.
I wouldn’t possibly, say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful of all I say.
I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express.
I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light.
I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep.
If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner, I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy.
To all men I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love.
I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves.
To old people I would say that death doesn’t arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness.
I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken & the form used to reach the top of the hill.
I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father’s finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life.
I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground.
Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul.
If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say “I love you”.
There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right, but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you & that I will never forget you.
Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old. Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn’t wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.
Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them “I am sorry”;” forgive me”,” please” “thank you”, and all those loving words you know.
Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them.
Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you.
For you, With much love,
Your Friend,
Gabriel Garcia Marquez
Dead Goldfish
Little Tim, the neighborhood delinquent, was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky youngster was up to, he politely asked,
”What happening there, Tim?” ”My goldfish died,” replied Tim tearfully, without
looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor felt guilty for prejudging the child and said, “I’m really sorry, Tim.” and added, ” My
an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
”That’s because he’s inside your cat. “
Leaf
A small boy opened the big old family Bible with fascination, and looked at the very old pages as he turned them. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s suit!”
Robins :Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry”, said the first one.
“Me, too” said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”
They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate and ate ’til they could eat no more.
”I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree”, said the first one.
”Me either. Let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun”, said the second.
”O.K.” said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun.
No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tom cat snuck up and
gobbled them up. As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought,
“I love baskin’ robins.”
Quarter: One Sunday after the church sermon was over and everyone was filing
out, we stopped to chat with our friends.
My wife said “the pastor’s sermon was really bad today.”
“Boring too!” remarked one of our gathered friends.
“The choir was just awful, they were off key the whole time” I
remarked.
The rest of the group nodded in agreement as my son butted in and said
come on, Pops, I thought they were pretty good for just a quarter.”
Twinkies and Root Beer
A little boy wanted to meet God. He knew it was a long trip to where God lived, so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of Root Beer and he started his journey.
When he had gone about three blocks, he met an elderly man. The man was sitting in the park just feeding some pigeons.
The boy sat down next to him and opened his suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the man looked hungry, so he offered him a Twinkie.
The man gratefully accepted it and smiled at boy. His smile was so pleasant that the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer.
Again, the man smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.
As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the man, and gave him a hug. The man gave him his biggest smile ever.
When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, “What did you do today that made you so happy?
“He replied, “I had lunch with God.” But before his mother could respond, he added, “You know what? God’s got the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen!”
Meanwhile, the elderly man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and he asked,” Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?”
He replied, “I ate Twinkies in the park with God.” However, before his son responded, he added,” You know, he’s much younger than I expected.”
Wedding Story ( As only a child could do…)
A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down
the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating
between bride’s side and groom’s side). While facing the crowd, he
would put his hands up like claws and roar…so it went, step, step, ROAR,
step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd
was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the
laughing, and was also near tears by the time he reached the front. .
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the
Ring Bear…”
Shoes
Another three year old put his shoes on by himself. His mother
noticed the left was on the right foot. She said, “Son, your shoes are on
the wrong feet.” He looked up at her with a raised brow and said,
”Don’t kid me, Mom, I know they’re my feet.”
Animal Crackers
A mother and her young son returned from the grocery store and
began putting away the groceries. The boy opened a box of animal crackers and
spread them all over the table. “What are you doing?” his mother asked.
”The box says you can’t eat them if the seal is broken,” the boy explained.
“I’m looking for the seal.”
Flea
A father was reading Bible stories to his young son. He read,
”The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee from the city, but
his wife looked back and was turned to salt.” His son asked, “What happened to
the flea?”
Lord’s Prayer
A four-year-old girl was learning to say the Lord’s Prayer. She
was reciting it all by herself without help from her mother. She said “And
lead us not into temptation, but deliver us some e-mail. AMEN”
Pancakes
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan,
3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake. Their
mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson. “If Jesus were sitting here,
He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.’” Kevin
turned to his younger brother and said, “Ryan, you be Jesus!”
Seven Wonders
It seems a group of geography students were studying the “Seven Wonders of the World.” At the end of their course, they were asked to list what they each considered to be the “Seven Wonders of the Modern World.” These were the most voted for answers:
As the teacher was going over the results, he noticed that one girl had not turned in her paper. He asked if she was having trouble with her list.
she responded, “Yes. I can’t make up my mind because there seem to be so many.”
The teacher said, “Let me help. Read what you’ve got so far.”
The girl hesitantly started to read, “I think the Seven Wonders of the World are:
To Touch, To Taste, To See, To Hear,
To Run, To Laugh and To Love.
Do we take more notice of the “wonders” man has built and tend to forget about the real wonders that God has given us?
Yes, sometimes I think we do.
We need to take the time to thank Him for the pleasure in His wonderful creations.
For the delight of hearing laughter and music,
For the delight of knowing and touching others around us.
For inspiring us to reach toward new knowledge, and heightened awareness.
And for blending all of these experiences into the excitement we call life.
New FOOTPRINTS
FOOTPRINTS…A New Version
Imagine you and the Lord Jesus are walking down the road together. For much of the way, the Lord’s footprints go along steadily, consistently, rarely varying the pace.
But your footprints are a disorganized stream of zigzags, starts, stops, turnarounds, circles, departures, and returns.
For much of the way, it seems to go like this, but gradually your footprints come more in line with the Lord’s, soon paralleling, His consistently.
You and Jesus are walking as true friends!
This seems perfect, but then an interesting thing happens: Your footprints that once etched the sand next to Jesus’ are now walking precisely in His steps.
Inside His larger footprints are your smaller ones, you and Jesus are becoming one.
This goes on for many miles, but gradually you notice another change. The footprints inside the large footprints seem to grow larger.
Eventually they disappear altogether. There is only one set of footprints. They have become one.
This goes on for a long time, but suddenly the second set of footprints is back. This time it seems even worse! Zigzags all over the place. Stops. Starts. Gashes in the sand. A variable mess of prints.
You are amazed and shocked.
Your dream ends. Now you pray:
‘Lord, I understand the first scene, with zigzags and fits. I was a new Christian; I was just learning. But You walked on through the storm and helped me learn to walk with You.’
‘That is correct.’
‘And when the smaller footprints were inside of Yours, I was actually learning to walk in Your steps, following You very closely.’
‘Very good… You have understood everything so far.’
When the smaller footprints grew and filled in Yours, I suppose that I was becoming like You in every way.’
‘Precisely.’
‘So, Lord, was there a regression or something? The footprints separated, and this time it was worse than at first.’
There is a pause as the Lord answers, with a smile in His voice.
‘You didn’t know? It was then that we danced!’
To everything there is a season, a time for every purpose under heaven: A time to weep, a time to laugh, a time to mourn, and a time to dance.
Ecclesiastes 3:1,4.
“Turn Around”
It was a stormy Texas night and I was out way too late, about 1:15 in the morning. I was driving home from my girlfriend’s house. As I blasted my radio, trying to keep awake, I noticed a black truck speeding toward me on the other side of the highway. From across the median, I could see the driver was losing control. The truck started swerving all over the road. As I began to pass it going the opposite way, it crashed violently into the median, spraying glass across my car.
The truck finally came to a stop a few yards further down the
highway. Smoke was coming from it. I drove as fast and safely as I could to the nearest exit and turned around. It must have taken me one minute, and by the time I reached the wreck and parked on the side of the road, a man and woman were already helping the truck driver. They were off-duty emergency medical service technicians (EMS) and the driver was obviously drunk. He smelled of alcohol and there were empty beer cans inside the truck. The medics began trying to wake him while I held his hand and talked to him.
We were there about five minutes, freezing and wet, when I stepped back to see the whole picture. I was shaking from the cold. It was then that I heard a voice say, “Turn around!” It was loud and eerie, in my head. As I turned, I saw a small, white Honda heading full speed towards us all – skidding across the wet road. I had less than a second to turn, yell at the others and jump out of the way. As I and the other two people were in the air, the Honda ran straight into the truck, injuring the truck driver even more, severing his leg.
The female medic and I landed on the other side of the road and barely avoided being run over by oncoming cars. The male medic hadn’t been able to jump as far and was knocked out but ended up being okay. Neither of them had heard anything, not the voice or the car. They both looked at me and said, “Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!”
People who had stopped for the first accident on the opposite side of the road swore they had not seen the out-of-control car coming and when it hit, they thought we had all been smashed. A teen who witnessed it ran over to me and said, “Dude, how did y’all move so fast?”
We were all shaking, disturbed and thankful. None of us fully
understood what had just taken place. We were all sure of one thing: Something or someone had helped us – no doubt about it!
“I didn’t know how to swim”
“When I was eight years old my Dad was battling thyroid cancer. My Mom and I were in California with him, while he was being treated at the Scripps Clinic. We were all staying at a nearby hotel.
My parents were talking at an outdoor table while I played in the pool. I didn’t know how to swim, but I was hanging on to the edge and working my way around the pool, including the deep end. All of a sudden my hands hit a slippery wet spot on the edge and I fell into the water. I went straight to the bottom and no matter how hard I kicked, I could not reach the top.
I looked up and saw an arm reaching down through the water to me. I grabbed the hand and was pulled to the edge of the pool. I was coughing and trying to get the water out of my eyes. When I was able to open my eyes, there was no one there.
My Mom and Dad were still sitting and talking at the table. They had never seen me go under the water nor had they seen anyone else in the pool area.
From that day until this, I have never doubted that either God or one of his Angels saved my life that day. I think God knew it would have been too much of a burden to place on my Mom, as shortly thereafter my Father passed away. Sometimes I struggle with my basic faith but I never doubt that God exists.”
Christian Bumper stickers
Five out of five demons agree, Christ is King!
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in schools!
I broke the rules. I prayed in school. I’m such a menace to society.
Before you go to sleep, give your problems to God. He’ll be up all night anyway.
April 1st: National Atheists’ Day.
If you can’t stand the heat– better make plans to avoid it.
The wages of sin is death– quit before payday!
Rapture… separation of church & state!
If you’re puzzled by life, Jesus is the missing peace!
In case of rapture… car’s yours!
Get right, or get left!
Do you follow Jesus this closely?
Choosy moms choose life
Why drink and drive, when you can pray and fly?
Make your eternal reservations now— ’smoking’ or ‘non-smoking’?
Jesus built us a bridge, with 2 boards and 3 nails.
Count your blessings! Recounts are OK—
Don’t be God’s weakest link!
Give God what’s right, not what’s left.
“Pray” is a four letter word that you can say anywhere (except in a public school).
Man’s way leads to a hopeless end! God’s way leads to an endless hope.
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
He who kneels before God can stand before anyone.
To be almost saved is to be totally lost.
In the sentence of life the Devil may be a comma,but DO NOT LET him be the PERIOD.
Don’t put a question mark where God put a period.
God loves everyone, but probably prefers “fruits of the spirit over religious nuts”.
Are you wrinkled with burden? Come on into Church for a faith lift.
Prayer – Don’t give God instructions-just report for duty.
Walmart isn’t the only saving place.
God doesn’t want shares of your life; He wants controlling interest.
Don’t wait for 6 strong men to take you to church.
A family altar can alter a family.
We don’t change the message, the message changes us.
This Church is “Prayer Conditioned”.
When God ordains, He sustains.
WARNING: Exposure to the Son may prevent burning.
Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the ark.
Most people want to serve God, but only in an advisory capacity.
Having truth decay? Brush up on your Bible.
Exercise daily. Walk with the Lord.
Coincidence is when God chooses to remain anonymous.
Wisdom has two parts: (1) Having a lot to say. (2) Not saying it.
Never give the devil a ride! He will always want to drive.
Watch your step carefully! Everyone else does.
A clean conscience makes a soft pillow.
Nothing ruins the truth like stretching it.
You can tell how big a person is by what it takes to discourage him.
He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else.
Kindness is difficult to give away because it keeps coming back.
He who angers you controls you.
Worry is the darkroom in which “negatives” are developed.
Give Satan an inch and he’ll be a ruler.
For all you do, His blood’s for you.
Forbidden fruits creates many jams.
Be ye fishers of men. You catch them and He will clean them.
Deciding not to choose is still making a choice.
God doesn’t call the qualified, He qualifies the called.
Is Someone in Heaven Expecting to see you there?
Live For Jesus Now Read the Bible — It Will Scare the Hell Out of You!
God’s been patient… So Far!
Jesus is coming, and boy is he mad!
God allows “U-Turns”
We believe in UFO’s: Unity, Forgiveness and Outreach!
A lot of kneeling will keep you in good standing.
In the sentence of life the devil may be a comma, but NEVER let him be the Period.
If you can’t Sleep, don’t count sheep. Talk to the Shepherd.. Follow the Son.
Atheism is myth-understood
Faith is believing what you know ain’t so!
Adam – a rough Draft
Don’t Believe everything you think…
Support Evolution: 500 thousand Amphibians can’t be wrong.
“Do what ever he tells you to do” Mary
Experience Life At No Cost! Call 1-800-MEET-God
Friends don’t let friends miss out on Heaven!
Go to church. Avoid the Christmas rush.
Next time you think you’re perfect … try walking on water!
I was saved by Body Piercing
In Case of Rapture this car will be unoccupied
Don’t go without the flow
God grades on the cross, not the curve.
A Bible in the hand is worth two in the bookcase.
Blessed by Jesus – Spoiled by my husband.
Bring the children to me — God.
C’mon over and bring the kids — God.
CAUTION! Non-exposure to the Son will cause burning.
CAUTION! God At Work! Person In Progress!
Christians are square… with God.
Christians aren’t perfect… just forgiven.
Darwin Is Dead Jesus Is Alive! Which One Do You Trust With Your Eternal Soul?
Did you thank God today?
Do you have any idea where you’re going?– God.
Don’t follow me, follow Jesus!
Don’t give up. Look up!
Don’t think God has a sense of humor? Look at the platypus.
Don’t worry about tomorrow, God is already there!
Empower yourself, Lean on the Lord.
Enlighten Up!
Even Darwin KNOWS God created earth (now).
Everyone has beauty, but not everyone sees it.
Father God created Mother Earth!
For all you do, His blood’s for you!
Go to church don’t wait for the Hearse to take you.
God gives and forgives, Man gets and forgets!
God is. Any questions?
God loves you whether you like it or not!
God loves you! And I’m really trying.
God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.
GOD RULES – always has. always will.
God says it, I believe it, That settles it.
God spoke, and BANG! It happened!
Going to church does not make you a Christian anymore than going to McDonalds makes you a hamburger.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian anymore that going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
Have a God day!
Have God, will travel!
Have you read my #1 best seller? There’ll be a test — God
Heaven is outa this world!
His pain, our Gain!
I’m under the influence… of God!
I don’t question your existence – GOD.
If you want to get High, try the Lord!
Interface with God: jesus@heaven.net.
Laughter is God’s Sunshine!
Open your Heart, open your Mind, open your Bible!
The Pear Tree
There was a man who had four sons.
He wanted his sons to learn not to Judge things too quickly. So he sent them each on a quest, in turn, to go and look at a pear tree that was a great distance away
The first son went in the Winter, the second in the Spring, the third in Summer and the fourth son in the Fall.
When they had all gone and come back, he called them together to describe what they had seen. The first son said that the tree was ugly, bent and twisted. The second son said, no it was covered with green buds and full of promise. The third son disagreed; he said it was laden with blossoms that smelled so sweet and looked so beautiful; it was the most graceful thing he had ever seen. The last son disagreed with all of them; he said it was ripe and drooping with fruit, full of life and fulfillment
The man then explained to his sons that they were all right, because they had each seen but only one season in the tree’s life.
He told them that you cannot judge a tree, or a person, by only one season and that the essence of who they are and the pleasure, joy and love that come from that life can only be measured at the end, when all seasons are up.
If you give up when it’s Winter, you will miss the promise of your Spring, the beauty of your Summer and the fulfillment of your Fall.
Don’t let the pain of one season destroy the joy of all the rest. Don’t judge life by one difficult season. Persevere through the difficult patches and better times are sure to come some time.
Aspire to inspire before you expire.
Live simply, Love Generously, Care Deeply, Speak Kindly.
Leave the rest to God.
Happiness keeps you sweet, trials keep you strong, sorrows keep you human and failures keep you humble.
Success keeps you glowing.
But only God keeps you going.
A Tribute To My Mother On Mothers Day,(I actually wrote this one)
(I hope Mark doesn’t laugh at this like I did this like I did at his Block of wood/Recipe Holder)
- Although we have no voice in who our earthly parents will be, God does. Before the foundations of the world He knew me and knit me in my mother’s womb.
- God knew that I would need a mom of great faith for I was faithless.
- God knew it would take 36 years of prayers to bring me to faith and he knew she would pray them.
- God knew that I would need a mom of encouragement for he knew I would be fearful.
- God knew I would be teased, picked on and bullied that I needed a mom in my corner that could send me out fighting and she did just that.
- God knew I would need a mom who could teach me to use my gift of Public Speaking, and teach me she did by working with me on my speech to run for class president of Perry Junior High in 7th grade. (I lost, but so didLincolnto Webster) and went on to many, many opportunities to share My Heavenly Father in Public.
- God knew I would need a mom with a medical gift for I would have many illnesses. My mom the Nurse
- a coincidence??????
- God knew I would love the outdoors. So he gave me a mom who wasn’t afraid of snakes or turtles or whatever I brought home with me.
- God knew I would have trouble in school so he gave me a mom who didn’t give up easy.
- God knew that it would be hard to find clothes for someone 6’ 5” 140lbs. He gave me a mom that would search every store in town to find just the right size. (In some cases bright yellow corduroys).
- God knew that my own family would suffer with many emotional hurts and He gave me a mom who had a deep understanding and personal victory in that battle.
- God knew I would need complete unconditional Love in this world that I might understand better His. In 54years I never doubted for one second that my mom Loved me with all her heart.
- He also knew I would need to express myself in writing and I can’t spell or punctuate or use grammar so he gave me a mom who can read this over and fix it…..
- Happy Mothers Day…Love Robby
My grandma’s old cookbook is aged and forlorn.
The pages are grease stained, each faded and worn.
The spine is collapsed and the cover’s askew,
revealing, in no way, what this book could do.
A barrel of cookies, sweet, fresh lemonade,
roasts, casseroles, salads this ancient book made.
It brought love and caring to both young and old,
delivering happiness not bought or sold.
It’s owner and user breathed life to this book,
by sharing herself with each recipe cooked.
True gifts from her heart were delivered with love,
presented on earth for her Father above.
Her gentle, sweet kindness was blended with care.
A silent reminder that she had been there
to welcome your newborn…to ease every ill…
true unselfish gestures of love and goodwill.
So don’t be deceived by the physical book,
but rather… rejoice in the wonderful cook.
Just cherish and honor each frayed, weathered page,
for pure, loving kindness has brought forth its age.
By Jane- Ann Heitmueller
Cleaning Up
I sputtered in frustration. “This makes me so mad!” There was an open jar of peanut butter, a gooey knife on a sticky counter, crumbs and a milk-rimmed glass on the kitchen table. Pity the woman who marries this messy son of mine!
Because my husband was away on a business trip, I had been almost salivating on the way home from work, looking forward to a weekend of solitude in my clean, recently emptied nest. My husband enjoyed having our son use our house as a pit stop, but it had obviously gotten on my nerves big time.
Appalled at the actual taste of bile in my mouth on seeing the unexpected kitchen mess, I realized I had to do something about my ongoing irritation with our twenty-year-old son. I was turning sour. He had recently moved into his own place. Since he didn’t sleep at our house, he felt quite independent. He saw no need to help out, or clean up after himself, but liked to hang out at our house where there was a refrigerator that had food in it.
This is just like when he . . . (blah, blah, blah) . . . I rehearsed, even though I knew the mess in the kitchen was all out of proportion in my mind, being linked to his history of offenses. The silently swallowed irritations were fermenting and if I didn’t find a release one way or another, I was afraid I’d explode. There would have to be a confrontation. I hate confrontation, but I also hated what was happening inside me.
So I planned to make a list of the complaints I had against him, to explain these were things that drove a woman crazy; that he needed to know this if he was ever going to be a good husband. I then visualized that he would apologize. I would forgive him. My anger would be gone. It seemed like a reasonable plan. I made my list: seven years of suppressed frustration – I thought of thirty-six complaints.
For a physical release of my tension, I went on a long walk; list in hand, my feet pounding out a prayer for God’s help in the upcoming confrontation with my son.
Tiring, I slowed down my frustrated striding in order to tune in to a familiar, still, small voice. And suddenly I had a quite different confrontation.
I WANT YOU TO FORGIVE HIM FOR EVERY OFFENSE. Oh Lord, I will as soon as he understands what he’s done that is so offensive.
I WANT Y0U TO FORGIVE HIM RIGHT NOW AND TEAR UP THE LIST. But, but Lord, I mentally sputtered, I can’t do that yet because then he will never know what he’s doing wrong.
THAT’S BETWEEN HIM AND ME. THIS IS BETWEEN YOU AND ME.
I can’t, I groaned, my heart and feet heavy with weariness from carrying a full load of bitterness. Traffic roared in the distance, but in my head was the roar of a lion, trying to drown the still, small, but commanding voice. How could I just let go of the multitude of past offenses and future expectations? Help me, Lord, I don’t know how to get rid of them.
GIVE THEM TO ME. Even without his knowing how much I’m forgiving? YES, GIVE THEM TO ME. So, reluctantly, slowly, but obediently, I tore the list into shreds. Immediately, the roar was like a flood wiping my son’s slate clean, washing from my memory all but the one small kitchen mess. I felt like I’d lost a literal twenty-pound burden that I had allowed to pile up during my son’s teenage years. I almost floated home.
I did a lot of pruning of shrubbery that weekend. There was much that needed to be dumped. However, I had no way of hauling it away, so I piled it in the front yard.
My son dropped by later that weekend and I was secretly pleased at not feeling irritated, and instead, actually glad to see him. But I was dumbstruck with awe, when he said, “I see you’ve been cleaning up the yard. I’ll take that stuff to the dump for you tomorrow, if you want.”
“Why, thank you!” I said. “That would be a great help.”
Little did he know how great was that help in affirming that my struggle was not with him. Looking back, I realize my irritability truly is between God and me. God continually uses my irritability to make me more dependent on Him. It seems we are never quite independent. God removed the bitterness towards my son, but there will always be irritants in my life. However, God says His power is best seen in our weakness. So, since I can’t get rid of irritation, I’m depending on God to do the dumping, not my son.
Incidentally, ten years later, my beautiful daughter-in-law told me, without my asking, that my son is a very thoughtful, considerate, responsible husband. by Linda Lawrence
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
“So, you would like to interview me?” God asked.
“If you have the time,” I said.
God smiled. “My time is eternity; what questions do you have in mind to ask
me?”
“What surprises you most about humankind?”
God answered: “That they get bored with childhood — they rush to grow up and then long to be children again.
That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to
restore their health.
That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present,
such that they live neither the present nor the future.
That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived…”
God’s hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked…
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to
learn?”
God replied with a smile: “To learn that they cannot make anyone love
them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.
To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but who they have in their lives.
To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others.
To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least.
To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in
persons one loves, and that it may take many years to heal them.
To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness.
To learn that there are persons who love them dearly, but simply do not
know how to express or show their feelings.
To learn that money can buy everything but happiness. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it very differently.
To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others,
but that they must also forgive themselves.
And to learn that I am here — always.”
A FATHER’S DAY TO REMEMBER
At the stroke of ten on Saturday night I received a phone call from Sean, then 15, to tell us he was stuck at his friend Dan’s house, because Dan, who was planning on driving him home was still working on his car. “Be sure and tell Dad I called.” I offered to pick Sean up, but he said Dan would bring him home as soon as he got the car running. “Be sure and tell Dad I called,” he repeated.
“O.K.”
Carl had gone to bed, but was awake and when I gave him the message he startled me with his quiet, “He’s lying.”
“No, no, he told me where he is.”
“No, he’s lying. When the phone rang, I knew it would be Sean and he would lie.”
Frustrated, I said, “Well, why didn’t you answer the phone then?” But he didn’t say anything. “Oh Carl, I’m sure you’re wrong. If it will help you sleep, I’ll drive over to Dan’s and get him.” His look told me to go if I wanted, but Sean wouldn’t be there. His gift of discernment could be disconcerting at times.
Annoyed that my quiet evening was being interrupted, I grabbed the keys and headed for Dan’s.
Sadly, Carl was right. The house and garage were dark, with no sign of anyone working on a car. Driving home, I begged God to keep Carl from confronting Sean in a way that would aggravate Sean’s growing teen-age defensiveness. Carl had every reason to be upset, but I could just see anger in Carl making Sean angry in return, rushing them to an impasse. Please, God, give Carl wisdom and self-control and help Sean to give up any unjustified defense. Pulling into our driveway, I saw Carl, dressed, and sitting on the front steps – waiting. There was little I could say. Carl said he was going to stay where he was and see who actually brought Sean home.
I went inside, my stomach in turmoil. The living room was peaceful, quiet. I sat to wait, next to a small pile of gifts on the loveseat. They were gifts from Shannon and Sean for Carl. Tomorrow was Father’s Day.
Shannon, 18, arrived home around 11 o’clock, got the gist of what was happening from her Dad before coming in to talk to me. “Mom, I know you and you will blame yourself for this. This is not your fault. Kids don’t set out planning to hurt their parents. They just do stupid things without even thinking about their parents. So don’t start blaming yourself!” I had not begun my usual guilt trip yet, butShannonknew that would be coming.
“O.K.” I said, taking her admonition to heart. We settled in to wait for whatever was next. Finally, after midnight, we heard a car stop outside. Shannonhad her ear to the door, but could hear nothing except the car leaving. Several minutes passed, with only indistinguishable talking outside, before we heard Carl and Sean approach the door. Shannonhurried to join me on the other end of the couch, trying to look nonchalant.
This is when an extraordinary thing happened that no one else noticed or could even see. Gradually, I became conscious of being suspended at ceiling level, looking down on what was happening, and somehow I knew I was watching God’s hands working invisible strings, controlling everything that was happening. Is it possible to feel peace and excitement at the same time? God was in control and that was both exciting and incredibly peaceful.
I watched Carl sit down next to the stacked gifts on the loveseat, and solemnly announce, “Sean has something to say.”
Sean, standing with bowed head, said, “I lied about where I was. I was with Gil and his girlfriend. I’m sorry.” (Gil was a college-age friend we thought we could trust.)
“Tell them the rest,” Carl said.
Sean whispered, eyes lowered, “I had a beer.” Having finally confessed all, Sean fell into a miserable heap in the corner rocker. Having a beer may not seem like a big deal, but in our house, for a 15-year-old, it was a big deal and Sean knew it.
Shannon and I were expecting Carl to lower the boom in some way, but no one said a word. There seemed nothing more to say, since Sean had admitted his crime right up front, and was obviously remorseful.
Peacefully floating above, I watched the scene below with great interest. I saw “me” in my body struggling to keep from grinning because I was thrilled with the lack of conflict and blame. My prayer was being answered.
Carl stood, sweeping his hand toward the gifts, saying quietly, “I can’t take these. I failed as a father, since you thought you had to lie. I don’t know what I’ll do tomorrow – maybe go for a long drive to figure out what I did wrong – but I can’t celebrate Father’s Day.”
Sean’s head shot up. “It wasn’t you. It was me!” he sobbed. “It wasn’t you! It wasn’t you!” Bending over again, head in his hands, he cried convulsively, “It wasn’t you, it was me. . .”
Carl fought to control his tears and grief over Sean’s weakness when tempted. His mouth trembled as he lost the battle. Seeing their tears,Shannonbegan to cry.
“I hope you can see sin doesn’t hurt just you.” Carl said as he stood up. Turning to look at each of us in turn, he said, “It hurts all of us. You’re crying. I’m crying. Shannon’s crying. Your mother’s crying. . . on the inside,” he added as he noticed my dry eyes.
I can’t cry, I said to myself, because I’m too happy with what is happening here. Sean has sinned, but he is truly repentant. He’s not crying because he got caught, he’s crying because he knows he hurt his Dad and he’s grieving. Sean has no defensiveness. None whatsoever! And Carl has humbly, meekly, chosen to share Sean’s shame with him, carrying part of the blame, instead of angrily rebuking him. Carl had been given wisdom and self-control.
Not knowing what else to say, Carl put his hand on Sean’s heaving shoulder, squeezed it and went off to bed. Sean couldn’t stop crying, so he went to his room and closed the door. Shannon and I went to the kitchen table.
I don’t remember if I toldShannonabout my feeling of floating above the room, but I’m sure I told her about feeling peaceful about what was happening, sure that God was in control.
We could hear Sean in his room, still sobbing as though his heart were broken. Shannon, full of compassion, asked if she could try to comfort him.
“Of course,” I told her, “go ahead.” He was mourning over his sin, so we felt free, even eager, to comfort him. Shannontried, but soon came back saying he would not be comforted.
Then we heard the front door. Sean was outside, walking up the street. I ran after him, put my arms around him (smelled the beer) and said, “It’s alright Sean. It’s O.K. We love you.”
Stiff, unable to receive my affection, he looked me in the eye, pathetically and said, “I’ve got to walk, Mom. I’ve just got to walk.”
“O.K., but come home soon. Know we love you.”
Just as I was going into the house, Carl was coming out, dressed again.
“Honey,’ I said, “he says he needs to walk. He’ll be O.K. Let him go.”
“I will, but I want to be sure he’s safe.” So, as Sean strode around the block, walking off the tension and grief and shame, his father followed in the shadows, lovingly keeping watch.
Finally, we were each in bed, behind our closed doors. Carl whispered, “What should I do about morning, now?”
“I don’t know. Everything’s O.K., isn’t it?” We sighed, unsure if we had heard or seen the final stroke, but eventually fell asleep.
In the morning, there was a note for us from Sean, slid under our door. I’m sorry I hurt you. Please forgive me. . .
We went to church, had dinner, opened gifts, spoke gently to each other all day, feeling like we had inherited the earth.
I think the Heavenly Father celebrated that Father’s Day.
A Nun asked her class to write a letter to God.
Dear God:
Instead of letting people die and making new ones, why don’t you just keep the ones you have? Johnny
Dear God:
In school they told us what You do. Who does it when you are on vacation?
Jane
Dear God:
I read the Bible. what does “beget” mean? Nobody will tell me. Love, Allison
Dear God:
Are You really invisible or is it just a trick? Lucy
Dear God:
Is it true my father won’t get into Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? Anita
Dear God:
Did You mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? Norma
Dear God:
Who draws the lines around the countries? Nan
Dear God:
I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? Neil
Dear God:
Did You really mean “do unto others as they do unto you”? Because if you did, then I’m going to fix my brother. Darla
Dear God:
Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. Joyce
Dear God:
Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before. You can look it up.
Bruce
Dear God:
If we come back as something – Please don’t let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.
Denise
Dear God:
I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
Sam
Dear God:
I think the stapler is one of Your greatest inventions.
Ruth
Dear God:
I think about You sometimes even when I’m not praying.
Elliot
Dear God:
Of all the people who work for You I like Noah and David best.
Rob
Dear God:
My brother told me about being born but it doesn’t sound right. They’re just kidding, aren’t they?
Marsha
Dear God:
I would like to live for 900 years like that guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris
Dear God:
We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stole Your idea.
Sincerely, Donna
Dear God:
I didn’t think orange went with purple until I saw the sunset You made
on Tuesday. That was cool.
Sara
Hands!
A basketball in my hands is worth about $19.
A basketball in Michael Jordan’s hands is worth about $33 million.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
A baseball in my hands is worth about $6.
A baseball in Roger Clements’ hands is worth $475 million.
It depends on whose hands it’s in.
A tennis racket is useless in my hands.
A tennis racket in Andre Agassi’s hands is worth millions.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
A rod in my hands will keep away an angry dog.
A rod in Moses’ hands will part the mighty sea.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
A slingshot in my hands is a kid’s toy.
A slingshot in David’s hand is a mighty weapon.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches.
Two fish and 5 loaves of bread in Jesus’ hands will feed thousands.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse.
Nails in Jesus Christ’s hands will
Produce salvation for the entire world.
It depends whose hands it’s in.
As you see now , it depends whose hands it’s in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes,
your dreams, your families and your relationships in God’s hands because…
It depends whose hands it’s in.
This message is now in YOUR hands.
What will YOU do with it?
It Depends on WHOSE Hands it’s in!
An Old Farmer’s Advice:
* Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong. *
*Keep skunks and bankers at a distance.*
*Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.*
* A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.*
* Words that soak into your ears are whispered…not yelled.*
* Meanness don’t jes’ happen overnight.*
* Forgive your enemies. It messes up their heads.*
* Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you.*
* It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.*
* You cannot unsay a cruel word.*
* Every path has a few puddles.*
* When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.*
* The best sermons are lived, not preached.
* Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.*
* Don’t judge folks by their relatives.*
* Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer.*
* Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.*
* Don’t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t bothering you none.*
* Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a Rain dance.*
* If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.*
* Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.*
* The biggest troublemaker you’ll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin’.*
* Always drink upstream from the herd.*
* Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.*
* Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.*
* If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.*
* Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply.*
*Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.*
–
EXPLANATION OF GOD:
By an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista, CA. He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to ‘explain God.’ I wonder if any of us could have done as well. [And he had such an assignment, in California, and someone published it, I guess miracles do happen! ]
‘One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.’
‘God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.’
‘God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn’t go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad’s head asking for something they said you couldn’t have.’
‘Atheists are people who don’t believe in God. I don’t think there are any in Chula Vista . At least there aren’t any who come to our church.’
‘Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn’t want to learn about God. They finally got tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn’t know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.’
‘His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn’t have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.’
‘You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.’
‘You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God!
Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.’
‘If you don’t believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can’t go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He’s around you when you’re scared, in the dark or when you can’t swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.’
‘But…you shouldn’t just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases..
And…that’s why I believe in God.’
Why was Jesus born in a manger?
Luke 2:7 “and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.”
Have you ever stopped to consider why God allowed His only son to be born in a lowly manger? Could not an omniscient, loving, all powerful God have arranged a room at the inn? Or even better, could he not arrange for Jesus to be born in a palace with midwives, servants and clean water? Can you imagine bringing your wife into an animal stall to give birth, in the dark, without help? Can you imagine wrapping your son in swaddling cloth to protect his skin from the hay and placing him in a feed trough as a makeshift cradle? Rest assured, the author of all creation did not fall asleep at the wheel and overlook the hardship that this was to the parents. This choice was deliberate with a clear intentionality and purpose.
Many know that Micah prophesied that the Messiah would be born inBethlehem:
Micah 5:2 “But you, Bethlehem Ephrathah, though you are small among the clans of Judah, out of you will come for me one who will be ruler over Israel, whose origins are from of old, from ancient times.” This was understood by the Pharisees at the time of Jesus and is referred to in several gospel accounts (Matt 2:5, John 7:42). God arranged for Joseph and Mary to be inBethlehemin response to the Roman census. Buy whyBethlehem? It might be tempting to conclude that it was to honor David. It is likely that the shepherds in the fields ofBethlehemwere raising lambs in the very fields that King David, as a boy watched over his sheep and composed Psalms to honor his God. In fact the shepherds may have been on the same land that Boaz redeemed for Naomi and passed on to his son Jesse, David’s father. However, I contend that this is not the reason for choosingBethlehem.
Many do not realize that Micah further prophesied that kingship would come to the “Daughter of Jerusalem” at Migdal Eder: Micah 4:8 “As for you, O watchtower of the flock [Hebrew Migdal Eder], O stronghold of the Daughter of Zion, the former dominion will be restored to you; kingship will come to the Daughter of Jerusalem.” Migdal Eder was a watchtower located in the northern part ofBethlehem built to protect theTemple flocks.1 “During lambing season the sheep were brought there from the fields, as the lower level functioned as the birthing room for sacrificial lambs.”2 Priestly shepherds “would wrap the newborn lambs in swaddling clothes” and place them in a manger “until they calmed down”3 to keep them “without defect”4, suitable to be sacrificial lambs for the sin of the Israelites.Bethlehem was special because the shepherds in the fields ofBethlehem raised lambs for the Jewish temple inJerusalem. The shepherds who heard the angelic choir and came to see the baby Jesus were certainly familiar with the technique to birth a sacrificial lamb, and were likely puzzled by why a baby was birthed in the manner and location of a sacrificial lamb. In fact the angels did not have to tell the shepherds precisely where to go inBethlehem to find Jesus, because there was only one manger where sacrificial lambs were birthed, the cave under the watchtower ofMigdal Where was the birthplace of the Lord Jesus?
With hindsight we can clearly see that the manner of Jesus’ birth foreshadowed the purpose for Jesus coming into the world:
John 1:29 “The next day John saw Jesus coming toward him and said, “Look, the Lamb of God, who takes away the sin of the world!””
1 Peter 1:18-20 For you know that it was not with perishable things such as silver or gold that you were redeemed from the empty way of life handed down to you from your forefathers, but with the precious blood of Christ, a lamb without blemish or defect. He was chosen before the creation of the world, but was revealed in these last times for your sake.
Before Jesus had taken his first breath God had decided that his life was to be given as a sacrifice to pay the penalty for our sins. God testified to his intent by having Jesus be born in the manner and location of the sacrificial lambs of the temple just as the prophet Micah proclaimed.
Cemetery Escort Duty
I just wanted to get the day over with and go down to Smokey’s. Sneaking a look at my watch, I saw the time, 1655. Five minutes to go before the cemetery gates are closed for the day. Full dress was hot in the August sun. Oklahoma summertime was as bad as ever–the heat and humidity at the same level–both too high.
I saw the car pull into the drive, ’69 or ’70 model Cadillac Deville, looked factory-new. It pulled into the parking lot at a snail’s pace. An old woman got out so slow I thought she was paralyzed; she had a cane and a sheaf of flowers–about four or five bunches as best I could tell.
I couldn’t help myself. The thought came unwanted, and left a slightly bitter taste: ’She’s going to spend an hour, and for this old soldier, my hip hurts like hell and I’m ready to get out of here right now!’ But for this day, my duty was to assist anyone coming in.
Kevin would lock the ‘In’ gate and if I could hurry the old biddy along, we might make it to Smokey’s in time.
I broke post attention. My hip made gritty noises when I took the first step and the pain went up a notch. I must have made a real military sight: middle-aged man with a small pot gut and half a limp, in marine full-dress uniform, which had lost its razor crease about thirty minutes after I began the watch at the cemetery.
I stopped in front of her, halfway up the walk. She looked up at me with an old woman’s squint.
‘Ma’am,may I assist you in any way?’
She took long enough to answer.
‘Yes, son. Can you carry these flowers? I seem to be moving a tad slow these days.’
‘My pleasure, ma’am.’ Well, it wasn’t too much of a lie.
She looked again. ’Marine, where were you stationed?’
‘ Vietnam, ma’am. Ground-pounder. ’69 to ’71.’
She looked at me closer. ’Wounded in action, I see. Well done, Marine. I’ll be as quick as I can.’
I lied a little bigger: ’No hurry, ma’am.’
She smiled and winked at me. ’Son, I’m 85-years-old and I can tell a lie from a long way off. Let’s get this done. Might be the last time I can do this. My name’s Joanne Wieserman, and I’ve a few Marines I’d like to see one more time.’
‘Yes, ma ‘am. At your service.’
She headed for the World War I section, stopping at a stone She picked one of the flowers out of my arm and laid it on top of the stone. She murmured something I couldn’t quite make out. The name on the marble was Donald S. Davidson, USMC: France 1918.
She turned away and made a straight line for the World War II section, stopping at one stone. I saw a tear slowly tracking its way down her cheek. She put a bunch on a stone; the name was Stephen X.Davidson, USMC, 1943.
She went up the row a ways and laid another bunch on a stone, Stanley J. Wieserman, USMC, 1944.
She paused for a second. ’Two more, son, and we’ll be done’
I almost didn’t say anything, but, ‘Yes, ma’am. Take your time.’
She looked confused. ‘Where’s the Vietnam section, son? I seem to have lost my way.’
I pointed with my chin. ’That way, ma’am.’
‘Oh!’ she chuckled quietly. ’Son, me and old age ain’t too friendly.’
She headed down the walk I’d pointed at. She stopped at a couple of stones before she found the ones she wanted. She placed a bunch on Larry Wieserman, USMC, 1968, and the last on Darrel Wieserman, USMC, 1970. She stood there and murmured a few words I still couldn’t make out.
‘OK, son, I’m finished. Get me back to my car and you can go home.’
Yes, ma’am. If I may ask, were those your kinfolk?’
She paused. ‘Yes, Donald Davidson was my father, Stephen was my uncle, Stanley was my husband, Larry and Darrel were our sons. All killed in action, all marines.’
She stopped. Whether she had finished, or couldn’t finish, I don’t know. She made her way to her car, slowly and painfully.
I waited for a polite distance to come between us and then double-timed it over to Kevin, waiting by the car.
‘Get to the ‘Out’ gate quick. I have something I’ve got to do.’
Kevin started to say something, but saw the look I gave him. He broke the rules to get us there down the service road. We beat her. She hadn’t made it around the rotunda yet.
‘Kevin, stand at attention next to the gatepost. Follow my lead.’ I humped it across the drive to the other post.
When the Cadillac came puttering around from the hedges and began the short straight traverse to the gate, I called in my best gunny’s voice: ’TehenHut! Present Haaaarms!’
I have to hand it to Kevin; he never blinked an eye–full dress attention and a salute that would make his DI proud.
She drove through that gate with two old worn-out soldiers giving her a send-off she deserved, for service rendered to her country, and for knowing duty, honor and sacrifice.
I am not sure, but I think I saw a salute returned from that Cadillac.
Instead of ‘The End,’ just think of ‘Taps.’
As a final thought on my part, let me share a favorite prayer: ‘Lord, keep our servicemen and women safe, whether they serve at home or overseas. Hold them in your loving hands and protect them as they protect us.’
Let’s all keep those currently serving and those who have gone before in our thoughts. They are the reason for the many freedoms we enjoy.
‘In God We Trust.’
Sorry about your monitor; it made mine blurry too!
If we ever forget that we’re one nation under God, then we will be a nation gone under!
“THE OLD PHONE”
When I was quite young, my father had one of the first telephones in our neighborhood. I remember the polished, old case fastened to the wall. The shiny receiver hung on the side of the box. I was too little to reach the telephone, but used to listen with fascination when my mother talked to it.
Then I discovered that somewhere inside the wonderful device lived an amazing person. Her name was “Information Please” and there was nothing she did not know. Information Please could supply anyone’s number and the correct time
My personal experience with the genie-in-a-bottle came one day while my mother was visiting a neighbor. Amusing myself at the tool bench in the basement, I whacked my finger with a hammer, the pain was terrible, but there seemed no point in crying because there was no one home to give sympathy.
I walked around the house sucking my throbbing finger, finally arriving at the stairway. The telephone! Quickly, I ran for the footstool in the parlor and dragged it to the landing. Climbing up, I unhooked the receiver in the parlor and held it to my ear. “Information, please” I said into the mouthpiece just above my head. A click or two and a small clear voice spoke into my ear. “Information.”
“I hurt my finger…” I wailed into the phone, the tears came
readily enough now that I had an audience.
“Isn’t your mother home?” came the question.
“Nobody’s home but me,” I blubbered.
“Are you bleeding?” the voice asked.
“No,” I replied. “I hit my finger with the hammer and it hurts.”
“Can you open the icebox?” she asked.
I said I could.
“Then chip off a little bit of ice and hold it to your finger,” said the voice.
After that, I called “Information Please” for everything. I asked her for help with my geography, and she told me where Philadelphia was. She helped me with my math.
She told me my pet chipmunk that I had caught in the park just the day before, would eat fruit and nuts.
Then, there was the time Petey, our pet canary, died. I called, Information Please,” and told her the sad story. She listened, and then said things grown-ups say to soothe a child. But I was not consoled. I asked her, “Why is it that birds should sing so beautifully and bring joy to all families, only to end up as a heap of feathers on the bottom of a cage?”
She must have sensed my deep concern, for she said quietly, “Wayne always remember that there are other worlds to sing in.”
Somehow I felt better.Another day I was on the telephone, “Information Please.” “Information,” said in the now familiar voice. “How do I spell fix?” I asked.
All this took place in a small town in the Pacific Northwest. When I was nine years old, we moved across the country to Boston I missed my friend very much. “Information Please” belonged in that old wooden box back home and I somehow never thought of trying the shiny new phone that sat on the table in the hall. As I grew into my teens, the memories of those childhood conversations never really left me.Often, in moments of doubt and perplexity I would recall the serene sense of security I had then. I appreciated now how patient, understanding, and kind she was to have spent her time on a little boy.
A few years later, on my way west to college, my plane put down in Seattle. I had about a half-hour or so between planes. I spent 15 minutes or so on the phone with my sister, who lived there now. Then without thinking what I was doing, I dialed my hometown operator and said, “Information Please.”
Miraculously, I heard the small, clear voice I knew so well “Information.”
I hadn’t planned this, but I heard myself saying, “Could you please tell me how to spell fix?” There was a long pause. Then came the soft spoken answer, “I guess your finger must have healed by now.”
I laughed, “So it’s really you,” I said. “I wonder if you have any idea how much you meant to me during that time?”
I wonder,” she said, “if you know how much your call meant to me. I never had any children and I used to look forward to your calls.”
I told her how often I had thought of her over the years and I asked if I could call her again when I came back to visit my sister.
“Please do”, she said. “Just ask for Sally.”
Three months later I was back in Seattle. A different voice answered, “Information.” I asked for Sally.
“Are you a friend?” she said.
“Yes, a very old friend,” I answered.
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this,” she said. “Sally had been working part-time the last few years because she was sick. She died five weeks ago.” Before I could hang up she said, “Wait a minute, did you say your name was Wayne?” “Yes.” I answered.
“Well, Sally left a message for you. She wrote it down in case you called.
Let me read it to you. “The note said, “Tell him there are other worlds to sing in. He’ll know what I mean.”
I thanked her and hung up. I knew what Sally meant.
Never underestimate the impression you may make on others.
Whose life have you touched today?
Why not pass this on? I just did….
Lifting you on eagle’s wings, may you find the joy and peace you long for.
Life is a journey … NOT a guided tour.
I loved this story and just had to pass it on. I hope you enjoy it and get a blessing from it just as I did!
The Crocheted tablecloth
The brand new pastor and his wife, newly assigned to their first ministry, to reopen a church in suburbanBrooklyn, arrived in early October excited about their opportunities when they saw their church, it was very run down and needed much work. They set a goal to have every thing done in time to have their first service on Christmas Eve.
They worked hard, repairing pews, plastering walls, painting, etc, and on December 18 were ahead of schedule and just about finished. On December 19 a terrible tempest – a driving rainstorm hit the area and lasted for two days. On the 21st, the pastor went over to the church. His heart sank when he saw that the roof had leaked, causing a large area of plaster about 20 feet by 8 feet to fall off the front wall of the sanctuary just behind the pulpit, beginning about head high.
The pastor cleaned up the mess on the floor, and not knowing what else to do but postpone the Christmas Eve service, headed home. On the way he noticed that a local business was having a flea market type sale for charity so he stopped in. One of the items was a beautiful, handmade, ivory colored, crocheted tablecloth with exquisite work, fine colors and a Cross embroidered right in the center. It was just the right size to cover up the hole in the front wall. He bought it and headed back to the church. By this time it had started to snow. An older woman running from the opposite direction was trying to catch the bus. She missed it. The pastor invited her to wait in the warm church for the next bus 45 minutes later.
She sat in a pew and paid no attention to the pastor while he got a ladder, hangers, etc., to put up the tablecloth as a wall tapestry. The pastor could hardly believe how beautiful it looked and it covered up the entire problem area. Then he noticed the woman walking down the center aisle. Her face was like a sheet.
‘Pastor,’ she asked, ‘where did you get that tablecloth?’ The pastor explained. The woman asked him to check the lower right corner to see if the initials, EBG were crocheted into it there.. They were. These were the initials of the woman, and she had made this tablecloth 35 years before, inAustria
The woman could hardly believe it as the pastor told how he had just gotten the Tablecloth. The woman explained that before the war she and her husband were well-to-do people in Austria When the Nazis came, she was forced to leave.
Her husband was going to follow her the next week. He was captured, sent to prison and never saw her husband or her home again. The pastor wanted to give her the tablecloth; but she made the pastor keep it for the church.
The pastor insisted on driving her home that was the least he could do. She lived on the other side of Staten Island and was only inBrooklyn for the day for a housecleaning job.
What a wonderful service they had on Christmas Eve. The church was almost full. The music and the spirit were great. At the end of the service, the pastor and his wife greeted everyone at the door and many said that they would return. One older man, whom the pastor recognized from the neighborhood continued to sit in one of the pews and stare, and the pastor wondered why he wasn’t leaving.
The man asked him where he got the tablecloth on the front wall because it was identical to one that his wife had made years ago when they lived inAustriabefore the war and how could there be two tablecloths so much alike. He told the pastor how the Nazis came, how he forced his wife to flee for her safety and he was supposed to follow her, but he was arrested and put in a prison.. He never saw his wife or his home again all the 35 years in between.
The pastor asked him if he would allow him to take him for a little ride. They drove toStaten Islandand to the same house where the pastor had taken the woman three days earlier. He helped the man climb the three flights of stairs to the woman’s apartment, knocked on the door and he saw the greatest Christmas reunion he could ever imagine.
True Story – submitted by Pastor Rob Reid
ONE OF THE BEST STORIES I’VE EVER HEARD
As she stood in front of her 5th grade class on the very first day of school, she told the children an untruth. Like most teachers, she looked at her students and said that she loved them all the same. However, that was impossible, because there in the front row, slumped in his seat, was a little boy named Teddy Stoddard.
Mrs. Thompson had watched Teddy the year before and noticed that he did not play well with the other children, that his clothes were messy and that he constantly needed a bath. In addition, Teddy could be unpleasant. It got to the point where Mrs. Thompson would actually take delight in marking his papers with a broad red pen, making bold X’s and then putting a big ‘F’ at the top of his papers.
At the school where Mrs. Thompson taught, she was required to review each child’s past records and she put Teddy’s off until last. However, when she reviewed his file, she was in for a surprise.
Teddy’s first grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is a bright child with a ready laugh. He does his work neatly and has good manners… He is a joy to be around..’
His second grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is an excellent student, well liked by his classmates, but he is troubled because his mother has a terminal illness and life at home must be a struggle.’
His third grade teacher wrote, ‘His mother’s death has been hard on him. He tries to do his best, but his father doesn’t show much interest, and his home life will soon affect him if some steps aren’t taken.’
Teddy’s fourth grade teacher wrote, ‘Teddy is withdrawn and doesn’t show much interest in school. He doesn’t have many friends and he sometimes sleeps in class.’
By now, Mrs. Thompson realized the problem and she was ashamed of herself. She felt even worse when her students brought her Christmas presents, wrapped in beautiful ribbons and bright paper, except for Teddy’s. His present was clumsily wrapped in the heavy, brown paper that he got from a grocery bag. Mrs. Thompson took pains to open it in the middle of the other presents. Some of the children started to laugh when she found a rhinestone bracelet with some of the stones missing, and a bottle that was one-quarter full of perfume.. But she stifled the children’s laughter when she exclaimed how pretty the bracelet was, putting it on, and dabbing some of the perfume on her wrist. Teddy Stoddard stayed after school that day just long enough to say, ‘Mrs. Thompson, today you smelled just like my Mom used to.’
After the children left, she cried for at least an hour. On that very day, she quit teaching reading, writing and arithmetic. Instead, she began to teach children. Mrs. Thompson paid particular attention to Teddy. As she worked with him, his mind seemed to come alive. The more she encouraged him, the faster he responded. By the end of the year, Teddy had become one of the smartest children in the class and, despite her lie that she would love all the children the same, Teddy became one of her ‘teacher’s pets..’
A year later, she found a note under her door, from Teddy, telling her that she was the best teacher he ever had in his whole life.
Six years went by before she got another note from Teddy. He then wrote that he had finished high school, third in his class, and she was still the best teacher he ever had in life.
Four years after that, she got another letter, saying that while things had been tough at times, he’d stayed in school, had stuck with it, and would soon graduate from college with the highest of honors. He assured Mrs. Thompson that she was still the best and favorite teacher he had ever had in his whole life.
Then four more years passed and yet another letter came. This time he explained that after he got his bachelor’s degree, he decided to go a little further. The letter explained that she was still the best and favorite teacher he ever had. But now his name was a little longer…. The letter was signed, Theodore F. Stoddard, MD.
The story does not end there. You see, there was yet another letter that spring. Teddy said he had met this girl and was going to be married. He explained that his father had died a couple of years ago and he was wondering if Mrs. Thompson might agree to sit at the wedding in the place that was usually reserved for the mother of the groom. Of course, Mrs. Thompson did. And guess what? She wore that bracelet, the one with several rhinestones missing. Moreover, she made sure she was wearing the perfume that Teddy remembered his mother wearing on their last Christmas together.
They hugged each other, and Dr. Stoddard whispered in Mrs. Thompson’s ear, ‘Thank you Mrs. Thompson for believing in me. Thank you so much for making me feel important and showing me that I could make a difference.’
Mrs. Thompson, with tears in her eyes, whispered back.. She said, ’Teddy, you have it all wrong. You were the one who taught me that I could make a difference. I didn’t know how to teach until I met you.’
(For you that don’t know, Teddy Stoddard is the Dr at Iowa Methodist inDes Moinesthat has the Stoddard Cancer Wing.)
SCARS OF LIFE
Some years ago,
on a hot summer day inSouth Florida, a little boy
decided to go for a swim in the old swimming hole
behind his house. In a hurry to dive into the cool water,
he ran out the back door, leaving behind shoes, socks,
and shirt as he went. He flew into the water,
not realizing that as he swam toward the middle of
the lake, an alligator was swimming toward the shore.
His father, working in the yard, saw the two as they got closer and closer together. In utter fear, he ran toward the water, yelling to his son as loudly as he could.
Hearing his voice, the little boy became alarmed and made a U-turn to swim to his father. It was too late. Just as he reached his father, the alligator reached him. From the dock, the father grabbed his little boy by the arms just as the alligator snatched his legs. That began an incredible tug-of-war between the two. The alligator was much stronger than the father, but the father was much
too passionate to let go.
A farmer happened to drive by, heard his screams, raced from his truck,
took aim and shot the alligator.
Remarkably, after weeks and weeks in the hospital,
the little boy survived. His legs were extremely scarred by the vicious attack of the animal. And, on his arms, were deep scratches where his father’s fingernails dug into his flesh in his effort to hang on to the son he loved.
The newspaper reporter who interviewed the boy after the trauma,
asked if he would show him his scars. The boy lifted his pant legs. And then, with obvious pride, he said to the reporter, But look at my arms. I have great scars
on my arms, too. I have them because my Dad wouldn’t let go.’
You and I can identify with that little boy. We have scars, too. No, not from an alligator, but the scars of a painful past. Some of those scars are unsightly and have
caused us deep regret. But, some wounds, my friend, are because God has refused
to let go.
In the midst of your struggle, He’s been there holding on to you.
Back in the 50′s there was a well known radio host/comedian/song writer in Hollywood named
Stuart Hamblen who was noted for his drinking, womanizing, partying, etc.
One of his bigger hits at the time was “I won’t go hunting with you Jake,
but I’ll go chasing women.” One day, along came a young preacher holding a tent revival. Hamblen had him on his radio show .In order to gather more material for his show, Hamblen showed up at one of the revival meetings.
Early in the service the preacher announced, “There is one man in this audience who is a big fake.”
There were probably others who thought the same thing, but Hamblen was convinced that he was the one the preacher was talking about (some would call that conviction) but he was having none of that.
Still the words continued to haunt him until a couple of nights later he showed up drunk at the preacher’s
hotel door around 2AM demanding that the preacher pray for him!
But the preacher refused, saying, “This is between you and God
and I’m not going to get in the middle of it.”
But he did invite Stuart in and they talked until about 5 AM at which point Stuart dropped to his
knees and with tears, cried out to God.
But that is not the end of the story. Stuart quit drinking, quit chasing women, quit everything that was ‘fun.’ Soon he began to lose favour with the Hollywood crowd.
He was ultimately fired by the radio station when he refused to accept a beer company as a sponsor.
Hard times were upon him.. He tried writing a couple of “Christian” songs but the only one that had
much success was “This Old House”, written for his friend Rosemary Clooney.
As he continued to struggle, a long time friend named John took him aside and told him,
“All your troubles started when you ‘got relig ion,’ was it worth it all?”
Stuart answered simply, “Yes.”
Then his friend asked, “You liked your booze so much, don’t you ever miss it?” And his answer was,
“No.” John then said, “I don’t understand how you could give it up so easily.”
And Stuart’s response was, “It’s no big secret. All things are possible with God.”
To this John said, “That’s a catchy phrase. You should write a song about it.”
And as they say, “The rest is history.”
The song Carl Stuart Hamblen wrote was “It Is No Secret.” “It is no secret what God can do.
What He’s done for others, He’ll do for you.
With arms wide open, He’ll welcome you.
It is no secret, what God can do….”
By the way… the friend was John Wayne.
And the young preacher who refused to pray for Stuart Hamblen?
…That was Billy Graham.
Share this with your friends …. I did
INTERVIEW WITH GOD:
I dreamed I had an interview with God.
“Come in,” God said. “So, you would like to interview Me?”
“If you have the time,” I said.
God smiled and said: “My time is eternity and is enough to do everything; what questions do you have in mind to ask me?”
“What surprises you most about mankind?”
God answered: “That they get bored of being children, are in a rush to grow up, and then long to be children again.
That they lose their health to make money and then lose their money to restore their health.
That by thinking anxiously about the future, they forget the present, such that they live neither for the present nor the future.
That they live as if they will never die, and they die as if they had never lived…”
God’s hands took mine and we were silent for while and then I asked…
“As a parent, what are some of life’s lessons you want your children to learn?
God replied with a smile:
“To learn that they cannot make anyone love them. What they can do is to let themselves be loved.
To learn that what is most valuable is not what they have in their lives, but whom they have in their lives. To learn that it is not good to compare themselves to others. All will be judged individually on their own merits, not as a group on a comparison basis! To learn that a rich person is not the one who has the most, but is one who needs the least. To learn that it only takes a few seconds to open profound wounds in persons we love, and that it takes many years to heal them. To learn to forgive by practicing forgiveness. To learn that there are persons that love them dearly, but simply do not know how to express or show their feelings. To learn that money can buy everything but happiness. To learn that two people can look at the same thing and see it totally differently. To learn that a true friend is someone who knows everything about you…and likes you anyway. To learn that it is not always enough that they be forgiven by others, but that they have to forgive themselves.”
I sat there for awhile enjoying the moment.
I thanked Him for his time and for all that He has done for me and my family, and
He replied, “Anytime.
I’m here 24 hours a day. All you have to do is ask for me, and I’ll answer.” People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did… but people will never forget how you made them feel.
A woman came out of her house and saw 3 old men with long white
beards sitting in her front yard. She did not recognize them.
She said “I don’t think I know you, but you must be hungry.
Please come in and have something to eat.”
“Is the man of the house home?”, they asked. “No”, she said. “He’s out.”
“Then we cannot come in”, they replied.
In the evening when her husband came home, she told him what had happened.
“Go tell them I am home and invite them in!”
The woman went out and invited the men in.
“We do not go into a House together,” they replied.
“Why is that?” she wanted to know.
One of the old men explained: “His name is Wealth,” he said
pointing to one of his friends, and said pointing to another one, “He is
Success, and I am Love.” Then he added, “Now go in and discuss with your
husband which one of us you want in your home.”
The woman went in and told her husband what was said. Her
husband was overjoyed. “How nice!!”, he said. “Since that is the case,
let us invite Wealth. Let him come and fill our home with wealth!”
His wife disagreed. “My dear, why don’t we invite Success?”
Their daughter-in-law was listening from the other corner of the
house. She jumped in with her own suggestion: “Would it not be
better to invite Love? Our home will then be filled with love!”
“Let us heed our daughter-in-law’s advice,” said the husband to
his wife. “Go out and invite Love to be our guest.”
The woman went out and asked the 3 old men, “Which one of you is
Love? Please come in and be our guest.”
Love got up and started walking toward the house. The other 2
also got up and followed him. Surprised, the lady asked Wealth and
Success: “I only invited Love, Why are you coming in?”
The old men replied together: “If you had invited Wealth or
Success, the other two of us would’ve stayed out, but since you invited
Love, wherever He goes, we go with him. Wherever there is Love, there
is also Wealth and Success!!!!!!”
When You Thought I Wasn’t Looking (WYTIWL)
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you hang my drawing on the
refrigerator, and I wanted to draw another one.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you make my favorite cake for me, and it wasn’t even my birthday, and I knew that little things
are special things.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I heard you say a prayer, and I
believed there is a God I could always talk to.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I felt you kiss me goodnight, and I
felt loved.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw tears come from your eyes,
and I learned that sometimes things hurt, but it’s all right to cry.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you become very angry, and
stay calm and “use your words”, and I learned to do that too.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you give my clothes that
didn’t fit any more to those less fortunate, and I learned to reach out
to others to help.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you read, just for fun, and I
learned to love books, and learning.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking I saw you look at the night sky, and
I learned to see beauty in the world around me.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I heard you sing as you worked, and I learned that work can bring great satisfaction.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw you fail, and make mistakes,
and I saw you keep doing your best, and I learned perseverance.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I saw that you cared and I wanted
to be everything that I could be.
* When you thought I wasn’t looking, I looked . . . and wanted to say
thanks for all the things I saw when you thought I wasn’t looking.
What TJ Drew
A weary mother returned from the store,
Lugging groceries through the kitchen door.
Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son,
Anxious to relate what his younger brother had
done.
“While I was out playing and Dad was on a
call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall!
It’s on the new paper you just hung in the den.
I told him you’d be mad at having to do it
again.”
She let out a moan and furrowed her brow,
“Where is your little brother right now?”
She emptied her arms and with a purposeful
stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to
hide.
She called his full name as she entered his
room. He trembled with fear–he knew that meant doom!
For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved
About the expensive wallpaper and how she had
saved.
Lamenting all the work it would take to repair,
She condemned his actions and total lack of
care.
The more she scolded, the madder she got,
Then stomped from his room, totally distraught!
She headed for the den to confirm her fears.
When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with
tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a
dart. It said, “I love Mommy,” surrounded by a heart.
Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found
it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it.
A reminder to her, and indeed to all,
Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.
Author Unknown
The Ministerial Candidate
One of the toughest tasks a church faces is choosing a good minister. A member of an official board undergoing this painful process finally lost patience. He’d just witnessed the Pastoral Relations Committee reject applicant after applicant for some minor fault — real or imagined. It was time for a bit of soul-searching on the part of the committee. So he stood up and read this letter purporting to be from another applicant.
Gentlemen:
Understanding your pulpit is vacant, I should like to apply for the position. I have many qualifications. I’ve been a preacher with much success and also had some success as a writer. Some say I’m a good organizer. I’ve been a leader most places I’ve been.
I’m over 50 years of age and have never preached in one place for more than three years. In some places, I have left town after my work caused riots and disturbances. I must admit I have been in jail three or four times, but not because of any real wrongdoing. My health is not too good, though I still accomplish a great deal. The churches I have preached in have been small, though located in several large cities.
I’ve not gotten along well with religious leaders in the towns where I have preached. In fact, some have threatened me, and even attacked me physically. I am not too good at keeping records. I have been known to forget whom I have baptized.
However, if you can use me, I promise to do my best for you.
The board member turned to the committee and said, “Well, what do you think? Shall we
call him?”
The good church folks were appalled! Consider a sickly, trouble-making, absent-minded
ex-jailbird? Was the board member crazy? Who signed the application? Who had such
colossal nerve?
The board member eyed them all keenly before he replied, “It’s signed, ‘The Apostle
Paul.’” — Unknown
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure Ecstasy..
- Take naps.
- Stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
- When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you’re not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by, and nuzzle them gently.
THE ROSE BUD
A young, new preacher was walking with an older, more seasoned preacher in the garden one day. Feeling a bit insecure about what God had for him to do, he was asking the older preacher for some advice.
The older preacher walked up to a rosebush and handed the young preacher a rosebud and told him to open it without tearing off any petals. The young preacher looked in disbelief at the older preacher and was trying to figure out what a rosebud could possibly have to do with his wanting to know the will of God for his life and ministry.
But because of his great respect for the older preacher, he proceeded to try to unfold the rose, while keeping every petal intact. It wasn’t long before he realized how impossible this was to do.
Noticing the younger preacher’s inability to unfold the rosebud without tearing it, the older preacher began to recite the following poem:
It is only a tiny rosebud,
A flower of God’s design;
But I cannot unfold the petals
With these clumsy hands of mine.
The secret of unfolding flowers
Is not known to such as I.
GOD opens this flower so sweetly,
Then, in my hands, they die.
If I cannot unfold a rosebud,
This flower of God’s design,
Then how can I have the wisdom
To unfold this life of mine?
So I’ll trust in Him for leading
Each moment of my day.
I will look to Him for His guidance
Each step of the pilgrim way.
The pathway that lies before me,
Only my Heavenly Father knows.
I’ll trust Him to unfold the moments,
Just as He unfolds the rose.
Only 52 years ago!
Comments made in the year 1955..
‘I’ll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it’s going to be impossible to buy a week’s groceries for $20.’
‘Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won’t be long before $2000 will only buy a used one.’
‘Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?’
‘If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.’
‘When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.’
‘Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls.’ I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying ‘damn’ in ‘Gone With The Wind,’ it seems every new movie has either ‘hell’ or ‘damn’ in it. ‘I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century. They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.’
Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the president.’
‘I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now’ ’It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet.’
‘It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.’
‘Marriage doesn’t mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat.’
‘I’m just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.’ ’Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress.’
‘The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.’
‘There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel.’
‘No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood.’ ’If they think I’ll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it.’
WHAT HAPPENS IN HEAVEN
I dreamt that I went to Heaven and an angel was showing me around. We walked side-by-side inside a large workroom filled with angels. My angel guide stopped in front of the first section and said, ‘This is the Receiving Section. Here, all petitions to God said in prayer are received.’
I looked around in this area, and it was terribly busy with so many angels sorting out petitions written on voluminous paper sheets and scraps from people all over the world.
Then we moved on down a long corridor until we reached the second section.
The angel then said to me, ‘This is the Packaging and Delivery Section. Here, the graces and blessings the people asked for are processed and delivered to the living persons who asked for them. ‘I noticed again how busy it was there. There were many angels working hard at that station, since so many blessings had been requested and were being packaged for delivery to Earth.
Finally at the farthest end of the long corridor we stopped at the door of a very small station. To my great surprise, only one angel was seated there, idly doing nothing. ‘This is the Acknowledgment Section,’ my angel friend quietly admitted to me. He seemed embarrassed.
’How is it that there is no work going on here?’ I asked.
’So sad,’ the angel sighed. ‘After people receive the blessings that they asked for, very few send back acknowledgments.’
’How does one acknowledge God’s blessings?’ I asked.
’Simple,’ the angel answered. Just say, ‘Thank you, Lord.’
’What blessings should they acknowledge?’ I asked.
’If you have food in the refrigerator, clothes on your back, a roof overhead and a place to sleep you are richer than 75% of this world. If you have money in your wallet, you are among the top 8% of the worlds wealthy.’
’If you woke up this morning with more health than illness … you are more blessed than the many who will not even survive this day .’
’If you have never experienced the fear in battle, the loneliness of imprisonment, the agony of torture, or the pangs of starvation … you are ahead of 700 million people in the world.’ ’If you can attend a church without the fear of harassment, arrest, torture or death you are envied by, and more blessed than, three billion people in the world! .’ .’
Ok, what now? How can I start? Have a good day, count your blessings, and if you want, pass this along to remind everyone else how blessed we all are.
ATTN: Acknowledge Dept.: ‘Thank you Lord, for giving me the ability to share this message and for giving me so many wonderful people to share it with.’
‘MEET ME IN THE STAIRWELL’
You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news On September 11, 2001. Neither will I.
I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say ‘Good-Bye.’ I Held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the Peace to say, ‘Honey, I am not going to make it, but it. Is OK..I am ready to go.’
I was with his wife when he called as she fed Breakfast to their children. I held her up as she Tried to understand his words and as she realized He wasn’t coming home t hat night.
I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a Woman cried out to Me for help. ‘I have been Knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!’ I said. ‘Of course I will show you the way home – only
Believe in Me now.’
I was at the base of the building with the Priest Ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He Heard my voice and answered.
I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, With every prayer. I was with the crew as they Were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the Believers there, comforting and assuring them that their
Faith has saved them.
I was in Texas, Virginia , California , Michigan , Afghanistan . I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me?
I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew Every name – though not all know Me. Some met me for the first time on the 86th floor.
Some sought me with their last breath. Some couldn’t hear Me calling to them through the Smoke and flames; ‘Come to Me… This way… Take
My hand.’ Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me. But, I was there.
I did not place you in the Tower that day. You May not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have Reached for Me?
Sept. 11, 2001, was not the end of the journey
For you. But someday your journey will end. And I
Will be there for you as well. Seek Me now while I may
Be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are
‘ready to go.’
I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.
‘Excuse me, Are you Jesus?
A few years ago a group of salesmen went to a regional sales convention in Chicago. They had assured their wives that they would be home in plenty of time for Friday night’s dinner. In their rush, with tickets and briefcases, one of these salesmen inadvertently kicked over a table which held a display of apples. Apples flew everywhere. Without stopping or looking back, they all managed to reach the plane in time for their nearly missed boarding.
ALL BUT ONE !!! He paused, took a deep breath, got in touch with his feelings, and experienced a twinge of compassion for the girl whose apple stand had been overturned.
He told his buddies to go on without him, waved good-bye, told one of them to call his wife when they arrived at their home destination and explain his taking a later flight. Then he returned to the terminal where the apples were all over the terminal floor.
He was glad he did.
The 16-year-old girl was totally blind! She was softly crying,
tears running down her cheeks in frustration, and at the same time helplessly groping for her spilled produce as the crowd swirled about her, no one stopping and no one to care for her plight.
The salesman knelt on the floor with her, gathered up the apples, put them back on the table and helped organize her display. As he did this, he noticed that many of them had become battered and bruised; these he set aside in another basket.
When he had finished, he pulled out his wallet and said to the girl, ’Here, please take this $40 for the damage we did. Are you okay?’ She nodded throu gh her tears.. He continued on with, ‘I hope we didn’t spoil your day too badly.’
As the salesman started to walk awa y, the bewildered blind girl called out to him, ‘Mister….’ He paused and turned to look back into those blind eyes. She continued, ‘Are you Jesus?’
He stopped in mid-stride, and he wondered. Then slowly he made his way to catch the later flight with that question burning and bouncing about in his soul: ‘Are you Jesus?’ Do people mistake you for Jesus? That’s our destiny, is it not? To be so much like Jesus that people cannot tell the difference as we live and interact with a world that is blind to His love, life and grace.
If we claim to know Him, we should live, walk and act as He would. Knowing Him is more than simply quoting Scripture and going to church. It’s actually living the Word as life unfolds day to day.
Keep Smiling it’s one of the best of advertisements for God, people wonder what you’ve Got.
How would you know?…
The Saviours words…
If you never felt pain,
Then how would you know that Im a Healer?
If you never went through.
How would you know that Im a Deliverer?
If you never had a trial,
How could you call yourself an overcomer?
If you never felt sadness,
How would you know that Im a Comforter?
If you never made a mistake,
How would you know that Im forgiving?
If you knew all,
How would you know that I will answer your questions?
If you never were in trouble,
How would you know that I will come to your rescue?
If you never were broken,
Then how would know that I can make you whole?
If you never had a problem,
How would you know that I can solve them?
If you never had any suffering,
then how would you know what I went through?
If you never went through the fire,
then how would you become pure?
If I gave you all things,
How would you appreciate them?
If I never corrected you,
How would you know that I love you?
If you had all power,
Then how would you learn to depend on me?
If your life was perfect,
Then what would you need Me for?
Perrie Jones Jr.
BROKEN DREAMS
As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend.
I brought my broken dreams to GOD
Because He was my Friend.
But then instead of leaving Him
in Peace to work alone,
I hung around and tried to help
With ways that were my own.
At last I snatched them back and cried
“How can You be so slow”?
“My child,” He said,
“What could I do?
You never did let go.”
Lauretta P. Burns
Denver, Colorado
Pills
A row of bottles on my shelf
Caused me to analyze myself.
One yellow pill I have to pop
Goes to my heart so it won’t stop.
A little white one that I take
Goes to my hands so they won’t shake.
The blue ones that I use a lot
Tell me I’m happy when I’m not.
The purple pill goes to my brain
n tells me that I have no pain.
The capsules tell me not to wheeze
Or cough or choke or even sneeze.
The red ones, smallest of them all
Go to my blood so I won’t fall.
The orange ones, very big and bright
Prevent my leg cramps in the night.
Such an array of brilliant pills
Helping to cure all kinds of ills.
But what I’d really like to know………..
Is what tells each one where to go!
There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it.
For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t
hurt.
I Didn’t Deserve This
One day a while back, a man, his heart heavy with grief, was walking in the woods. As he thought about his life this day, he knew many things were not right. He thought about those who had lied about him back when he had a job.
His thoughts turned to those who had stolen his things and cheated him. He remembered family that had passed on. His mind turned to the illness he had, that no one could cure. His very soul was filled with anger, resentment, and frustration. Standing there this day, searching for answers he could not find, knowing all else had failed him, he knelt at the base of an old oak tree to seek the one he knew would always be there. And with tears in his eyes, he prayed: ‘Lord- You have done wonderful things for me in this life. You have told me to do many things for you, and I happily obeyed. Today, you have told me to forgive. I am sad, Lord, because I cannot, I don’t know how. It is not fair Lord, I didn’t deserve these wrongs that were done against me and I shouldn’t have to forgive. As perfect as your way is Lord, this one thing I cannot do, for I don’t know how to forgive. My anger is so deep Lord, I fear I may not hear you, but I pray you teach me to do the one thing I cannot do: Teach me to forgive .’
A s he knelt there in the quiet shade of that old oak tree, he felt something fall onto his shoulder. He opened his eyes. Out of the corner of one eye, he saw something red on his shirt. He could not turn to see what it was because where the oak tree had been was a large square piece of wood in the ground. He raised his head and saw two feet held to the wood with a large spike through them. He raised his head more, and tears came to his eyes as he saw Jesus hanging on a cross. He saw spikes in His hands, a gash in His side, a torn and battered body, deep thorns sunk into His head. Finally he saw the suffering and pain on His precious face. As their eyes met, the man’s tears turned to sobbing, and Jesus began to speak. ‘Have you ever told a lie?’ He asked? The man answered – ‘Yes, Lord.’ ‘Have you ever been given too much change and kept it?’ The man answered – ‘Yes. Lord.’ And the man sobbed more and more. ‘Have you ever taken something from work that wasn’t yours?’ Jesus asked? And the man answered, ‘Yes, Lord.’ ‘Have you ever sworn, using my Father’s name in vain?’ The man, crying now, answered – ‘Yes, Lord.’ As Jesus asked many more times, ‘Have you ever’? The man’s crying became uncontrollable, for he could only answer – ‘Yes, Lord’
Then Jesus turned His head from one side to the other, and the man felt something fall on his other shoulder He looked and saw that it was the blood of Jesus. When he looked back up, his eyes met those of Jesus, and there was a look of love the man had never seen or known before.
Jesus said, ‘I didn’t deserve this either, but I forgive you.’
It may be hard to see how you’re going to get through something, but when you look back in life, you realize how true this statement is.
Read the following first line slowly and let it sink in.
If God brings you to it – He will bring you through it.
When Jesus died on the cross, he was thinking of you!
We all Need a Tree!
I hired a plumber to help me restore an old farmhouse, and after he had just finished a rough first day on the job, a flat tire made him lose an hour of work, his electric drill quit, and his ancient one ton truck refused to start. While I drove him home, he sat in stony silence. On arriving, he invited me in to meet his family. As we walked toward the front door, he paused briefly at a small tree, touching the tips of the branches with both hands.
When opening the door he underwent an amazing transformation. His face
was wreathed in smiles and he hugged his two small children and gave
his wife a kiss. Afterward he walked me to the car. We passed the tree and my curiosity got the better of me. I asked him about what I had seen him do earlier.
‘Oh, that’s my trouble tree,’ he replied. ‘I know I can’t help having troubles on the job, but one thing’s for sure, those troubles don’t belong in the house with my wife and the children. So I just hang them up on the tree every night when I come home and ask God to take care of them. Then in the morning I pick them up again. Funny thing is,’ he smiled, ‘when I come out in the morning to pick ‘em up, there aren’t nearlyas many as I remember hanging up the night before.’
God Bless
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are here we
might
as well dance. We all need a tree!
The Tea Cup Story
There was a couple who took a trip to Englandto shop in a beautiful antique store to celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary. They both liked antiques and pottery, and especially teacups. Spotting an exceptional cup, they asked “May we see that? We’ve never seen a cup quite so beautiful.”
As the lady handed it to them, suddenly the teacup spoke, “You don’t understand. I have not always been a teacup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay. My master took me and rolled me pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled out, ‘Don’t do that. I don’t like it! Let me alone.’ But he only smiled, and gently said; ‘Not yet!’” “Then. WHAM! I was placed on a spinning wheel and suddenly I was spun around and around and around. ‘Stop it! I’m getting so dizzy! I’m going to be sick,’ I screamed. But the master only nodded and said, quietly; ‘Not yet.’
“He spun me and poked and prodded and bent me out of shape to suit himself and then… Then he put me in the oven. I never felt such heat. I yelled and knocked and pounded at the door. Help! Get me out of here! I could see him through the opening and I could read his lips as he shook his head from side to side, ‘Not yet’.”
“When I thought I couldn’t bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! Ah, this is much better, I thought. But, after I cooled he picked me up and he brushed and painted me all over. The fumes were horrible. I thought I would gag. ‘Oh, please; Stop it, Stop it!’ I cried. He only shook his head and said. ‘Not yet!’.”
“Then suddenly he put me back in to the oven. Only it was not like the first one. This was twice as hot and I just knew I would suffocate. I begged. I pleaded. I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I would never make it. I was ready to give up. Just then the door opened and he took me out and again placed me on the shelf, where I cooled and waited ——- and waited, wondering “What’s he going to do to me next? An hour later he handed me a mirror and said ‘Look at yourself.’” “And I did. I said, ‘That’s not me; that couldn’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful!’
Quietly he spoke: ‘I want you to remember, then,’ he said, ‘I know it hurt to be rolled and pounded and patted, but had I just left you alone, you’d have dried up. I know it made you dizzy to spin around on the wheel, but if I had stopped, you would have crumbled. I know it hurt and it was hot and disagreeable in the oven, but if I hadn’t put you there, you would have cracked. I know the fumes were bad when I brushed and painted you all over, but if I hadn’t done that, you never would have hardened. You would not have had any color in your life. If I hadn’t put you back in that second oven, you wouldn’t have survived for long because the hardness would not have held. Now you are a finished product. Now you are what I had in mind when
I first began with you.”
The moral of this story is this: God knows what He’s doing for each of us. He is the potter, and we are His clay. He will mold us and make us, and expose us to just enough pressures of just the right kinds that we may be made into a flawless piece of work to fulfill His good, pleasing and perfect will.
So when life seems hard, and you are being pounded and patted and pushed almost beyond endurance; when your world seems to be spinning out of control; when you feel like you are in a fiery furnace of trials; when life seems to “stink”, try this….
Brew a cup of your favorite tea in your prettiest teacup, sit down and think on this story and then, have a little talk with the Potter.
– Author Unknown
**Teacher Debbie Moon’s first graders were discussing a picture of a family. One little boy in the picture had a different hair color than the other members. One of her students suggested that he was adopted.
A little girl said, “I know all about adoption, I was adopted..”
“What does it mean to be adopted?”, asked another child
“It means”, said the girl, “that you grew in your mommy’s heart instead of her tummy!”**
On my way home one day, I stopped to watch a Little League base ball game that was being played in a park near my home. As I sat down behind the bench on the first-base line, I asked one of the boys what the score was.
“We’re behind 14 to nothing,” he answered with a smile.
“Really,” I said. “I have to say you don’t look very discouraged.”
“Discouraged?”, the boy asked with a puzzled look on his face…
“Why should we be discouraged? We haven’t been up to bat yet.”
Whenever I’m disappointed with my spot in life, I stop and think
About little Jamie Scott.
Jamie was trying out for a part in the school play. His mother told me that he’d set his heart on being in it, though she feared he would not be chosen.
On the day the parts were awarded, I went with her to collect him after school. Jamie rushed up to her, eyes shining with pride and excitement. “Guess what, Mom,” he shouted, and then said those words that will remain a lesson to me…..”I’ve been chosen to clap and cheer.”
An eye witness account from New York City, on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering with cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, “My, but you’re in such deep thought staring in that window!”
“I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,” was the boy’s reply
The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her.
She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel.
By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks. Placing a pair upon the boy’s feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.
She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him.. She patted him on the head and said, “No doubt, you will be more comfortable now.”
As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her . “Are you God’s wife?”
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
” Hello ? “
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
” Yes ,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, ” No .”
Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
” Yes .”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, ” No .”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
” Yes ,” whispered the child, ” a policeman “.
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”
” No, he’s busy “, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman ,” came the whispered answer.
Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
” A helicopter ” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.
Again, whispering, the child answered, ” The search team just landed a helicopter .”
Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… ” ME .”
The Coin
An unemployed graduate woke up one morning and checked his pocket. All he had left was $10. He decided to use it to buy food and then wait for death as he was too proud to go begging. He was frustrated as he could find no job, and nobody was ready to help him.
He bought food and as he sat down to eat, an old man and two little children came along and asked him to help them with food as they had not eaten for almost a week. He looked at them. They were so lean that he could see their bones coming out. Their eyes had gone into the socket.
With the last bit of compassion he had, he gave them the food. The old man and children prayed that God would bless and prosper him and then gave him a very old coin.
The young graduate said to them ‘you need the prayer more than I do’.
With no money, no job, no food, the young graduate went under the bridge to rest and wait for death. As he was about to sleep, he saw an old newspaper on the ground. He picked it up, and suddenly he saw an advertisement for people with old coins to come to a certain address.
He decided to go there with the old coin the old man gave him. On getting to the place, he gave the proprietor the coin. The proprietor screamed, brought out a big book and showed the young graduate a photograph. This same old coin was worth 3 million dollars. The young graduate was overjoyed as the proprietor gave him a bank draft for 3 million dollars within an hour. He collected the Bank Draft and went in search of the old man and little children.
By the time he got to where he left them eating, they had gone. He asked the owner of the canteen if he knew them. He said no but they left a note for you. He quickly opened the note thinking it would lead him to find them.
This is what the note said: ‘You gave us your all and we have rewarded you back with the coin’
People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you know which one it is, you will know what to do for that person..
When someone is in your life for a REASON, it is usually to meet a need you have expressed.
They have come to assist you through a difficulty, to provide you with guidance and support,
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. They may seem like a godsend and they are.
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end.
Sometimes they die. Sometimes they walk away. Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand.
What we must realize is that our need has been met, our desire fulfilled, their work is done.
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.
Some people come into your life for a SEASON, because your turn has come to share, grow or learn.
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. They may teach you something you have never done. They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.
Believe it, it is real. But only for a season.
LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons, things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life.
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant .
